Dr. Barkle file photo
Coincidence? As a highly trained dog psychologist, I think not.
As an active member of a highly regarded canine consortium, my colleagues and I have deemed it this phenomenon “The Squirricides.” We have never before observed such a high number of permanently-pressed acorn-munching rodents.
Sure, within squirrels, there tends to be a heightened questioning of split-second decision-making.
“Okay, I’m going to run now!“No wait!”
“I better not!”
“No! I’m going to go for it!”
It doesn’t take much imagination to picture the poor little bushy-tailed tree-dweller attempting to decide whether or not to cross two lanes of potential traffic. As a human-transporter vehicle approaches, the rodent’s walnut-sized head quickly pivots back and forth (as if fired by misaligned and sporadic synaptic reflexes).
It begins its crossing, spins around, runs back, then suddenly makes a 360° rotation, closes its beady little eyes, aims for the opposite shoulder and GOES FOR IT!
Too many times, this sequence of events unfortunately closes with a rubber tire tread meeting misdirected squirrel–and SQUISH! Road Pizza!
I have to admit that the feeling amongst many other dog therapists was that the cause of this phenomenon was due to a squirrel’s inability to engage in abstract reasoning.
However, many of my colleagues are now attributing this behavior
to a form of depression brought on by a chemical imbalance that is heightened during
nut-gathering and archiving season.
Perhaps it is the nutrient-rich acorn itself that is the root cause of the problem–in the form of an allergic condition stimulated by tree nuts. Quite possibly it is Pre-hibernation Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS), a disorder similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) prevalent in humans during the sunlight-deprived winter months.
Rocky (and Bullwinkle) file photo
There is a small den of German Shepherd sociologists that places blame on the media, specifically within the entertainment industry and its current on-screen depiction of squirrels. The highly-evolved 1960’s flying-squirrel protagonist, Rocket J. Squirrel (Rocky), has been replaced with Spongebob’s Sandy Cheeks, a zany Texas squirrel who inhabits Bikini Bottom permanently water-sealed inside a bizarre spacesuit-like costume. YouTube is now host to a series of animated video shorts entitled “Suicidal Squirrels,” which promises to televise the deaths of 100 squirrels.
“No vunder ve hab ze problem wit ze squirrels offing demselves,” stated noted German Shepherd behavioral research pioneer, Dr. Bruno Von Leash. “Ve hope to have ze answer quite soon,” he added before spinning his massive head and bolting after his owner’s other house pet, Sasha, an endlessly taunting Siamese cat.
Dr. Von Leash file photo
We will provide additional information as soon as we either dig it up or fetch it. – Dr. Barkle
Necessary medical/legal disclaimer: Dr. Barkle is a real dog but not a medical doctor. He does, however, have a PhD from an obscure Midwestern canine & equine online university.