Kamp King Arthur is located near major highways
and within close proximity to several large outlet malls.
THE WORST
3. Ferrari Camp: Maranello, Modena, Italy
This camp’s $290,000 (US dollars) price tag will discourage
many camp candidates. Although the sticker price does include a refurbished and
factory re-certified Ferrari F430 (shipping costs and interior floormat package
not included), we found the camp lacking in expected camp activities. There
were no group sing-alongs, ghost stories around the campfire, or group bonding
exercises. Despite being highly trained and certified Ferrari repair
technicians, the camp staff was found to be aloof and unengaged.
2. Camp Bling-Bling: Los Angeles, CA
Each camper is assigned a “crib” with seven other campers.
Each day, one of the group becomes the “MC” and the others act as posse
members. Mornings are spent creating rap songs that are performed and recorded
in the late afternoon. It is up to each MC and posse to protect their playlist
and hide their “stash” where rival gangs can’t find them. Get “popped with a
cap” and your team must reinvent itself. At the camp’s conclusion, parents are
given a “greatest hits” recording, complete with personalized cover art.
Although there were many positive benefits to this camp, we
found the aftereffects quite concerning. Returning campers expressed an
extremely strong desire to dress in low-riding prison jeans (that exposed the
waistband of their underpants) and flat-brimmed baseball caps (cocked to the
side), all accessorized with plenty of bling.
“Our son, H. Reginald Smythe III, no longer fits in with the
rest of his Choate classmates,” remarked the parent of a recent Camp
Bling-Bling attendee. “Thankfully, the good folks at Vineyard Vines are
sponsoring a mental reconditioning program, which appears to be working quite
effectively. It is to be hoped that our ‘Biff’ will return to the boy we knew,
before he left for LA.”
1. Former Child Actor & Professional Athlete Camp:
located
on a private island near Costa Rica
Campers are treated to whatever they want and whenever they
want it. However, abuse your privileges and you are either: sent to jail,
fitted with an ankle bracelet and kept under cabin-arrest, or sent to rehab.
Upon arrival, each camper is paired with a camp counselor,
who acts as both attorney and agent throughout their three week stay.
The camp is prominently positioned on a private island (once
owned by Musty Slipper lead singer, Crust) and next to Camp Paparazzi, a camp
specializing in media mastery through the capture of exploitable visual images.
The proximity of the two camps provides the opportunity for camp mixers and
joint activities. Such activities were briefly suspended earlier this summer
when an “actor” attacked a “press photographer” following an island-wide Mel
Gibson Film Festival. Assault charges were eventually dropped.
This camp is solid on content but short on delivery. A majority
of parents complain that their sons and daughters return brattier and more self-centered
than before they left. “It’s now: Lindsay would do this, Lindsay wouldn’t do
this, Lindsay’s mother let her drive the car when she was 12 so why can’t I? I
could really use another glass of Chardonnay,” remarked one mother of a
recently returned camper. “Next year it’s Camp Rockbottom for our little
princess!”
THE BEST
3. Camp Rockbottom:
located on the former site of a New
Hampshire granite quarry
Who can’t help humming along when listening to recordings of
Sam Cooke, Otis Redding, or The Pretenders sing the classic song, “Working On
The Chain Gang?”
Or how about The Clash?
“A' Breakin' rocks in the… Hot Sun
I Fought the Law and the… Law Won”
Camp Rockbottom provides much more structure and
team-building than some of the other camps we visited. At first glance, leg
manacles may seem a little severe. But after watching Group Road Repair Training,
you realize the benefits as total strangers are forced to bond together as a
close-knit team of contributors.
Rewards and punishments abound. “Good campers” are allowed
to ride horseback, faux shotgun in hand, while less enthusiastic campers are
forced to pulverize large rocks or pour steaming hot tar into highway potholes.
“Cool Hand Luke Day” is a favorite event during the four-week
sentence. Campers learn to cut the heads off of parking meters and participate
in a hard-boiled egg eating contest.
2. Camp Deliverance: actual location is unknown
The wafting sound of banjo music is a strong indication that
you are getting close to the camp’s drop-off point by the rapidly flowing river
and awaiting canoes. Campers journey into the dense wilderness, experiencing
forest life in all of its natural splendor. Classes include extensive training
in archery, whitewater rafting, wilderness survival and primitive dentistry.
This camp is extremely intense and would probably not be a
safe choice for younger children who are susceptible to horrific nightmares and
lack experience in wilderness regions.
One parent remarked, “After Johnny’s visit to Camp
Deliverance, we found him much more willing to engage in household chores. We
no longer have to beg him to clean his room, make his bed or empty the
dishwasher. His camp experience has provided him with new-found hope and
optimism towards his home and family life. We haven’t heard a single negative
word or complaint since his return.”
1. Kamp King Arthur: located deep in the woods of New Hampshire
The price for a three-week stay might seem a bit steep. But
figure in the horse, suit of armor, and medieval weapons rental fees, and the
price tag is really quite reasonable.
Along with lessons in fencing, jousting and hand-to-hand
combat, each camper joins a 4–6 person team of fellow “knights” and attempts to
build either a catapult or a slightly more complex trebuchet. Winning teams are
provided with the additional challenge of breaking through the castle walls and
laying siege to a small village of camp counselors dressed in authentic peasant
garb.
This is not a camp for children squeamish about eating with
their hands. The simulated Black Plague exercise may be slightly uncomfortable
for younger campers. Please also be aware that negative behavior is not
tolerated and may lead to extended stays within the camp’s dungeon. Please
notify the camp in advance if your child suffers from mead-related allergies.
