From the editor: Dr. F. takes us to the sunny shores of Oahu. The good doctor (not a real medical doctor) spent a five-year stint in the Aloha State in the early 90s and regularly returns to stock up on favorite foodstuffs and supplies.
I had just finished the last precious morsels of my usual breakfast of Cheerios bathed in a large bowl of coffee, with two spoons of sugar and milk (no dairy creamer for me!).
I sparked up the old faithful Dimension 2100 Internet wave machine (known in advanced circles as an old computer) and gazed hopefully into the screen of my Synchmaster 753DF.
I activated the precision programming of my trusty search engine (or, as I like to call it, Dog Paddling Central) and heard the deadening boom of "You've Got Mail!" My heart pounded with anticipation at seeing the little blue envelope icon with a small green oval that read "750".
Hmmm…750…quite a big wave of Internet water for this dog-paddling novice! Was I ready? What mysterious adventures lay ahead?
Another sonic boom of "You've got mail!", and the seven email seas opened before me.
The titles for as far as the eye could see all read "110% Lowest Price Guarantee! Order Coconut Bras today!"
Holy Hilo Hattie's! I'd been "Spam Musubied!"
Ah! Spam musubi, the ultimate in Hawaiian snacks made from grilled SPAM, on rice, lovingly embraced in a "delicate" seaweed wrapper (lots of pictures on the Internet; It's like sushi gone wrong, but mighty tasty); but then, I digress.
Ah! SPAM musubi! (not to be confused with Dr. M. Kaschube, author of Pinwheel Stability Pattern Selection and the Geometry of Visual Space)… a cheaper sound reference would be the comparison to some other member of the Kaschube family, but then they would be bombarded with Facebook friend requests.
Ahem....back to the dog paddling...
The Username was correct: MMWW4ME (Mickey Mouse Water Wings for Me).
This mysterious Internet creature only identified her/himself as Luau Mama.
Had I given someone the wrong impression? Did I mistype at some time during my Internet swimming lessons up at the Valley Hunt Club Pool and Internet Cafe?
Surely I wasn't in the market for a coconut bra, as Aloha Fridays are a celebration of the amazing print patterns of the Aloha State and rarely leave room for this craftsman's delight.
What a dilemma! Opening 750 tiny waves of information, all from the same wellspring, delivered precisely every 40 seconds over the last 8-plus hours, would sure create an Internet wave of Banzai Pipeline proportions.
I speed paddled with my trusty cursor and the words blurred by as I scrolled down. I feared a killer Internet riptide which would suck me out to the Internet seas for good. I wasn't sure rip current safety tips I learned on Hawaii 50 (the original version) would apply. With which shoreline was I swimming parallel? Were the margins safe?
Thinking fast, with no Internet lifeguard in sight, I boogie-boarded the shift key across all the shimmering discount titles and pressed the curser, with an immediate "hang ten" on the "Enter" key.
And....Voila! The impending Internet tidal wave disappeared into the ether-world like an unsuspecting tourist in that most deceptive of all Hanauma Bay tourist "attractions," the Toilet Bowl (a natural pool formed by centuries of waves beating against the lava rock at Hanauma Bay on the beautiful island of Oahu; not that getting "flushed" against shards of razor-sharp lava is my idea of a "do before you die experience").
The resultant calm on the Syncmaster 753DF resembled Quaker Lake at sunset on a hot August afternoon.
Another dog paddling drowning avoided, but it left me with a lingering, longing, desire to Google Big Kahuna's on Oahu and inquire if they delivered their pulled pork sandwiches to "the Mainland."
Mahalo! Aloha! ....and jellyfish-free dog paddling to you!– Dr. F