An
erratic feature of the Gazette that will appear whenever the Great Seer has
revelations.
one this month! Someone
in your family is plotting to kill you! But don’t worry. This is just
your paranoia being played out by others. Eat bananas to stay calm.
Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—This is an excellent month to eat more fruit. We have a great deal for our readers. Please call Beau Doni Fruit Sales at 666-678-1000 for specials on fruit. Hurry—supplies are limited.
Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 19)—No, others do NOT hear the sound of the ocean crashing all day long. Get out and see more of the world. Sheesh.
AlsaceLorraine The Region (March 20)—This is definitely the time to make a job move. Ask for a desk closer to the boss. Hold off on using the copier as a personal x-ray until next month.
Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19)— Your in-laws suspect it was you who left the thing in the place. Either retrieve it or blame it on Ernest. Also: buy a blender; they’re great for making smoothies.
Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)—I see lots of fruit in your future. Probably tropical. You need more fiber to keep your temperament in check. How recently have people asked you to “Puh-leeze keep your s*** together???” See what I mean?
Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21)—This is a terrible month to attempt gardening, because Venus is in retrospect. Instead of growing it, stock up on fruit from outside sources.
Lexus The Luxuriant (Memorial Day Weekend)—Strangers will come to your door with bibles and messages from God. Invite them in and keep plenty of fruit on hand to serve them.
Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—With the moon’s ascendance, this becomes an excellent month for working, working out, and exercising. Build up a good appetite and eat all the major fruit food groups at least five times a day.
June Brides (The Zillas)— Jupiter is on a spiral axis with your socks, so wash them twice a day (after removing them). A great month for wearing your hair up in French Revolution style and for getting that “secret” tattoo bleached. Yes, you ARE cuter than Miley Cyrus, and that’s (mostly) a good thing.
Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—This will be a month of tough decisions and financial uncertainty. Set aside a small fund to keep an adequate but secret supply of an important food group. (Need we say more?)
Iglesias The Crooner (Toad Hop Day)–Indulge more in music during this period, and by indulge, we mean hum while eating apples, pears, and mangoes, preferably at different times. Though some will tell you otherwise, avoid seeds and the seeding of others this month.
Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22)—Use extra moisturizer the next few weeks, especially on your skin.
Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—The moon is in catharsis this month, so be wary of making any major decisions. If the first couple of days go poorly for you, just stay inside with your blinds drawn all month. Fill your tub with jello.
Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21)—Floss more this week. Speak kindly to those stupider than yourself. Dance as if no one was looking. Disregard my videocam.
Sagittarius
The Archer (November 22 to December 21)—I had something really important to
warn you about but I couldn’t remember by my deadline. Damn, my bad. Ha ha—what
can you do? Anyway, stay alert. Meanwhile, eat a quart of strawberries and two
pounds of bananas every day.