Dear Johnny,
Whenever I open a Word document, I see the “Home” tab, but it never takes me home.
Why?
crazy4u, So. Wapatusset
Dear Crazy,
“Home” is just a metaphor (that means “symbol”) for a “destination” some of “us” refer to when returning to the place of “origin” of the “document,” not the place of our “birth” or upbringing or where we store the Wii. In many software programs, words such as “mailings” and “Acrobat,” do not bring us glamour magazines or circus performers. You see, a certain level of technical “sophistication” must be learned and earned—we cannot simply grant it from our “nest” on the fifth floor.
I hope this helps.
Johnny, Techmeister of the Year
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Dear D-Man,
Sometimes I hear strange noises coming from a funny box near my desk and lots of very thin white stuff with magical scrawling comes out of it.
Runwitsizzas, Zone 479
Dear RunWit,
Not to worry; this is a common occurrence. We use software such as Word (many letters in small and large bunches), Excel (numbers and money things), and PowerPoint (pictures, arrows, dark and light areas), to produce “documents.” Sometimes we want to “print” such documents in color. In those instances, we “send” them to the big bright machine behind you to “print them out,” And thus the noise and white stuff. So don’t worry about those funny sounds; it means someone, somewhere, in your building is possibly doing something useful. Maybe. Probably one of the bosses. Hey—it could happen.
Word.
Johnny, Your Office Helper Guy
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Dear Spaz,
How do I become one your tech groupies?
Starryeyed456, Outside your office window
Dear Starry,
While we have unlimited capacity at Planet Spazmatonic, we do not have unlimited patience. We must separate the wheat from the barley, and then ferment the barley. Therefore, please send me a photo of yourself embedded in a Word document (or whipped cream), along with a 25-word statement as to why you would qualify as a Deputized Sheriff in the Great Techno KnowItAll Squadron, Secret Agent spaz’s Electronauts.
Slogan: “We’re not just technical geniuses, we floss, and use surge protectors, too!”
Motto 1A: “If it has electorific parts and wires, we know where the plugs are!”
Motto 1B: “We friggin’ love punctuation!%$#!”
Secret club password: SecretClubPassword. (This will be sent to you upon acceptance. You’ll be able to decode it with your Deputy badge. Hint: the hint is in the password.)
Brother Spaz, Lord of the Ether
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Dear Delusional “Guru,”
Is Microsoft—or even anyone at TMG—aware you are disseminating this drivel?
jhg, Wapatusset Dept of Truth
Dear Jhg,
First of all, no one has ever called me a “Guru” before—thank you. (And you know we love the extra punctuation marks! Cool!) I understand your eagerness to learn more. It took me months before I learned drivel. To access drivel in Microsoft Word, open HOME, open OPEN, open EDITOR folder, open SCRIM SHAW, and just start sorting through the documents. (Caution: Do not open anything if you have a mouth full of liquid! He he!)
Thermo Spaz, The IT Vacuum of Knowledge
Tech Tip of the Season: Every keyboard (except for laptops) has a number pad.
Try tapping 2, 4, 6, or 8 and see what happens!! (I know!!!! Cool, huh????)