For members of the Wapatusset High School, Class of 2010, there was little surprise to commencement speaker, Coach ‘Stitches’ O’Williams’ forty minute, keynote rant – “Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life.” Former players, spectators and umpires have experienced on-field snippets of this speech during O’Flaherty’s 25-year run as Wapatusset Youth Baseball & Softball League (WYBSL) commissioner, and head baseball coach.
Several audience members, including this reporter, were shocked to see O’Williams surrounded by federal officers, handcuffed, and led away to a nearby fleet of idling government SUVs. This was, immediately before his chaotic diatribe had reached its full crescendo.
O’Williams had just stated a poignant question, extremely significant to his speech, “Choices in Life: Take One For the Team or Charge the Mound?” – when a federal officer (dressed as a weeping grandmother) sprang to his feet from the second row – and yelled, “Get the smarmy little kook!”
“O’Williams was our third choice for commencement speaker,” remarked Wapatusset school committee member, Dr. Grey Von Fleece. “Our first choice was Professor Flagon, of the Center for Chardonnay Studies. Unfortunately, Flagon has recently been fitted with a Lindsay Lohan, designer ankle bracelet, and must maintain a distance of no greater than 300 feet from his apartment,” added Von Fleece.
“We considered moving the ‘Summer Carnival of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers’ tent (where commencement ceremonies were held) closer to Flagon’s residence but with the upcoming performance by ‘Mechanically Separated Chicken,’ (a ‘Canned Canaries’ tribute band, who present an onstage, group impersonation of a ‘Flock of Seagulls’ concert), the logistics did not work in our favor,” stated Roberts Bobb, Summer Carnival (of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers) director.
“Our second choice was the legendary, Scrim Shaw, director of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL), but he is still missing and presumed dead,” added Von Fleece.
“We spent nearly one-third, of last month’s 16-hour, marathon school committee meeting discussing commencement speaker prospects.” “O’Williams has been an important part of the community over the past 30 years and should be credited with his contribution to the explosive growth of youth sports such as soccer and lacrosse,” stated Von Fleece.
Once law enforcement vehicles left the scene, Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower, provided a multi-denominational and non-higher-being-specific, closing prayer.
It was the dive-bombing, mosquito-control, aircraft that caused the stampede of commencement guests and participants – leaving nearly a dozen with minor injuries.
“With all the wet weather, this past spring, we have noticed a considerable increase in the local mosquito population,” stated Wapatusset Insect Control Agent, Gerta Klue.
“As any sixth grade science teacher will tell you, mosquitos are attracted to human CO2 emissions – and when we get a group of 100 or more together, it gives us the opportunity to scorch the little buggers – the mosquitoes, that is!”
“Despite the minor injuries and the shredded carnival tent, we see the recent event as having significant affect in the ongoing 'War on Bugs,' stated Klue.
Congratulations to the Wapatusset Class of 2010!
Free suitcases and bus tickets are still available. Contact your local Select-person.