WPATV Channel 13: Announces Three New Shows for Fall Lineup

Wapatusset Public Access TV (Channel 13) will be adding three new shows to their fall lineup. The locally produced shows are being generously underwritten by V-Mobile, in exchange for an agreement reached with the Wapatusset Police Department.  All uniformed officers will now wear miniature mobile cell towers on their heads, disguised inside English Bobby-style police helmets.

Anthony (file photo)
“We think that this uniform upgrade will add to our village’s quaint character, make our police force more approachable, and greatly improve cell phone coverage. Win, win, win!” remarked Channel 13 news anchor Edwardo Anthony. “In addition, the local programming will allow our seaside hamlet to showcase some of our theatrical talents. I have already been asked to make a guest appearance on an episode of Desperate Dumpsters.”

“You can’t swing a cat without hitting a casting trailer or a catering truck,” stated Animal Control Officer Studs Snerkel. “My cousin Lou landed the lead role in N*I*M*B*Y. They’ve asked me to help out with some of the animal training and wrangling, on an as- needed basis. I am currently wiring up a chipmunk so that it talks like Mr. Ed.”

Here is a quick summary of the three new series:

GPS: Spells Murder

Each week, celebrity guests find themselves behind the wheel of a Toyota Prius with a portable navigation system. Despite punching in the GPS logistics of their desired destination, the navigation system directs the driver to a murder scene. Immediately following their arrival, they are arrested by a handsomely clever police detective and his whacky sidekick, who have been monitoring the activity within the Prius through hidden video cameras. It is up to the celebrity guests to prove their innocence as well as solve the murder mystery.

Desperate Dumpsters
Question: What do the women of Wampatusset prefer more than diamonds?

Answer: A dumpster in their driveway!  

A large, portable dumpster receptacle parked in your driveway can only mean one thing: You are having your kitchen remodeled! In this series, a handsomely clever Mormon contractor and his whacky sidekick find themselves ducking and dodging advances from suburban housewives, desperate for new cabinets, countertops and high-end appliances.

N*I*M*B*Y (Not In My Back Yard)
In this reality series, unsuspecting homeowners awake to find something undesirable in their backyard. Items may include: a dilapidated motor home, any large object covered with a bright blue tarp, a school bus load of Rastafarian street performers, a gaggle of lawn gnomes, etc.

At the beginning and end of each show, cardiologist Dr. Gray Von Fleece secretly monitors the vital signs of the unsuspecting victims. The more drastic the change, the more points are accumulated. The top four high-scorers will return for a holiday special where a grand prize winner is selected. The show is hosted by an adorable talking chipmunk, making it suitable entertainment for the entire family.