Evenhanded Advice from Stop&Chat Deli Manager, Karl Havarti
Dear Karl:My husband recently had his chest and back waxed.
He said that it was for competing in the recent triathlon but I am not sure.
Do you think that he is gay?
Signed,
Nervous Wreck
Dear Nervous Wreck:
I am thinking that your husband is a metrosexual with serious hair phobia issues (HPI). This happens.
There was a time when I insisted on wearing a hairnet 24/7–not just behind the deli counter. And Lord knows, I am a 100% Babe Magnet. Let it go. If he starts excessive Glee watching, drop me another note. If this is the case, you may be on to something.
Karl.
Dear Karl:
My 10-year-old signed up for summer baseball. We will be playing 37 games within the next 30 days–including weekend tournaments (on some godforsaken, dusty fields with no physical address, a stinking port-a-potty, and snack bars hawking processed meat by-product sandwiches that have been charred beyond recognition). For between-game meals, I pack turkey sandwiches for my son and me.
Herein lies the problem.
The combination of long and tedious baseball games and the turkey’s sleep-inducing tryptophan causes me to lose focus and zone out. This is a problem since I am the team’s statistician and scorekeeper. What should I do?
Signed,
Trypping Out in the Dugout.
Dear Trypping:
Recently, one of our suppliers introduced a liverwurst with a "Caffeine Burst." The product is still being beta-tested and may be available by early autumn. I have heard that it is quite popular with long-distance freight haulers.
I played Little League in my youth and still have nightmares involving right field and bloodsucking weeds that wrap themselves around my ankles and work their way up to my neck, choking the very life out of me.
For you and your son’s current dilemma, I might suggest a sport with less passivity and a little more action–Lacrosse, for instance. Full contact mini-golf is another idea.
Karl.
Karl:
Like my hero, Al Gore, I am all about saving the earth and doing my part. But what is with the Toyota Prius?
Signed,
Mr. Green
Dear Mr. Green:
I know exactly where you are coming from. I look at one of those vehicles and see either kitchen appliance or clown car.
The next time that you are in the store, stop by the Sushi section. The same Japanese engineering that went into making those preciously rolled, raw-fish crumpets (with the fish-egg filling and plastic grass dividers) designed the Prius.
I sense that like me, you are more of a Salami, Bologna and Braunschweiger type of dude. Put you behind the wheel of a Mustang, Camaro or an F-150 – and you are THE MAN! Put you behind the wheel of a Prius and you might as well be watching Glee and scorekeeping Little League baseball games.
Do your earth-saving due diligence by picking "paper" over "plastic." The next time you start thinking Prius, ask yourself : Would John Wayne, Charlton Heston, Mel Gibson or Steve McQueen drive a car with 9” tires that hums as it passes?
Rock on.
Karl.
*plural of Prius (we Googled it)