10 Lifesaving Breakthroughs: Strategic Attic Storage of Holiday Heirlooms

1. ) Gather decorations picked up around the house since the last few holidays— like the fake owl you left in the window that was scaring the bejeepers out of the Avon Lady, the fake turkey you forgot in the front bushes (which now has a bullet hole in it from hunting season), and the third wise man who came up missing on January 5th.

2.) Grab Maglite®, ladder, hard hat with favorite NFL logo, and breathing mask to block inhalation of insulation dust (the Pink Panther didn't wear one in the commercials, but then again, he was a cartoon character).

3.) Position stepladder under ceiling attic portal, ascend, and pop the hatch and place hatch cover out of way to avoid boogie boarding down the center of the attic later.

4.) Go back down and review Wizard of Oz for flying-monkey swinging procedures to ensure easy movement through rafters.

5.) Check www.Home-Garage-Help.com for weight disbursement tips; e.g., do not store storing Santa's 4-litre sleigh engine upstairs.

6.) Get New Year’s disco ball and balance on head like an Eritrean villager, ascend ladder, place in accordance with crayoned load plan. Continue in same fashion with boxes of leftover Christmas ornaments found under couch, plastic urn of googly-eye Halloween lights, and blow-up MLK lawn statue.

7.) Bring down life-size log cabin appliqué for front of house, styrofoam Lincoln and Washington dolls, and dangly cupid tree ornaments.

8.) Close hatch to ensure birds that flew in through open louvers don't buzz-bomb you in the spring (wearing those little straw sombreros you had packed away for Cinco de Mayo).

9.) Put away ladder to avoid dancing with it at two in the morning en route to the bathroom.

10.) Sweep up plaster and tape deflated Mylar holiday-appropriate balloons over cracks, foot holes, and any boxes protruding through ceiling.