10. German exchange student has been secretly living in Television
Series section of Wapatusset video store for past three weeks, studying accents
of Thurston Howell the Third. His disappearance was a simple miscommunication
due to confusing accent.
9. “Blue + Yellow” is the new “Green”.
8. Yoga purists remain adamant about the raising of Lycra in
non-cage-free environments and are organizing planned Spandex boycott. Ghandi
Brand® white, 100% organic cotton swaddling cloths become exercise outfit of
choice.
7. Disgruntled organic farmer seen guzzling a Diet Coke® and
munching on Cheez-It® Crackers, while driving Hummer® with faulty exhaust
system.
6. Youth baseball coach admits: “If it weren’t for my dedication to the sport, my uncoordinated, 10 year-old would be riding the pine for the entire (30 games in 37 days) travel season just like every other uncoordinated 10 year-old on my team.”
5. Limes are garnish of choice for summer cocktail season.
Olive use increases during autumn and winter months, experts say.
4. Domestic violence and dangerous gunplay increases within
homes where home schooling is education option of choice.
3. The Deadliest Intersection: demented highway expert sees
limiting traffic lights as a way of “culling the herd”.
2. Scientist fears
that regular iPhone texting may cause human mutation of hands to bird-like
talons—and has iPhone photo to prove it. “Bird Boy” to travel to schools
throughout state to tell his harrowing tale.