miners (file photos)
Woman Arrested for Serving Miners.
A forty-five-year-old Wapatusset woman was recently arrested
for serving alcoholic beverages to underage miners while hosting a recent house
party.
“These young men work in a dark and dusty coal mine all day,
which makes them incredibly thirsty. I asked to see some identification but
their licenses were so smudged with dirt and grime, I could barely make out
some of the characters,” said newly incarcerated mom, Brittany Spaniel-Dawes.
Her husband, S. Roland Dawes III, mentioned that Brittany’s
eyesight was not what it used to be, and that she refused to wear her reading
glasses.
With the closest active coal mine located nearly 300 miles
from Wapatusset, local police investigators remain overwhelmingly perplexed.
Wapatusset Cocktail Parties With A New Twist.
Sure, you’ve been to a Wapatusset cocktail party. In most
instances, after a couple of hours of chit-chat, schmoozing, and regular
hydration, you walk away totally hammered. Local resident Meghan Labra-Doodle
has come up with a clever solution. Meghan also serves food at her parties.
“The idea first came to me while scrap-booking,” commented
Meghan. “I was looking through a box of my mother’s old photos and came to the
realization that party hosts of my mother’s generation served some sort of food
substances, in addition to heavily laced alcoholic drink concoctions.”
During a recent gathering, the Doodles experimented with
their new theory. “We could not believe the difference,” remarked Meghan’s
husband, Biff. “The next morning, there were fewer skid marks on our street,
the mailbox was still upright, and we had fewer comatose bodies passed out in
our shrubbery.”
The Doodles are currently planning the Labor Day Block Party
for their neighborhood association. With their recent success, you can be sure
that their upcoming social gathering will include crackers and cheese.
Jogging Stroller Drag Race & Canadian Goose Shoot
Postponed by Wapatusset Merchants Association
Even though local retail sales numbers remain somewhat
stagnant and in need of a strategic marketing boost, the local Merchant’s
Association has decided to cancel two much-anticipated events.
R. Remington Winchester, association co-chair and owner of Sportsman’s
Paradise & Taxidermy Center (covering all your guns, beer and tobacco
needs), said that after a group vote, the organization would rather concentrate
their efforts on the upcoming “Running of the Turkeys.”
“The ‘ROT’ was a huge event last year and with some of the
new restrictions in place regarding trebuchet calibration, we are anticipating
less property damage and serious injuries,” stated Col. Winchester. “Besides,
the precision required to hurl a 20 lb. frozen turkey hundreds of yards requires
an extremely comprehensive understanding of both math and science. We see this
event as a wonderful partnering opportunity with our local public school
system.”
In the Next “Around the Pond”:
• What about public parking for Flying Cars?
Recently
appointed fact finding sub-committee stares into the future
• New evidence suggests that Wapatusset ‘witch’ burned
at stake in 1694,
may have been suffering from eating disorder
• Local firetrucks & rescue vehicles replace tire air with
helium,
increasing tread-ware and reducing emergency response time
• Iodine: A Vodka & Tonic’s hidden secret Ingredient
• Scurvy prevention program introduced by local citrus growers
