Tiny Mind Gazette

DIY Spring Survival Guide: Always “be prepared” for the worst

Dr. F’s Ode to Spring:
The first day of spring has been and past.
The druids celebrated the Spring Equinox at Stonehenge,
The robins returned and collected the winter yard debris for their nests,
The daffodils sprung up in places you forgot you planted them.
And the squirrels sensed the arrival of warmer climes and dug up the front yard for their hidden snacks.

…and then it hits. Buckets of snow! Frozen planters! WTF?

Terra Mater (Mother Nature) has pulled another fast one on us. From Dubuque to DC, Baltimore to Baton Rouge, this week the weather has been brutal.

Time to dig out the snow shovels, mittens, and ....well...it melted again! But, are we finally over with the frigid climes?  Only Pachamama knows for sure.

Here are some handy spring-to-winter-to-spring weather precautions, just in case this isn't the last of the season:

• Make spring chimes out of snow scrapers and snow brushes for easy access during whacky weather changes.
• Mix the bird seed with the sidewalk sand; Sprinkle liberally for constant readiness for any season.
• Install electric blanket under porch swing cushions; or just keep a few packets of “instant foot warmer” packets by the front door and slip one in each back pocket.
• Equip golf cart with cross-country ski rack, snow tires and snow blower.
• Affix plow, mower and aerator to lawn tractor; hot-glue snowmobile helmet windscreen to baseball cap for rapid weather changes during spring lawn care.
• Mount spikes on the snowshoes for the first day of softball practice.

If all else fails, go back to bed for another month and wake up in time for the Easter egg hunt. Look for the Marshmallow Peep hiding in the frozen petunias.

5 Points Proving Humans Still Require Further Evolution

Drunk? Stupid? Both.

NY Judge Jails Man For Lugging Beer To DWI Hearing

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Creative youth, future TMG Reporter?

Police: Boy claimed shooting to cover ripped pants

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Return to offender. Targetted direct mail campaign.

WWII machine gun found in Lithuanian mail

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When Doodie Falls, Luck Will Have It.
Pooping and Scratching: The New Path to Riches

New Zealand man proves being hit by bird droppings is lucky

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Half-baked idea cooked up by the flour girl?

Bride's life-size wedding cake shaped like herself puts other completely insane brides at ease.

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10 Hangover Cures for St. Patrick's (Recovery) Day

Feeling a Little Green Today?
Try these TMG-tested pick-me-ups to get you back in the pink.

1. Hair of the Dog Irish Mimosa: Use beer glass instead of champagne flute. Fill half way with plum juice instead of orange juice and substitute one cup of green beer instead of champagne. Shave dog. Add three hairs. Strain through green tiara from night before. Sip.

2. Hangover Helper: Take a box of Uncle's Ben Converted Rice, bring water to boil. Empty out the rice. Cook the box until it is al dente. Sprinkle with celery salt—you, not the box. Serve with Alka-Seltzer. (TMG is going for awesome product placement fees this week).

3. Go to tanning salon. Ask for green filters on the hot lights. Set phasers to “stun.” Cook for 15 minutes.

4. Dunk head in pot of briny corned beef cooking water. Keep submerged for 8 seconds. Gently pat dry with towel.

5. Shove half a cabbage head under the armpit of your drinking arm. Rub the cabbage clockwise in the northern hemisphere and anticlockwise in the south. Stand on one foot.

6. Voodoo cure: Stick 13 black push pins in the cork of the bottle you drank from night before. Spear cans of beer. Cast spell on co-worker.

7. Take your mind off your aching head by retracing your steps from last night to find all your missing clothes and returning the clothes you're now wearing to their original owner(s).

8. The “What Will and Won't Work” Smoothie: (combine remedies from all the experts)

• Take hot shower; fill mug 1/4 full with hot water.
• Take cold shower; fill same mug to halfway point with cold water.
• Get out of shower, get dressed and pour a shot of coffee and a shot of pickle juice.
• Pour shots into shaker and jog to grocery store and get orange juice (with shaker in hand).
• Run back to house and add one shot of orange juice.
• Sleep four more hours.
• Wake up and drink smoothie (with shamrock garnish).

9.  Medieval miracle cure: Chew dried eel for 2 minutes but no not swallow. Make facial scrub with ground swallow’s beak, bitter almonds and salt pork. Do not bathe for 3 weeks.

10. Circle your calendar for March 17, 2011 and start training today!

- compiled by the friendly staff and unpaid interns at TMG

St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed over Potato-Throwing and Protest March

Police chief Liam O’Liam decided yesterday to postpone Wapatusset’s annual St. Patty’s Day Parade due to threats of protests from multiple groups.

Representatives from two local union chapters and a busload of college students from Citizens Against Ethnic Stereotypes arrived yesterday and set up camp on the town green to paint signs. The tone remained civil until Wapatusset’s notorious Crazy Old Guy pulled up in his jalopy and began throwing potatoes at the protestors. Bewildered protestors did not fire back, but police did want to take any chances.

“I just don’t want Wapatusset to turn into another Wisconsin,” said the chief.
“And for the last time, we are not perpetuating any stereotypes here. It’s all good fun.”

The police department’s Dunkin’ Donuts paddy wagon float had already been decorated and community volunteers were already halfway through the keg of green beer when the announcement was made.

The Tater Tot Queen Pageant has been postponed indefinitely as well; stay tuned for details.

- reported by crime and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS

Horoscope :: "Ides of March" edition 2011

by Beau Donie, Seer, Taster, Sniffer Extraordinaire

Aquarius the Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) :: You always said you wanted to “be someone” when you grew up. This month, work on being more specific.

Pisces the Fish (February 19 to March 20) :: Not everyone following you wants to harm you. Not everyone.

Aries the Ram (March 21 to April 19) :: A wonderful time to exchange underwear with strangers. Visit the nearest bus station and look for someone your size.

Taurus the Bull (April 20 to May 20) :: Your bodily fluids will need a tune-up this month. French fry your salads for a week straight and then drink all liquids via your nose. If your urine is the slightest bit yellow, seek immediate help.

Gemini the Twins (May 21 to June 21) :: This is the time to take that entrepreneurial leap. Create a new alphabet and send it to publishers. You will likely have no competition so this has huge upside potential to make you rich.

June Brides (The Zillas) :: Oooooohhhhhhh, bad break. You will probably die in the next week. This is a good time to donate all you have. Send cash to the editorial staff at Tiny Mind Gazette.

Cancer the Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Watch for the hidden code in infomercials. If someone offers to “send you two if you order right now,” then you will know that the message is meant just for you. Write down the phone number, add 2 to each digit, and then count backwards from 17. Sleep on your left side three Tuesdays in a row to keep the woolybongas at bay.

Leo the Lion (July 23 to August 22) :: Setting a national trend is quite possibly in your future. Start singing songs backward, especially in public places. Watch what happens.

Virgo the Virgin (August 23 to September 22) :: An excellent time to start writing letters to convicts. It will unleash your inner creative spirit, and a life term of romance could follow. (And, your virginity will be safe!)

Libra the Scales (September 23 to October 22) :: You will discover that someone has secretly been making generous deposits in your savings account. You will then discover that it has been a squirrel. You might want to take your nuts out of safe deposit.

Scorpio the Scorpion [duh!] (October 23 to November 21) :: Your sandals have been plotting all winter. Kill them now and replace them with crocs.

Sagittarius the Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Take a philosophical approach to adversity this month. You did something bad, and now you’re paying for it. Suck it up and move on. No whining! I mean it.

Capricorn the Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: You will learn something shocking about your ancestors this month. But ignore their emails.

Elephant in Charlie Sheen's Room Pregnant with Twins.

Last night, while Mr. Sheen slept, tangled in sheets between Bree Olsen and Natalie Kenly, his distraught, polka-dotted pachyderm, Trixie, led us into the actor's chilly, cavernous bedroom and laid on her side. She pointed with her trunk to a lone leather chair in front of the gas fireplace. I sat. Setting down the potato sack of peanuts she'd requested as payment, I whispered:

TMG: Patty, tell me, how is Mr. Sheen?
Trixie: (Popping a dozen peanuts in her mouth.) He's bi-winning. He's winning here AND there. I'd love to do air quotes for but, look -- no fingers.
TMG: How are you holding up?
Trixie: I'm about to burst. I'm twenty-one months, two weeks along and it feels like thirty.
TMG: Don't know how you elephants do it. That gestation period is ungodly.
Trixie: You're a male mammal. You have no freaking clue.
TMG: Are the twins Mr. Sheen's?
Trixie: Who else's? The man is into everything. I've put on about ten pounds a month since he did that Ferris Bueller's Day Off gig, then when putting on weight alone wasn't enough, BOOM! there was nowhere else to go but self-replication. Quite frankly I'm surprised I'm not going to be the sequel to the octo-mom.
TMG: Have you thought about leaving?
Trixie: I'm his elephant. By definition, I'm stuck. The bigger his mess, the deeper the mud I'm in. What paper are you with again?
TMG: The New York (coughing) Mind Gazette.

Mr. Sheen stirred. He woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across his head. I quickly hid behind Trixie. As Mr. Sheen left the room, he yelled, "Trixie, you're huge, ha-ha! But I love you! And you're welcome for those peanuts!"

Trixie grabbed more peanuts from the sack and laid them in her mouth. She chewed slowly.

Trixie: Time to go.
TMG: One more question?
Trixie: Shoot.
TMG: How's Oliver Stone to work with?
Trixie: Out.
TMG: Fine, but Charlie's downstairs.
Trixie: He won't notice. He doesn't notice people till about noon.

And with that, I left the room. Halfway down the stairs, I froze with my back to the wall as a nude Mr. Sheen passed me by, leaving the strong scent of peanuts and Trixie in his wake.

article by Michael Calienes

TMG Unplugged: No-tech gadgets and no-naughtiness garments, exclusively for our readers

Having thoroughly enjoyed yesterday’s National Day of Unplugging at Wapatusset Farms (see "Get Your Amish On"), the folks at TMG have decided to extend their vows for a few more days. (Plus, it’s taking longer than anticipated for the fleet of carrier pigeons and rehabilitated seagulls to deliver the hand-cranked letterpress tabloids.)

Unbathed and unshaven, staff members say unplugged feels pretty darn good and want to spread the word.

Inspired by a new line of newfangled products by Reboot—including cell phone sleeping bags and phonekerchiefs (made with silver fibers that block incoming calls and texts), and a smartphone app that, ironically, alerts plugged-in friends to let them know that you’re unplugging—TMG product designers have come up with some ingenious anti-tech solutions of their own:

Smartphone Satchel

This handsome black burlap tote has six traditional buttons, a complicated hook-and-eye closure, and a pair of suspender clasps. Once a smartphone is securely stowed inside, it takes even the most dexterous set of teenage fingers at least three-and-a-half minutes to get to a text or phone call.

Blackberry Bonnet

Designed for women who need both hands free to cook, clean, till the soil, and work day and night for the ungrateful men around them. Tuck your Blackberry or iPhone discreetly into the bonnet pouch atop your braided bun. Comes in choice of white or black, with straight pins or snaps (zippers not available). 

Burlap Bloomers

Trade in your teen’s or spouse’s modern undergarments for some of our handmade, heavy-weight garb, and there’s no chance they’ll ever end up in one of those “sexting” controversies on the six o’clock news. Bloomers, boxers, petticoats and camisoles available in worsted wool, goat skin, and insulated burlap.

Tin-Can Phone & Carrying Case

Make a statement with this low-tech throwback. Wear it tossed over your shoulder or tuck it safely in our binocular bag-style tote.

Place orders in Comments bar below. Allow 2-3 weeks for delivery by carrier pigeon or seagull; 6-8 months via horse and buggy (sorry, we only have one).

- reported by overworked female reporter/yarn spinner/letterpress operator

National Day of Unplugging: Get your Amish on

We’re sure you are all aware that the 2nd annual National Day of Unplugging runs from sundown Friday, March 4 to sundown on Saturday, March 5. Many progressive organizations, religious zealots, Mother Jones readers and hemp underwear-clad friends may be urging you to disconnect from the Internet and reconnect with dysfunctional family members and the world around you.

At TMG, we’re going beyond the clichéd “unplug and recharge” and turning the 21^st century on its head. For one weekend only, we’ll be publishing from the dilapidated 18^th century barn behind Scrim Shaw’s ramshackle (mobile) homestead in Wapatusset Farms. Our publisher is reaching back to his Pennsylvania roots and wearing his favorite traditional garb while ordering writers, editors and the staff of unpaid interns to churn butter, spin yarn and work the makeshift letterpress while his trusty dog treads the waterwheel to conduct electricity.

Tiny Mind Gazette will also be broadcasting via short-wave radio for those who find it hard to go cold turkey to print alone. A fleet of carrier pigeons and rehabilitated seagulls from the Coastal Institute are on standby to deliver breaking news to doorsteps throughout the 50 contiguous states, weather permitting. 

Stay tuned...

- by TMG current affairs correspondent, Sally Sisson

Happy (Helmet) Friday!

Ten-day forecasts for regions throughout most of the United States call for colder than normal temperatures, icy conditions, Arctic blasts, depressingly grey skies, freezing rain, and everyone’s favorite: “wintry mix.” All this, combined with dirty snow banks and depression that lasts more the seven days, is sending some completely over the edge. Before you reach for the bottle or the Ben & Jerry’s, get your hands on a Happy Helmet. Express shipping available; underpaid customer service reps are working overtime to take your orders!

Vonko H² “Happy Helmet” Model VH32.1 :: The latest in light-box convenience

Winter weather got you down?
Co-workers tired of your kvetching?
Too broke for a tropical vacation?

Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.

This stylish model features a built-in MP3 stereo, air freshener (Arctic Blast, Mountain Pine or Fish & Chips), dawn/dusk light simulation, and spray-tan spritzer.

The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).

TESTIMONIALS:
“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.” – Helen W.

“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.” – Bill T.

The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.

by Sally Sisson

Halitosis-checker iPhone app to the rescue

World traveler Dr. F on bad breath and business travel

Excuse me sir, would you like to stow that case of halitosis in the upper bin?
How many bags will you need for that case of bad milk breath?
Excuse me ma'am! Is that your breath or did a water buffalo die in the seat behind me?

The wheels were up on my Trans-Pacific trek back to colder climes. A window seat and noiseless headphones...in the first stages of Non-Rapid Eye Movement One (NREM1)...starting to drift...nine-hour nap-time coming home to daddy...

And then...the little man in the brain goes on red alert. The olfactory glands start working overtime. Eyes are watering and the head is spinning to determine point of origin.

The head swivels from right to left and locks on the gent next to me. And then... on the lass with the green teeth directly behind me.

It wasn't the Toxic Twins (I travel in coach), but worse yet it was the Toxic Twosome:
Malodor Marvin and Halitosis Helen, to my right and rear.

I looked out window and vultures were sitting on the wing, badly deceived by this rancid odor.

Tech solutions for CSI and self diagnosis

High-tech app

 
If only I had the new Orabrush breath-checker iPhone app! I could pass it back to my fellow travelers and let them test if for themselves. (Note to self: Must enter 21st century and upgrade my 35 lb. Bag Phone to an iPhone soon.) Business travelers, this app is a marvelous invention!

Low-tech appliance
Unfortunately, my trusty 40-lb. high-tech Halimeter machine didn’t make it through security clearance.

All-in-one solution

 

Of course, a quick self-inspection was in order to ensure I wasn't contributing to this intermingling of nasal nastiness. Coincidentally, a Therabreath segment was flashing on the mini TV on the headrest in front of me.

I followed the instructions, then reviewed my pre-flight online breath test scores (still waiting for baggie of air I posted by mail to be evaluated). All seats were taken and I was blocked into my window seat by M.M. and his lovely wife H.H. was parting the back of my hair with eye-watering exhalation that would have knocked the proverbial buzzard off a manure wagon.

It got worse when the ill winds from the East met the bad air from the South and formed a purple cloud over my head that would rival Denver smog (and the “interesting smells of a Bangkok side-street”).

Finally...the flight attendant came up and passed me a note asking me if I'd like to trade in 10,000 frequent flyer miles for an improvised gas mask made from two Sani-Wipes and her demo oxygen mask.

“Sign me up!” I said. And within seconds I was off to slumberland...

Next time I’ll come armed with all necessary high-tech devices (and my own vintage WWI gas mask).

Need help?

If you think you might have a problem with halitosis, watch this video and check the TheraBreath blog for self-testing and tips.

Time to kill while waiting for your breath results? Watch this video of Mr. Bean checking his breath before meeting the Queen.

 

Special report from travel correspondent and low-tech gadget master, the Mysterious Dr. F:
“I may not be a real doctor, but I play one on TV.”