Rumor Alert:
As often happens in small towns, rumors about yesterday’s fire have been spreading faster than head lice in a second-grade classroom. Before we publish our factual report by two of our veteran TMG news reporters, we’d like to dispel some of the more ludicrous stories circulating through town:
#1: A busload of Amish people did not travel from Pennsylvania to Wapatusset to dismantle the cell tower inside the church steeple due to philosophical disagreements over the (over)use of technology in society. They were not part of the Amish Service Project (ASP), cleverly disguised as community service volunteers.
#2: One of those fictitious Amish settlers did not try to “defect” to Wapatusset society, having been tempted the attractive array of high-tech gadgets, middle-aged women in golf skirts, and men in German sports car convertibles. He was not chased to Buffalo, New York by authorities.
Act of God? or AT&T?
To the bewildered Wapatusset crowd gathered on the town common yesterday evening, the events of the past six hours felt much more like a nightmare than reality. It was only a quarter of a day ago that Reverend Torrie Pines had formally blessed the new X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church steeple.
Pines (file photo)
As the site of the formerly pristine house of worship and historic town landmark continued to smolder and smoke, some of the bystanders joined hands and sang Kumbaya, many with tears streaming down their faces. Not to be outdone, a group of “GLEEsters” followed with a dramatic rendition of “God Save the Steeple,” based on the Godspell hit with a similar name.
“It had seemed like such a great idea at the time,” stated V-Mobile communications engineer, Wayne Waubbins. “The town’s historical society refused to let us build a standard cellular tower, so we agreed to build one inside the steeple. We also knew that with the number of “Crackberries” in town and the nearly non-existent cellular service, this project would be of great benefit to everyone involved.”
Hooper (file photo)
Town fire inspector, Harold “Blaze” Hooper, had this to say: “We are thinking that the sudden lightning strike, together with the sustained heavy draw on the cellular signal, may have been the deadly combination that started the whole chain of catastrophic events.”
Bystanders reported seeing a large group of businessmen (possibly money managers and hedge fund operatives), smart phones in hand, standing on the grassy knoll by the pond immediately before the initial lightening strike. Other witnesses claim to have witnessed one, or possibly two, additional lightning strikes. Investigators, for the time being, are sticking by the “Single Strike Theory”.
McBryan (file photo), pointing finger at relevant Bible verse
“I am positive that we have witnessed an act of God,” stated assistant choir director, Norma McBryan. In the Good Book, Revelations I think, the use of electronic devices in, and within the close vicinity to a house of worship, is heavily discouraged.”
Franklin (file painting), Smalls (file photo)
A coven of local psychics claim to have had recent conversations with Benjamin Franklin, who made several direct references to the dangerous implications of the steeple-tower combo. “He presented us with very negative feedback concerning the project and suggested that we make every attempt to stop it,” stated Town Medium, Largie Smalls. “Unfortunately, this is our busy season, and with all of the tourism, carnivals and local fairs; we tend to think more 'in the moment,’ as we juggle busy summer schedules. The steeple debate was unfortunately not on our radar screens.”