Tiny Mind Gazette

In the Summer of 1977, Dog-Boy Was Wapatusset’s Own Horse-Boy

As ‘Horse-Boy Fever’ is the talk of cyberspace, local residents can remember back to the mid-70s when the village was abuzz with ‘Dog-Boy Mania’. For a period of nearly 6 months images of Dog-Boy would intermittently flash on the TV screen – immediately following the national anthem and just prior to the test pattern screen.

Dog-Boy Image #37

Dog-Boy Image #59

Dog-Boy Image #83

Despite an intervention from a troupe of scientists from nearby MIT, the mystery of Dog-Boy was never solved. Perhaps ‘Dog-Boy’ and Horse-Boy’ will someday meet.



Until then, this is TV Talk signing-off!

wARTS to Exhibit Works of Obscure and Often Mysterious Artist

Wapatusset Arts (wARTS) has announced a special exhibit of three recently discovered paintings by Champdu Marcel, who at the end of his career, became a devout follower of both the Dada and Surrealist movements.

Champdu Marcel (file photo)

Marcel (1887-1968), spent much his life in Manhattan but summered in Wapatusset to avoid the city’s simmering heat (he once said that it used to make the back of his neck all dirty and gritty). During his annual New England pilgrimage, the artist would spend daylight hours on Rocky Beach, metal detector in hand, looking for discarded treasures, lost Masonic lodge rings, and spare change.

In the evenings, and until the wee hours of the morn, the artist would create hundreds of original pieces. Signed examples of his early work (Lighthouse, Rowboat, Dilapidated Fence and 3 Seagull, series [1949-1957]), still hang in the four deluxe water-view suites of Wapatusset’s Lobster Trap Inn ($79/night, in-season, includes Cable TV, a 16 oz. bottle of Wapatusset Reservoir Water, and continental breakfast buffet).

“We love his early work, the colors go perfectly with our quilted bed spreads and the beautifully rendered ocean scenes have made windows in our ‘water-view’ rooms virtually unnecessary,” stated hotel manager, C. Wiley Crepes.

“Something happened to his work in the early 60s, his subject matter became more obscure and mysterious. We acquired a couple of works from this, his ‘Scary Hobo’ period, but had to eventually get rid of them. They were just so darn weird – and were scaring away our clientele – especially the young ones.”

Former Marcel, summer landlady, Rose Thorne had this to say about Champdu: “Champy, as we used to call him, was always a joy to be around. He was always quick with a smile and he always carried a slightly obscure and mysterious joke, right on the tip of his tongue.”

Mr. Marcel rented a small room above the Thorne barn, which he converted into a summer studio and living space. “When he drove away in the summer of 1968, we fully expected to see him in the following June,” added Rose. “It was in the middle of November that we first heard about the hay-bailer accident and Champy’s untimely death.”

Recently, Ms. Thorne decided to put the family homestead on the market. As a first step in the home-selling process, Rose called “The Clutter Chick” to engage the company in the junk culling process.

“We found the three framed canvases on the third day of our purge,” remarked Clutter Chick, Millie McGrovan. “We had just stumbled on to a collection of macrame plant hangers and an upright salon hairdryer. There they were, right behind the stuffed Marlin and the Yellow Cab, passenger door!”


The Meatgrinder Incident (1967)

“I’m no art lover, myself,” stated McGrovan. “For me, a bare white wall is a happy wall! You can have your tchotchkes and knickknacks, I subscribe to the Ghandi movement – bed roll, spinning wheel and a glass of Chardonnay.”

The three surrealist masterpieces were eventually transported to the Wapatusset Recycling Center’s, ‘Take-It-Or-Leave-It’ kiosk.

The Tire Changer (1966)

It was last Saturday, when Dina Hannedy, assistant wARTS director, discovered the framed treasures while dropping off 250 lbs. of National Geographics.

“In college, I became a huge Champdu Marcel fan after receiving a free calendar from a local insurance agent. The ‘Twelve months of Marcel,’ featured work from his Big-Eyed Puppy period,” stated a proud Hannedy – as she stood next to the new installation at the wARTS Gallery.


Seven Fish Smoking (1967)

“I recognized Marcel’s signature, right away, [he used to shape the nouns in his name like little hearts) and I knew that these were the three missing paintings from his ‘Cigarette Butt Series.’ There was the mysterious bonfire on Rocky Beach in the summer of 1967, where these pieces were rumored to have been lost. Thankfully, Ms. Thorne’s, a clinician’s definition of a classic pack-rat, had buried them for safekeeping.”

The works will remain on display until Labor Day weekend.

Summer Solstice 2010: a special report

Wapatusset women let down their hair yesterday to “embrace their inner druid” and celebrate the longest day of the year in New Age splendor. Trading their J. Crew separates for gauze sarongs, they shopped for semi-precious stone jewelry, soy candles and anti-aging creams at booths surrounding Spritzing Rock Pond. The event, sponsored by the East Coast Yoga and Pilates Hall of Fame and the Chamber of Commerce, drew more than 300 attendees.

 


Local caterers donated a three-foot-high scale model of Stonehenge, made entirely of Vermont goat cheese. (The originally commissioned tofu Stonehenge was determined to be “gross” and voted down by the food committee.) Radish rosettes and asparagus spears tied into Gordion knots surrounded the mini monolith, creating spiritual vortexes that mysteriously attracted women (and a handful of men in sandals) to the sacred spot.

Rev. Pines (file photo)

The Rev. Torrie Pines from the X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church and Cellular Tower blessed the goat cheese masterpiece before allowing visitors to dip into it with artisan flatbread crackers. In his brief speech titled “Feeling Good About Yourself From Dawn til Dusk,” the Reverend challenged onlookers to make the most of the longest day of the year by focusing on their inner and outer beauty. “Today is all about you. Be the best that you can be. The stars are aligned. There’s nothing you can’t achieve!”

He went on to explain how a curious mix of circumstances—including electromagnetic waves from the new V-Mobile cellular tower in the church spire, plus astrological energy shifts and planetary alignments—had created a small-scale “power center,” similar to that of the great Harmonic Convergence of 1987. “California’s Mt. Shasta and Wapatusset’s Spritzing Rock Pond will now be smack-center on the map as the major centers of spiritual energy."

Police officer, Liam O' Liam enjoys festivities while on undercover detail.

Interactive features included a Lily Pulitzer skirt-burning station, a kaballah tattoo parlor, and free “lip plumping” trial treatments from the Wapatusset Wellness and Botox Center. Glenn Denver, proprieter of Sweatlodge Massage, gave out discount massage and foot detox coupons, plus free “Real Men Do Pilates” t-shirts. The Rev. Torrie Pines, who also works as a part-time motivational speaker, sold autographed copies of his best-selling audio book series, while the Chamber of Commerce handed out free "Sedona East!" bumper stickers.

 

The afternoon was full of happiness and self-esteem. However, the late afternoon heat and humidity caused the Stonehenge sculpture to droop and event organizers to run for extra St. John's Wort. A sudden rainstorm sent women running to their SUVs—just in time to make it to a summer fashion show and book talk at the air-conditioned local Institute of Chardonnay Studies.

-- reported by spiritual expert Agent SS

TMG | OMG :: Atmospheric Absurdity Defined

The Tiny Mind Gazette's more visually-centric column, hosted by professional photographer extraordinaire, Christopher Harting.

 

A bookcase, a closet does not make

 

Close Encounters of the striped kind

 

Discrimination

 

Geography Lesson

 

Girl in Australia holding up seawall

 

Grease be warned

 

This caught my eye

  Warm-th

Wapatusset Albatross: Water, water, everywhere, Nor any drop to drink.

Monday night’s Special Town Meeting attracted thousands of Wapatusset residents to discuss why new water pipes have not yet reached the JAVA JOLT® on Route 3B. Nearly 2,000 people flooded the High School gymnasium to show their support for the infrastructure project which is slated to increase each water’s users monthly bill by at least $750 – approximately $18.00 per shower, $9.00 for a sink filled with dirty dishes and $3.75 per toilet flush.

Mrs. Forty Love, a resident who admits to drinking at least three double chai lattes with extra foam per day, was outraged to hear that her beverages have been prepared with water going through 200-year-old pipes (the settlement’s first large-scale municipal project – and at the time, an extremely costly upgrade to the muddy trenches that were established by the original settlers – who were digging and simultaneously negotiating angered Indigenous People attacks).

“The minute I heard that,” said Mrs. Love, “I knew I had to do something, so I started a petition and had everyone sign it at my Full Steam Ahead!®, power-yoga class. And I didn’t stop there; I encouraged everyone at the Look of Leather®, spray-on tan salon to come to town meeting. I was so proud to look around the room tonight and see all those bronzed faces standing up for what they believe in.”



The old pipes have been a nagging issue at the JAVA JOLT since it opened about five years ago. The color of the coffee has prevented it from being a real issue. Until now the patrons never really noticed it was brown and the coffee seems to taste just fine.

One patron noted, “I was paying tuition for my six kids at the Free 2 Bee Mee® Montessori School, my husband had just lost his job as a State Lottery, Scratch Ticket Developer and we barely had two nickels to rub together. I used to meet the other moms at the ‘JJ’ after Gym-a-palooza® and just order a glass of tap water. I actually thought that the head barista, Josh,  had a crush on me because he would always hand me a cup filled with a brown liquid instead. Thinking  that Josh was sneaking me a special coffee drink, I never considered that I was actually drinking Wapatusset tap water! – Blecch!”

The Bored Selectmen, the town’s Adversarial Board and the town citizens (some armed with pitchforks and flaming torches) spent several hours debating the ongoing water problems – and some even questioned whether air regulation would perhaps, be next. However, when it went to vote, the attendees all agreed that the pipes must be replaced at any cost. The vote was unanimous.

There were a few tenuous moments during the proceedings, that another means of settling the situation, appeared necessary. Dr. Gray Von Fleece, publicly stated that he felt a water balloon fight on the town common, might be a constructive way for each side to resolve their differences. The idea was soon pushed aside when, a per water balloon cost of $2.75 was presented and both sides agreed that such a public event would be far too costly – pushing the swirling seaside hamlet – closer and closer to the proverbial drain.

As for air – for now, breathe as much as you would like – FREE of charge!

- reported by special political correspondent, Brew Net

Police BLOG: Buttocks Biter Banished, Bait Blood, Badgering (Old) Bat

 

Buttocks biter
K-9 police dog with predilection for biting human buttocks retired to Green Acres Greyote Garden in Mississippi for behavioral management and rehab.

Crabby old woman
A crabby old woman called the police to complain about loud teenagers, scams on QVC, illegal immigrants, and the price of her water bill. Woman advised to call Crazy Old Man or other Bored Selectman.

 

Four-legged lock-out
Two pet Greyotes locked themselves into family mini-van in supermarket parking lot by pressing the electric lock button. The owners of the vehicle and their children were unable to communicate with the pets, who had cranked up the radio and air conditioning. Since police are no longer allowed to break into cars due to Provision PD356, the greyhound-coyote hybrids were able to enjoy a 3-hour snacking spree, devouring raw hot dogs, Klondike Bars and 3 packages of frozen Hot Pockets while watching Reservoir Dogs on the portable DVD player.

 
O'Liam (file photo)

Lead officer Liam O’Liam was not quick to call this an accident. “If these animals can operate a DVD player, I hardly think they’d have a problem with an electric door lock.” Residents are reminded to be extra vigilant during summer BBQ season, when Greyotes are said to be at their craftiest.

Eel blood
Several callers reported mysterious pool of blood on sidewalk in front of Dumpin Donuts. After a thorough investigation by a team of CSI officers from Wapatusset and neighboring towns, forensic evidence identified the substance as eel blood. Police were then able to track down a local fisherman and match the blood sample to a rancid eel in the bait bucket in the back of his truck. The elongated fish was then doused with formaldehyde and displayed in an interactive kiosk in the lobby of the police station. “This is the most exciting thing to happen around here since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Pat Cruller, assistant manager at Dumpin Donuts, before being interviewed by local media.

 - reported by Agent SS

Multiple 'Scrim Shaw Sightings' Reported As Extensive Manhunt Continues

It has been over a month since we first reported the mysterious disappearance of Scrim Shaw, Tiny Mind Gazette contributor and director of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL). Optimism towards his safe return remains high as ‘Scrim Shaw Spottings’ continue to pour into local law enforcement officials.


O'Liam (file Photo)

The Wapatusset Police Department has assigned Liam O’Liam as special agent in charge of all Scrim Shaw disappearance and recovery efforts. “We are currently receiving 2 to 3 calls and emails on a daily basis,” reports O’Liam. “We thoroughly follow-up on every form of correspondence. Scrim was an extremely important member of our community and we eagerly await his return.”

O’Liam, was kind enough, to share several recently collected photographs and police composite sketches – in hopes that a Tiny Mind reader will recognize Scrim Shaw, and point the department to his current whereabouts.

Scrim strolling the beach in South Boston?

Scrim in faux Greyote coat? (Jackson Hole, Wyoming)

Scrim (right) playing Texas Hold'em Poker?
(Hal's Half Acre, retirement home and All-You-Can-Eat buffet. Remember to make your Father's Day reservations now!)

Police composite sketch of Scrim with intensified facial hair.

Police composite sketch of Scrim with intensified face and body hair.

Police composite sketch of Scrim with shortened hair and stature.

Scrim (who has always appreciated a good hat) hailing a Rome taxi cab?

A French Army, Secret Mime Division (Armée française, Division secrète de pantomime), officer?

If you should have any information concerning the mysterious disappearance of Scrim Shaw (currently missing and presumed dead –although the odds seem to be moving in his favor), please respond in the comment box below.

"Scrim Shaw, wherever you are, there are people here in Wapatusset who miss you and anxiously await your return," stated a concerned Liam O'Liam, lead investigator.
"Besides, you still owe me 50 bucks."

DRIVEWAY SEAL COATING: Where is the Public Outrage?

Seal Coating truck recently vandalized by activists.

The following article was submitted by nationally acclaimed folksinger and animal rights activist Joany Seng-Lowe. Joany was recently in Wapatusset to attend an emergency board meeting of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL) and to attend her brother’s bail hearing.

Joany Seng-Lowe (file photo)

Dear Tiny Mind Gazette:
You only need to drive a couple blocks in Wapatusset before stumbling upon a suburban residence with a cordoned off asphalt driveway – blackened to a sheen that can only be achieved by one method, and one method alone.

DRIVEWAY SEAL COATING!


Adorable baby seal escapes poachers.

I ask you, the general public, where is the outrage?
How many more seal lions have to die before this barbaric ritual is brought to an end?

Admittedly, I spend the majority of my life in either my minuscule Greenwich Village apartment or some seedy coffee house – darkened by the smoke of countless clove cigarettes, deep in the urban asphalt jungle –  to me, the suburban landscape is as foreign as the surface of the moon.

However, my well-honed artistic sensibilities to both right and wrong, have directed me to take up a new cause – to BAN SEAL COATING!

I urge you, as responsible citizens of the planet, to stand-up an let your voices be heard! Please join me in putting an end to this horrible atrocity – happening in your own driveway!


Gypsy Mouths (from upcoming album: Seng-Lowe: Suite Chariot)

Editor’s Note:
Joany and her band, ‘The Gypsy Mouths’ will be performing a FREE benefit concert this summer at the Speedwell Guild Lodge. Additional information will soon be released as soon as it becomes available. Seng-Lowe’s new album, ‘Suite Chariot’ is scheduled for a July release date.

Around the Pond: Feelgood, Flip-Flops, Flapjacks, Flags, and Finally, Flute-O-Phones

Kick-Start Your Summer
Starbucks will have extended hours during the second and third weeks of June to accommodate frazzled parents ferrying children to end-of-school year activities. Extra caffeine shots are half price. The Dr. Feelgood Special offers a blast of B vitamins, 4 shots of espresso, and a mystery ingredient sure to give you a brighter outlook on suburban life.

Mark Your Calendars!
The elementary school’s annual Freakin’ Flip-Flop Day (Monday) is sure to be a smashing success. Parents, remember to charge your video cameras and to wear flip flops and wacky mismatched clothing to watch your children compete in three-legged races and silly soccer drills ‘n’ skills.

Tuesday is Kickin’ Krocs Day and the Kumon Kompetition for grades 3-5. Kids should wear their Krocs (Crocs) and get ready to “kick some butt” in the Matholympics Marathon and Baseball Pitching Clinic contests.

Wednesday is the Bring-Your-Pets-to-School Day/Animal Shelter Bake Sale and Thursday is Teacher Appreciation/Ice-Cream Sundae/Poetry Slam Day. Friday is the pancake breakfast, followed by the Flag Day/Arbor Day Ceremony and Flute-O-Phone Concert.

Lawn parking is available for as many SUVs as humanly possible; carpooling is discouraged. On Saturday afternoon in the darkened auditorium there will be a special video showing of the entire week’s festivities for working mothers and deadbeat dads.

Wind-Down Week
The Chardonnay Center of Adult Education will host extended hours and life-coach sessions the last week of June for parents who already need a break. Babysitting, enrichment classes and tutoring services are available.

“Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life”: Despite sudden departure, speaker leaves nearly a dozen in stitches

For members of the Wapatusset High School, Class of 2010, there was little surprise to commencement speaker, Coach ‘Stitches’ O’Williams’ forty minute, keynote rant – “Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life.” Former players, spectators and umpires have experienced on-field snippets of this speech during O’Flaherty’s 25-year run as Wapatusset Youth Baseball & Softball League (WYBSL) commissioner, and head baseball coach.

Several audience members, including this reporter, were shocked to see O’Williams surrounded by federal officers, handcuffed, and led away to a nearby fleet of idling government SUVs. This was, immediately before his chaotic diatribe had reached its full crescendo.



O’Williams had just stated a poignant question, extremely significant to his speech, “Choices in Life: Take One For the Team or Charge the Mound?” – when a federal officer (dressed as a weeping grandmother) sprang to his feet from the second row – and yelled, “Get the smarmy little kook!”

“O’Williams was our third choice for commencement speaker,” remarked Wapatusset school committee member, Dr. Grey Von Fleece. “Our first choice was Professor Flagon, of the Center for Chardonnay Studies. Unfortunately, Flagon has recently been fitted with a Lindsay Lohan, designer ankle bracelet, and must maintain a distance of no greater than 300 feet from his apartment,” added Von Fleece.

“We considered moving the ‘Summer Carnival of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers’ tent (where commencement ceremonies were held) closer to Flagon’s residence but with the upcoming performance by ‘Mechanically Separated Chicken,’ (a ‘Canned Canaries’ tribute band, who present an onstage, group impersonation of a ‘Flock of Seagulls’ concert), the logistics did not work in our favor,” stated Roberts Bobb, Summer Carnival (of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers) director.

“Our second choice was the legendary, Scrim Shaw, director of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL), but he is still missing and presumed dead,” added Von Fleece.

“We spent nearly one-third, of last month’s 16-hour, marathon school committee meeting discussing commencement speaker prospects.” “O’Williams has been an important part of the community over the past 30 years and should be credited with his contribution to the explosive growth of youth sports such as soccer and lacrosse,” stated Von Fleece.

Once law enforcement vehicles left the scene, Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower, provided a multi-denominational and non-higher-being-specific, closing prayer.

It was the dive-bombing, mosquito-control, aircraft that caused the stampede of commencement guests and participants – leaving nearly a dozen with minor injuries.



“With all the wet weather, this past spring, we have noticed a considerable increase in the local mosquito population,” stated Wapatusset Insect Control Agent, Gerta Klue.

“As any sixth grade science teacher will tell you, mosquitos are attracted to human CO2 emissions – and when we get a group of 100 or more together, it gives us the opportunity to scorch the little buggers – the mosquitoes, that is!”

“Despite the minor injuries and the shredded carnival tent, we see the recent event as having significant affect in the ongoing 'War on Bugs,' stated Klue.

Congratulations to the Wapatusset Class of 2010! 

Free suitcases and bus tickets are still available. Contact your local Select-person.