Tiny Mind Gazette

50 Halloween Costumes Screaming for HELP!

The definitive list from the tiny-minded editors of TMG:

1. Pregnant Girl Scout
   
2. Tiger Woods as Boy Scout
3. Ted Haggard as Boy Scout leader
4. Santa with ankle bracelet
   
5. Lindsay Lohan with ankle bracelet
6. Hobo (politically incorrect)
7. Flasher (illegal)
8. Gypsy
9. Cher dressed as Gypsy
10. Cher dressed as tramp
    
11. Ghost
12. Ghost of Patrick Swayze
13. Ghost of Gary Coleman
14. Ghost of Caspar Weinberger (the friendly Secretary of Defense)
    
15. Lady Gaga in meat dress (Greyote alert)
    
16. A-Rod without his lip gloss
17. Glee cast in GQ cover outfits
    
18. Clark Rockefeller
19. Christian Gerhartsreiter
20. Mad Christian Scientist
21. Rabbi Mel Gibson
22. Village People
23. Spice Girls
24. Old Spice Dude
25. Cheech and Chong
26. Adam and Eve
27. Edie and Steve
28. Gary Busey with fake Oscar
29. Sarah Palin with fake high school diploma
30. Chuck Berry with toilet plunger
31. Brett Favre with cell phone
32. Nick Nolte with booze bottle
33. David Hasselhoff with cheeseburger
34. Snooki with beer bong
35. Rip Torn waving gun
36. Dick Cheney in hunting gear
37. Jimmy “The Rent is Too Damn High” McMillan
38. Randy Quaid as Canadian Mountie
39. Florence Henderson with Wesson oil
40. Florence Henderson with Greg Brady
41. Donnie and Marie
42. Salt and Pepper
43. Salt-N-Pepa
44. Assault & Battery
45. Charlie Sheen with cheerleader
46. Pregnant cheerleader
    
47. Heidi Montag as Bride of Frankenstein
48. Michael Jackson’s favorite chimp, Bubbles
    
49. “Boy in the Bubble”
50. "Balloon Boy" floating into thin air...

But wait! There's more!

TMG-inspired costumes:

1. Scrim Shaw
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Chief Liam O’Liam
   
   
3. Nan Flanders
4. Member of the Speedwell Guild
5. Pilgrim (gone wild)
6. Crazy Old Man
7. Greyote
8. Greyote disguised as grandmother
9. Carpetbagger (also see: “Johnny Come Lately”)
10. Village People (Townies)

Note: Tiny minds running on empty this month.
Post your own clever ideas in the Comments bar below and we'll keep our list growing.
Happy Halloween! 

 

The TMG List of 50 Things You May Still Do While Piloting an Automobile

With recent rulings prohibiting Text Messaging while driving, as a public service to our readers we have compiled a list of activities that (according to our research) may still be combined with automobile navigation and maneuvering.

We see this as a ‘working list’ and encourage your feedback and participation. Please send us your additions, and if they pass our editorial board, we will add them to our official list. Regular updates will be posted, as the list continues to build. We thank you in advance for your participation. And remember, your mother may be a Tiny Mind subscriber.

1.          Apply eyeliner

2.          Apply initials to car seat with wood-burning set powered by cigarette lighter

3.          Apply mustache bleach

4.          Attempt self-tattoo project

5.          Attempt to bend metal car parts with concentrative mind control

6.          Carve name in dashboard with spare key

7.          Clip toenails

8.          Close windows, crank up the heat: voila! mobile sauna

9.          Conduct self-pedicure

10.       Crochet an afghan

11.       Cut diamond

12.       Decoupage steering wheel

13.       Dissect earthworm or small frog on passenger seat

14.       Draw on fogged windows

15.       Encourage small pet to sit on your lap

16.       Exfoliate

17.       Fry egg on dashboard

18.       Ingest two-handed sandwiches while steering

19.       Learn to play harmonica

20.       Make Cup-O-Soup with portable hot pot

21.       Make decorative Christmas tree out of Reader's Digest magazine

22.       Make prank calls on speaker phone

23.       Manicure bonsai tree

24.       Master Etch-a-Sketch

25.       Master the "Detroit Lean"

26.       Mount bugs in insect collection

27.       Needlepoint

28.       Origami, baby!

29.       Perform simple surgical operation on one's own self

30.       Pick nose

31.       Pierce own ear

32.       Prick voodoo doll with pins

33.       Play-Doh Fun Factory

34.       Powder nose

35.       Practice card tricks

36.       Practice coin tricks

37.       Read newspaper

38.       Remove unwanted body hair with tweezers

39.       Safety Dance, do the

40.       Scratch "Scratch Tickets"

41.       Scratch off old dump stickers!

42.       Sew (or staple) Scout badges to sash

43.       ShamWow armpits before important meeting

44.       Shave

45.       Shave small pet

46.       Silly Putty

47.       Solve Rubik's Cube

48.       Steer with knees

49.       Wax mustache

50.       Wring hands

Professionals Perplexed by Parker Posey Puzzle

Townspeople are still coming to grips with last week’s “Snack Attack,” as it’s been dubbed, involving Parker Posey’s body-double and a hungry Greyote. The incident took place while shooting a scene for an independent film set in a “quaint New England village.” (See last week's Police BLOG.)

Although the actress was not hurt, it has caused alarm in this quiet suburb where “nothing ever happens… I mean NOTHING,” according to a 14-year-old teenage girl who skipped school to sneak onto the set as an extra. “This is the most exciting thing to happen in Wapatusset since the Kevin Bacon double shot out of a cannon on Spritzing Rock Pond,” said society columnist Nan Flanders.

Shaw (file photo)

Scrim Shaw, director of GROL, has urged people to calm down and not jump to conclusions. “This whole thing is a lot of hype. Complete hogwash. And I think the danger level is being overblown.” He recommends changing the alert level from Hadley Red to Chesterton Buff. Having been “distracted by other matters” for some time now (and presumed dead for a brief period), Shaw says his organization plans to step up its education efforts in the coming months.

O'Liam (file photo)

Police Chief Liam O’Liam, on the other hand, is urging citizens to remain on alert. He will hold a press conference next week to answer questions and issue specific guidelines, including a possible curfew. Residents should prepare for strict regulations regarding Halloween trick-or-treating. When asked if canceling Halloween in Wapatusset is a possibility, the chief replied, “I’m not saying we’re canceling it, I’m not saying we’re not.”

Stay tuned for further announcements. 

- reported by Agent SS

Police BLOG: Greyote attacks south of Boston; Parker Posey lookalike treated for injuries

Snack attack

Oct 10 -- Greyote accused of biting Parker Posey body-double on independent-film set in Wapatusset village. Police and ambulance called to scene. Minor injuries; no broken skin. Animal rights activist calls it a “misunderstanding” due to mismarked bag from local deli. (Greyote hunting for buffalo chicken upset to find tofu-tabouleh wrap.) Animal may or may not be member of pack involved in dumpster diving/police trousers incident behind bagel shop. Matter under investigation; details to follow.

Old guy gets his gourd

Oct 13 -- Crazy old guy accused of throwing gourds at cars. Two previous counts of throwing crab apples at cars. Man resisted arrest, calling the vegetables “ridiculous” and “pointless.” Police suggested he redirect his anger towards squirrels.

Mazed and confused 

Oct 14 -- Woman calls to report friend missing in corn maze. Says he accompanied her family on day trip but got lost and never returned. Glenn Denver, 34, owner of Sweat Lodge Massage in Wapatusset village (no permanent residence listed), was located after a 3-hour K-9 search and returned to his friend’s barn.

- reported by Agent SS

"Squirricidal Tendencies" by canine therapist, Dr. Barkle

Dr. Barkle file photo

There is quite the buzz around the kennel’s community water bowl concerning the sharp increase of recent in-road squirrel deaths. In Wapatusset, you don’t have to go very far before seeing yet another “squirrel scab” flattened to the asphalt.

Coincidence? As a highly trained dog psychologist, I think not.

As an active member of a highly regarded canine consortium, my colleagues and I have deemed it this phenomenon “The Squirricides.” We have never before observed such a high number of permanently-pressed acorn-munching rodents.

Sure, within squirrels, there tends to be a heightened questioning of split-second decision-making.

“Okay, I’m going to run now!
“No wait!”
“I better not!”
“No! I’m going to go for it!”

It doesn’t take much imagination to picture the poor little bushy-tailed tree-dweller attempting to decide whether or not to cross two lanes of potential traffic. As a human-transporter vehicle approaches, the rodent’s walnut-sized head quickly pivots back and forth (as if fired by misaligned and sporadic synaptic reflexes).

It begins its crossing, spins around, runs back, then suddenly makes a 360° rotation, closes its beady little eyes, aims for the opposite shoulder and GOES FOR IT!

Too many times, this sequence of events unfortunately closes with a rubber tire tread meeting misdirected squirrel–and SQUISH! Road Pizza!

I have to admit that the feeling amongst many other dog therapists was that the cause of this phenomenon was due to a squirrel’s inability to engage in abstract reasoning.

However, many of my colleagues are now attributing this behavior to a form of depression brought on by a chemical imbalance that is heightened during nut-gathering and archiving season.

Perhaps it is the nutrient-rich acorn itself that is the root cause of the problem–in the form of an allergic condition stimulated by tree nuts. Quite possibly it is Pre-hibernation Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS), a disorder similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) prevalent in humans during the sunlight-deprived winter months.

Rocky (and Bullwinkle) file photo

There is a small den of German Shepherd sociologists that places blame on the media, specifically within the entertainment industry and its current on-screen depiction of squirrels. The highly-evolved 1960’s flying-squirrel protagonist, Rocket J. Squirrel (Rocky), has been replaced with Spongebob’s Sandy Cheeks, a zany Texas squirrel who inhabits Bikini Bottom permanently water-sealed inside a bizarre spacesuit-like costume. YouTube is now host to a series of animated video shorts entitled “Suicidal Squirrels,” which promises to televise the deaths of 100 squirrels.

“No vunder ve hab ze problem wit ze squirrels offing demselves,” stated noted German Shepherd behavioral research pioneer, Dr. Bruno Von Leash. “Ve hope to have ze answer quite soon,” he added before spinning his massive head and bolting after his owner’s other house pet, Sasha, an endlessly taunting Siamese cat.

Dr. Von Leash file photo

We will provide additional information as soon as we either dig it up or fetch it. – Dr. Barkle

Necessary medical/legal disclaimer: Dr. Barkle is a real dog but not a medical doctor. He does, however, have a PhD from an obscure Midwestern canine & equine online university.