Nan is a long-time resident of Wapatusset and has a PhD in social psychology from the Tell it Like It Is Online Institute. Her book, In Any Other Town I’d be Rich & Skinny: Lessons from the Bottom Rung of a Fast-Climbers’ Ladder, has recently been banned from the Wapatusset Public Library.
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Dear Nan:
Over the past few months I have been invited to no fewer than 15 “trunk shows” held at the homes of friends and acquaintances from Wapatusset. Goods have ranged from clamshell-bedazzled skinny jeans to gasoline-powered massage tools to edible wine charms and recycled jug-wine decanter kits (acetylene torch included). I would like to support my well-meaning friends who are starting these new ventures, but frankly, my idea of a good time is not speed-sipping quarts of Pinot Grigio and buying crap I don’t need. My home is already overrun with decoupaged lamp shades. Please advise.
Signed,
Trunk Show Burnout
Dear Burnout:
Ahhhh. We were waiting for this question to come across our desks. Oh so complex an issue, yet so simple an answer: Politely decline all invitations. Allow us to print your real name and then head to your Panic Room. We promise you, there will be no more festively decorated envelopes in your nautically-themed mailbox. And that includes perkily cheerful invites to: festive holiday napkin swaps, navel adornment seminars, takeout food rewarming sessions, and book groups. Bon chance.
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Dear Nan:
My husband is constantly commenting on a very fit neighbor whose “butt cheeks are so tight she could crack walnuts.” I’ve tried to combat his comments with humor and have even ramped up my own personal training time to 20 hours a week, but nothing gives. Now, I feel hurt and depressed and don’t quite know what to do.
Signed,
Sweating Profusely, Yet Unnoticed
Dear Unnoticed:
You need to be upfront with your husband and let him know his inappropriate comments are hurtful, especially with the town’s high sensitivity to tree nut allergies. If his obnoxious taunting continues, let me suggest you hire Damian LaBoeuf, former bodyguard to Chuck Norris impersonator, Norm Chorris, and the lead personal trainer at the Wapatusset Club. If you’re on a budget, I believe the Suzanne Sommers ThighMaster now comes with the ButtMaster attachment. If you order immediately, they will also throw in a John Ritter Two-fer (combination nut cracker and corkscrew).
If you get in shape but his comments persist, I might suggest hiring a private detective. There are many high-end PIs familiar with the Wapatusset beat, but you won’t find them in the yellow pages. Leave a comment below and I’ll hook you up.
Problems with work, neighbors, school, marriage? Burning questions about social etiquette, social networking disease, or society in general? Global warming? The meaning of cinnamon-flavored LIFE? Prius or golf cart? Not sure what to wear to that “Save the Pickled Herring” fundraiser on Saturday night? Leave your questions for Nan in the Comments section below.