Tiny Mind Gazette

Special Announcement: Meeting Cancellation

The Wapatusset Architects Collaborative Society (WACS) has canceled next week’s presentation by The Flat Roof Society, a national professional organization for architects and design engineers. The group’s 120 minute, PowerPoint presentation entitled: “Snow, As If?”

WACS president and local architect, Adkins Alexander, has rescheduled the meeting for late spring or early summer. “I feel that it is for the best interest of the community that we avoid this subject, at least for the foreseeable future.” He went on to add, “I am banking on the fact that any negative discussion concerning the topic, has reached its peak and things will quiet down once the temperature reaches 40º or even higher.”

More as the story accumulates.

The Artist’s Guide to Super Bowl Parties

You may be a perfectly well rounded designer, painter, sculptor, architect, actor, aesthete of some sort and have an acceptable knowledge of (and enthusiasm for) American football. For the rest of you, here are some tips for participating in this spirited tradition.

If invited to a Super Bowl party, you have two options:

• politely decline, and find something else to do with other arty friends (watch depressing Swedish film, sit in deserted coffee house…)
• accept invitation and spend the weekend picking an outfit and consulting football stats cheat sheet

The Super Bowl Party Outfit

If you accept the invitation, you must embrace the whole “national pastime” thing and get in the spirit. Leave the black turtleneck and sullen expression at home. You could go for something ironic like a shiny track suit or oversized football jersey with stuffed pillow to portray oversized sports enthusiast, but why not embrace your artistic spirit? Think jock-meets-performance-artist and you’ll be the hit of the party.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Cheesehead hat

The iconic accessory for the Packers fan. Forget the factory-made foam version and create a homemade conversation piece of your own. Think outside the triangle and dream up something unique. Why not incorporate real cheese? A Calder-type contraption balanced on your head could dangle bite-size pieces for the taking. Limburger, stilton, anything ripe and odorous will create a memorable impression. Carry a box of Triscuits as an accessory.

Steelers hat

Okay, this requires some creative thinking. Search your kitchen for anything made of steel. A stainless colander fits nicely on the head and is easy to accessorize. Or make an afro out of Brillo pads or steel wool. Better yet, a Sterno warming tray can hold a vat of mini hotdogs, making you a walking appetizer station. Just be sure to securely attach it to your head and to reinforce with duck tape under the chin.

If you’re more the self-conscious type, you can play up the Andy Warhol (Pittsburgh roots) thing and dress as a Campbell’s soup can or Marilyn Monroe. But then, that’s a bit predictable.

Bitter statement

Pretend you're a fan of a team that didn't make it to the Super Bowl. That gives you more leeway when looking for outfits and accessories. For example, you could bobby-pin a bearclaw pastry to your head, tilted like a beret, and say you're from Chicago. 

Wing theme

If you’re on the fence about who to root for, pick a food theme like nacho cheese sauce or chicken wings. You could stick your head in the cavity of a raw chicken (instant hat!), make two papier mache wings and glue them onto earmuffs, or make a Lady Gaga style “meat dress” with real chicken wings. Splash liberally with wing sauce and Tabasco and you’re good to go!

Remember: it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look. Enjoy!

- by Sally Sisson, TMG fashion and arts correspondent

Groundhog Day Roadkill Hangover: Wapatusset Walt sees headlights, followed by bright white light

Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow yesterday. But local connoisseurs of fine New England roadkill were soon fixated on a different animal instead: Wapatusset Walt, the 250-pound possum, saw his gigantic reflection on the grill of an oncoming powder-blue Prius.

Legend has it that if Walt sees his last reflection on Groundhog's Day, the town will be blessed with a 6-week supply of delicious possum stew at Ye Olde Food Court in the atrium of the Liberty Hall Mini-Mall.

During the Possum Day celebration / memorial service, Tiny Mind Gazette publisher York Benchley (dressed in authentic ceremonial Speedwell Guild dress) scooped out the first ladle of steaming stew, tipped his head back and carelessly poured it down his open throat. Red-faced with a singed mustache, Mr. Benchley immediately spewed a spray of stew over the startled crowd of Possum Day revelers. The (other) high point of the celebration was the rousing YouTube classic, “Five Pound Possum,” blasted on multiple smart phones throughout the food court. Thanks to the recently installed church steeple cell towers, all 53 hand-held devices were able to receive clear and uninterrupted service.

The Speedwell Guild, as well as the Sisters of Sauvignon, will be soliciting bids from local taxidermists in an effort to establish a permanent Wapatusset Walt exhibit in the rotunda of the Town Hall.

Since the unfortunate incident, Mitsy Smitherton LeBoef, operator of the totaled Prius, has lost her enthusiasm for saving Mother Earth and is in now in the market for the largest American-made SUV available.

York Benchley is resting comfortably but is extremely irritated by the little tiny piece of skin that is still dangling from the roof of his extremely sensitive mouth.

5 Pound Possum: Recorded at a bluegrass pickin' near St Augustine, Florida.

–reported by Morton "Scrim" Shaw, deputy animal control officer and special correspondent