With Memorial Day around the corner, we’re sure you’re all busy switching around closets and desperate for fashion tips. Burning questions abound over when to don those bright whites, Nantucket reds and seersucker suits (where's Scrim Shaw when you need him?) Starting from the ground up, each week the forward-fashion editors at TMG will help you navigate the do’s and don’ts of the summer season in upper-tier suburbs across the country.
FEET FIRST
What do foot fetishists, metro men and Wapatusset women have in common? All understand the importance of classic fashion and impeccable grooming from the knee down. Come summer it’s time to clip, nip, buff, polish, shave and inspect before baring those toned calves and adorable toes to local society. And that’s between mandatory biweekly spa pedicures. (Tip for men: the new Ped Egg for Men now comes in XL and a masculine shade of black.)
TIPS FOR MEN
Shoes and socks
When bike riding, wear white ankle or no-show socks and sneakers. Fancy bike shoes are fine for racers or posers. Under no circumstances should one wear white socks with black loafer-style dress shoes. If running shoes have gone missing, buy new ones. Right away. Do not embarrass your wife and children.
This odd white-sock-with-black-shoe combo is an inverse of the classic English/German tourist look. Note that black socks worn with shorts and any shoe or sandal combo is for foreigners only. Or senior citizens.
Socks and sandals
Speaking of socks and sandals: Unless you're 70 or older, this is not acceptable. Birkenstocks with musty rag socks are the one exception, but only if you look the part.
Socks and flip flops
TAFKAP (The Artist Formerly Known as Prince) is the only person allowed to wear this combo. He invented it, and he’s a freak.
TIPS FOR WOMEN
Paging Dr. Scholl
Corns, calluses, bunions, bunionettes? Sorry, dear, it’s best to cover up. A cute pair of Keds should do the trick.
Hairy situations
Oscar winner Mo'Nique's mishap on the red carpet was a wakeup call to all. When cameras caught a sneak peak of her furry leg through the slit in her gold lame gown, her image plummeted from bodacious to Bigfoot in an LA minute. Don't let this happen to you!
If you want to go Earth Mother, you should probably move out of Wapatusset. Might we suggest Santa Cruz or Portland, Maine. If you choose to stay and hold your head high, just be sure to wear Earth Mother garb to match. That way people will know it’s intentional. Grow your armpit hair to match, get a Subaru, sport numerous toe rings. Just don’t try to dress it up. If forced to wear a bridesmaid gown or perky sundress and sandals, you must shave or buy a case of Nair. Period.
Never think you can hide hairy stubble with long skirts or pants. One never knows what will happen in summer. Impromptu wardrobe switches, freak thunderstorms, yacht club parties and innocent croquet games that lead to middle-aged skinny dipping... It's not always pretty.
Mind Your P's and QT's
It’s expected that you’ll achieve a certain level of bronzing by early to mid summer. This is Wapatusset, not Greenwich Village.
If you’re fair-skinned, consider a spray tan or tanning lotion. Just remember to spray the feet as well, to avoid the Lindsay Lohan look.
Watch the clip below clip to get in mood for summer fun, and remember to be safe in the sun!
Agent SS (CSI correspondent and fashion maven)