Well-Calculated Strategic Insight from Military Genius,
Major Jack Mack
Please consider the following conditions:
- FACT: There is a challenging summer job market for high school and college students.
- FACT: Many young Wampatusset males (12-21) are forced to hang around home this summer, watching TV or playing Call of Duty (COD) on X-Box Live. This platform features an Internet connection, allowing virtual- killing game play – in multiple, family living rooms, simultaneously.
- There are supposedly Wapatusset-based, covert military operatives, monitoring local COD game play, spotlighting those physically idle teenage boys with with high kill-ratios and extended time periods in front of a TV screen.
- Rumors abound concerning a top-secret intelligence-gathering team, working out of a former storage closet, deep within the Pentagon. These agents are compiling COD win ratios, allowing them to focus in on the best and brightest video warriors.
- FACT: The treacherous Wapatusset streets can only be compared to war-torn Beirut during the worst of times.
- FACT:
Wapatusset + Summertime = WEDDING FACTORY
- FACT:
Wedding Guest Monitoring and DUI Enforcement + Extensive Roadwork and Uniformed Flagmen = OVER-WORKED POLICE DEPARTMENT - FACT:
The Wapatusset Junior Militia! A win win situation!
As part of the federal government’s economic stimulus package (and due to cumulative COD test scores), the Speedwell Guild, on behalf of the Office of Homeland Security, has secured a grant to fund the Wapatusset Junior Militia. This will begin forming almost immediately.
All eligible participants will soon be notified concerning their preliminary meeting and screening locations. Marching drills slated for the town common are currently being coordinated by the Wapatusset Recreation Department.
Please allow us to remind you that reporting at your designated time, and to your designated location, is mandatory. Have a great summer!