It's the end of the work week; a time for those inconsiderate strangers to use up their rollover minutes in the hammer lane, the mall parking lot, and even through three red lights just to keep you on your driving toes. A time to use those defensive driver skills you learned with Mr. Hamm in 10th grade Driver's Ed.
Thoughtless drivers don't need a season to celebrate their blessing on humanity. Here are some thoughtful gifts for the aggressive driver who has everything:
1. Turn Signal Kit: Easily installed in those BMWs, Mercedes, and twelve-ton meat trucks that obviously forgot to buy the turn signal kit with their initial vehicle purchase.
2. Mental Turn Signal Transmitter: For those amazing Kreskins of the highway who nudge over into your lane without warning and assume you saw their wheels slinking to the left. The microcomputer on this skull-tight skullcap reads the driver's intentions and signals for them.
3. Merge App for the GPS: Announces that a turn signal would be nice instead of riding the shoulder when racing along in the merge lane to pass others who thoughtfully got into the other lane two miles prior to the merge.
4. Laser-Guided Following Distance Measuring Tool: Calibrated to the proper stopping distance; activates an air-raid-quality horn inside car to remind driver that stopping on a "dime," not stopping "within a dime's distance," is the rule of thumb.
5. Motion-Activated Jesus on the Dash: Detects distraction due to driver cell phone usage or heads turned to discuss the latest sales at Dollar Tree with the passenger and announces "Eyes on the road, my child!"
6. Time Out Driving Mentor: Keeps track of non-use of turn signals, tailgating, and "California stops." After three violations, gently guides the culprit's car to the road shoulder for a ten minute "time out."
7. Red Light/Right Turn/Wait Windshield Flag: This spring-loaded beauty pops up to cover the aggressive driver's windshield when he/she attempts to turn right on red and cut off other cars traveling through green lights in cross-traffic.
And while you're at it, buy a couple of nifty sympathy gifts for yourself!
The rear mounted horn, for that aggressive driver who is following too close.
Fluorescent obscenity signs in ten different languages. Perfect for Grandma and the kids to hold up in the back seat. No need to keep them out of the fun.
Law of Gross Tonnage Magnets for the side of your car. They're stylish. They're fun! ...and they let everyone know that "He who has the biggest vehicle goes first!"
–The Mysterious Dr. F.