Buttocks biter
K-9 police dog with predilection for biting human buttocks retired to Green Acres Greyote Garden in Mississippi for behavioral management and rehab.
Crabby old woman
A crabby old woman called the police to complain about loud teenagers, scams on QVC, illegal immigrants, and the price of her water bill. Woman advised to call Crazy Old Man or other Bored Selectman.
Four-legged lock-out
Two pet Greyotes locked themselves into family mini-van in supermarket parking lot by pressing the electric lock button. The owners of the vehicle and their children were unable to communicate with the pets, who had cranked up the radio and air conditioning. Since police are no longer allowed to break into cars due to Provision PD356, the greyhound-coyote hybrids were able to enjoy a 3-hour snacking spree, devouring raw hot dogs, Klondike Bars and 3 packages of frozen Hot Pockets while watching Reservoir Dogs on the portable DVD player.
Lead officer Liam O’Liam was not quick to call this an accident. “If these animals can operate a DVD player, I hardly think they’d have a problem with an electric door lock.” Residents are reminded to be extra vigilant during summer BBQ season, when Greyotes are said to be at their craftiest.
Eel blood
Several callers reported mysterious pool of blood on sidewalk in front of Dumpin Donuts. After a thorough investigation by a team of CSI officers from Wapatusset and neighboring towns, forensic evidence identified the substance as eel blood. Police were then able to track down a local fisherman and match the blood sample to a rancid eel in the bait bucket in the back of his truck. The elongated fish was then doused with formaldehyde and displayed in an interactive kiosk in the lobby of the police station. “This is the most exciting thing to happen around here since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Pat Cruller, assistant manager at Dumpin Donuts, before being interviewed by local media.
- reported by Agent SS