Following the arrest
of the Russian double-agent posing as a Wapatusset tennis mom (see "Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?") and the subsequent spy
swap (see "Spy Swap [not Wife Swap!] set for Russian Agent South of Boston"), I had a chance to sit down
with the man behind the big bust—the notorious publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, whose real name
I cannot mention due to the pending criminal investigation. For purposes of this interview,
we’ll go with his alias during the spy reporting: Thompson Hunter (TH).
Agent SS: Congratulations. That was quite a snag.
TH: Thank you, Agent Sisson. I couldn’t have done it without the
help of the Wapatusset Junior Militia Group and the recently installed cell
tower/steeple in the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church. I’d
also like to give a shout out to my peeps in the Speedwell Guild—who agreed to
kindly pick up my bar tab as I scoured every watering hole in the tri-town
area.
SS: I thought your background was in graphic design and professional gymnastics. How does that qualify you for investigative reporting?
TH: True, professionally, I have held down a variety of
occupations—including poodle groomer, awning jumper and graphic designer. I
should note that the awning jumping was just a brief veering off of a
legitimate career path. I was going through some issues at the time and was
having a hard time expressing myself. After severe spine twisting and a series
of concussions, I left that business in search of a solid desk job. To this
day, I still cannot stand the smell of canvas.
I have always been a constant questioner. Where do babies
come from? Why do fools fall in love? Have you seen my car keys? How did this
llama get in here? What in the hell were you thinking? I have also had the
intuitive ability to never accept “no” as a definitive final answer—without
being physically threatened, of course.
All of these experiences and abilities have helped me to
become a pretty decent detective, as well as challenging cocktail party guest.
SS: I hear you’ll soon be awarded with a Wapatusset ÜberCitizen
Badge, which is similar to the Speedwell Guild’s Titanium Cross, at a special
pinning ceremony in the coming weeks.
TH: I feel very honored and will accept it with great humility,
gratitude and style. By the way, do you know if there is a check included? I
owe a small fortune to TIME/LIFE Books, as well as the Look
of Leather® Organic Tanning Salon.
SS: Have you been asked to testify in court?
TH: Yes, I also have to wear an ankle bracelet for 90 days and
attend weekly meetings with my parole officer.
Oh! The Russian Spy thing! I was thinking of something else!
Sorry.
At this time, I have not been asked to participate in a court
hearing. This may change as details continue to unfold. Do you know if I would
be compensated for appearing in court?
SS: Is it true that the suspect was writing messages on cocktail
napkins using invisible ink? Do you have any experience with decoding?
TH: Invisible ink? Yes, but not intentionally. I was so engrossed
in my conversation with the entrancingly enchanting, yet ruthlessly evil
suspect [Muffy Milken], that I failed to recognize that my precision-alloy,
over-engineered German writing device had run of ink. Fortunately, I am
extremely heavy-handed and the inkless pen left a clear enough impression for
deciphering back at the office. Fortunately, with it being summer, I tend to
consume beverages composed of clear liquors. Had it been winter and I was
drinking bourbon… who knows what the napkin might have said!
As for decoding, with my highly advanced knowledge of the
English language, along with my ability to quickly complete Highlights Magazine
pictograms, I can unlock even the most complex anagramorphic (that’s a word,
right?) puzzle.
SS: Did you carry any special surveillance equipment or devices
on this assignment?
TH: I wore an undetectable “Mustache Cam” with surround-sound
audio capabilities. Unfortunately, this whole setup included a 40 lb. backpack that
caused me to lose my balance several times—and once to careen backwards, off
the bar stool and on to the beer-soaked bar floor.
SS: Did you watch "Rocky & Bullwinkle" as a kid?
TH: Occasionally, when the antenna was turned in just the right
direction. I did read SPY vs. SPY in Mad Magazine and later was a regular
subscriber to SPY magazine.
SS: Do you think there could be more Russian spies in Wapatusset?
TH: Definitely. I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg.
We should also be on the outlook for gypsies, tramps and thieves!
SS: What kind of punishment do you think would be just? Isn’t
this swap thing letting her off a bit easy?
TH: I think that the swap is acceptable. I might also require
attendance at a spring Middle School band concert. That would put the fear of
God into her!
O'Liam (file photo)
SS: How has this changed your relationship with the Wapatusset
police, specifically chief Liam O’Liam?
TH: Liam and I go way back. We attended grade school together and
have been lifelong friends. I would not be where I am today, without his
constant leaking of classified information and evidence tampering. Oh, wait!
Did I say that out loud? Just joking!
SS: Do you like borscht?
TH: I might drive one if I had the money. But how come the guys
that drive them are all middle-aged, bald or fat?
Oh, you mean Russian beet soup! I thought that you were
talking about a precision-alloy, over-engineered German sports car!
No. I am not a big fan of herbaceous plants.
SS: What would you say to critics who call the Tiny Mind Gazette a
subversive publication? Do you or any of your associates have Communist
leanings?
TH: I cannot think of one Communist currently on staff. There may
be a couple currently on vacation. I will have to check with our HR department.
As for being a subversive publication, I know that we offer
the only real opinion that matters and people should believe everything that we
print! - reported by Agent SS
