An erratic feature of the Gazette that will appear whenever the great seer has revelations.
Capricorn the Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: The planets are aligned for you this month. Kiss more. Drool less. Leave your bib home on the next date.
Aquarius the Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) :: A very good time to try a date within your own species. (The parts are basically the same but the mechanics may be different. Rinse and repeat.)
Pisces the Fish (February 19 to March 19) :: You have been prone to loving your neighbor too much. This is a good time to gear back a little and consider the legal consequences.
Alsace-Lorraine the Region (March 20) :: It’s not you, it’s me. No…wait…it is you.
Aries the Ram (March 21 to April 19) :: Buy a new picture frame and use the included photo in your Match.com page. Magic could happen.
Taurus the Bull (April 20 to May 20) :: It’s time to get over a disappointment from the past. When JT didn’t kiss you in the 3rd grade, it wasn’t personal—it was because of your lip fungus. Move on with your life. (And see a dermatologist immediately.)
Gemini the Twins (May 21 to June 21) :: Everyone loves surprises! A terrific time to change your racial and gender profile on Facebook.
Overlapping sign: June Brides (The Zillas) :: Don’t let others control your thoughts, particularly in affairs of the heart. The voices are challenging you and this is a good time to talk back—especially in public places so they know you’ll have witnesses.
Lexus the Luxuriant (Memorial Day Weekend) :: Write a deeply erotic poem. Mail it to someone anonymously in your office. Watch the fun. Clean out your desk.
Cancer the Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Don’t commit this month. Play the field. Sniff everyone.
Leo the Lion (July 23 to August 21) :: Take up a dead language, and wear scarves in the shower. Drop hints that you know how to make fishing line from cinnamon. Laugh with your eyebrows only.
Iglesias the Crooner (Toad Hop Day, August 22) :: Skip a turn. Lose one month. Pay $200.
Virgo the Virgin (August 23 to September 22) :: Nobody is buying that virgin crap. Get real, for gawd’s sakes.
Libra the Scales (September 23 to October 22) :: The moon is in cheddar this month, which makes for a tasty sandwich. Set up two dates for the same evening and be the sandwich yourself.
Scorpio the Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21) :: No one can truly understand the laws of attraction, so take some chances this month. Try walking on one foot only, or introduce yourself to potential soul mates by singing your name, or eat soup with chopsticks. These will get you noticed.
Sagittarius the Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Great news for you, the Archer. Valentine’s arrow will surely find your heart in the next few days. (But just in case, wear a cup.)
By Beau Doni, Seer, Smeller, Taster, Hearer, Feeler