TMG Road Post: The Most Patriotic People In The Good Ole U.S. of A.

As you might imagine, this was a very tough assignment for the disgruntled and grossly underpaid tiny editorial staff of TMG. Although our home-base of Wapatusset provides a rich cast of characters, we do pack up the Winnebago (TMGRV) and hit the road for our more far-reaching news assignments. Using advanced satellite technology (we purchased a former Soviet, 1970s model off eBay – and with a few spare Ford Pinto parts it works like a charm), we telexed this report in to the unsympathetic and overbearing publisher, who is holding down the fort at TMG headquarters. Stay tuned for his report on the most UNpatriotic people in America. (Or in Wapatusset. We're under a tight deadline.)

The Most Patriotic People

FIRST PLACE

Frank “Mel” Melloncamp | 
St. Louis, MO

Favorite songs:

“Born in the U.S.A.” (Bruce Springsteen), “Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On” (Conway Twitty)

Mel (no relation to John “Cougar”) sees the world in red, white and blue. His home, office cubicle, and everything he touches is decorated in stars and stripes. As an airbrush artist and graphic arts production assistant for A-A-A-A-ACME (proudly made in the U.S.A.) Packaging, he has free reign of industrial sprayers, compressors and gallons of toxic paint and ink. However, he chooses only three colors.

In preparation for July 4th, Mel spent the last four months painstakingly recreating the pinup image of Sarah Palin wearing an American flag bikini on the silo of his red barn. The svelte 2-D Sarah totes a 3-D rifle, constructed of recycled Marlboro cigarette cartons and scrap metal.

Mel drives a red Dodge Ram truck; drinks PBRs; wears denim on denim; eats only white bread and always wears white Fruit of the Loom briefs (bleached and boiled on the stovetop weekly by his Korean mother-in-law).  

His mission is to beautify America, one block at a time. Call for a free calendar or quote on your desktop publishing or airbrush artistry needs.

RUNNERS UP

Leeane “Hotlips” Lincoln
 | Epping, NH

Motto:
“Live Free or Die, Dammit”

Favorite junk food: 

Deep-fried Slim Jims

Hotlips is living the American dream, working three different jobs: NASCAR usherette, New Hampshire Tax-Free liquor store checkout clerk, and seasonal fireworks demonstration artist. In her spare time she fights against motorcycle helmet laws in neighboring states, the “cafeteria police” in her grandchildren’s school district, and the Dixie Chicks.

Nod Clogsworth
 | Wapatusset, MA

Mottoes: 

“Get a Haircut”  
“Nuclear Power or Bust”

Favorite junk food:

Wispride port cheese spread on a Carr’s water biscuit; Brigham’s frozen pudding

Hero: 

William F. Buckley

If not for his smart seersucker suits, you might mistake Nod for a Libertarian. As far as he’s concerned, America is going to hell in a hand-basket. And fast. He’s determined to bring down the Communist town, state and federal government by writing as many letters to the editor of the Wapatusset Seafarer as possible. In his spare time, he serves as a docent at the Hysterical Society Museum (dressed in period costume) and does battle re-enactments with the local chapter of the Speedwell Guild. A board member of the NRA, he once shot off his big toe at the local Rod and Gun Club, just to prove that guns were safe. "I've had a wooden toe for 20 years now and it hasn't slowed me down a bit," he said. "Plus I get Handicapped parking and a front row seat at Town Meeting."

Mr. Clogsworth, we tip our straw hats to you!