Tiny Mind Gazette

Fashion Police Blog: Foot Fetishes and Faux Pas

 

With Memorial Day around the corner, we’re sure you’re all busy switching around closets and desperate for fashion tips. Burning questions abound over when to don those bright whites, Nantucket reds and seersucker suits (where's Scrim Shaw when you need him?) Starting from the ground up, each week the forward-fashion editors at TMG will help you navigate the do’s and don’ts of the summer season in upper-tier suburbs across the country.

FEET FIRST
What do foot fetishists, metro men and Wapatusset women have in common? All understand the importance of classic fashion and impeccable grooming from the knee down. Come summer it’s time to clip, nip, buff, polish, shave and inspect before baring those toned calves and adorable toes to local society. And that’s between mandatory biweekly spa pedicures. (Tip for men: the new Ped Egg for Men now comes in XL and a masculine shade of black.)

TIPS FOR MEN


Shoes and socks
When bike riding, wear white ankle or no-show socks and sneakers. Fancy bike shoes are fine for racers or posers. Under no circumstances should one wear white socks with black loafer-style dress shoes. If running shoes have gone missing, buy new ones. Right away. Do not embarrass your wife and children.

This odd white-sock-with-black-shoe combo is an inverse of the classic English/German tourist look. Note that black socks worn with shorts and any shoe or sandal combo is for foreigners only. Or senior citizens.

Socks and sandals
Speaking of socks and sandals: Unless you're 70 or older, this is not acceptable. Birkenstocks with musty rag socks are the one exception, but only if you look the part.



Socks and flip flops
TAFKAP (The Artist Formerly Known as Prince) is the only person allowed to wear this combo. He invented it, and he’s a freak.

TIPS FOR WOMEN
Paging Dr. Scholl
Corns, calluses, bunions, bunionettes? Sorry, dear, it’s best to cover up. A cute pair of Keds should do the trick.

Hairy situations
Oscar winner Mo'Nique's mishap on the red carpet was a wakeup call to all. When cameras caught a sneak peak of her furry leg through the slit in her gold lame gown, her image plummeted from bodacious to Bigfoot in an LA minute. Don't let this happen to you!

If you want to go Earth Mother, you should probably move out of Wapatusset. Might we suggest Santa Cruz or Portland, Maine. If you choose to stay and hold your head high, just be sure to wear Earth Mother garb to match. That way people will know it’s intentional. Grow your armpit hair to match, get a Subaru, sport numerous toe rings. Just don’t try to dress it up. If forced to wear a bridesmaid gown or perky sundress and sandals, you must shave or buy a case of Nair. Period.

Never think you can hide hairy stubble with long skirts or pants. One never knows what will happen in summer. Impromptu wardrobe switches, freak thunderstorms, yacht club parties and innocent croquet games that lead to middle-aged skinny dipping... It's not always pretty.

Mind Your P's and QT's
It’s expected that you’ll achieve a certain level of bronzing by early to mid summer. This is Wapatusset, not Greenwich Village.

If you’re fair-skinned, consider a spray tan or tanning lotion. Just remember to spray the feet as well, to avoid the Lindsay Lohan look.

Watch the clip below clip to get in mood for summer fun, and remember to be safe in the sun!

 Agent SS (CSI correspondent and fashion maven)

 

HEADLINE News Bombshell: Secret Formula Stolen from Wapatusset Hair Salon

The Wapatusset Police’s Crime Scene Investigation Unit has been actively conducting intensive surveillance operations (ISO) and semi-covert and moderately clandestine investigative activities (SCMCIA), in and around local hair removal and management facilities.


Without the appropriate chemistry local salons will continue to remain empty.

The uptick in police activity is the result of a major burglary at the Salon Follicules Indomptées, (formerly ‘Hair, Hair The Gang’s All Hair’). Late Tuesday night, an individual (and perhaps an accomplice), entered the salon’s rear storage room by tunneling through the building’s foundation from the cordials aisle of the adjacent liquor store, The Village Whiner.

The cash register was left untouched, but a large three-ring binder and several bottles of chemicals have been reported missing.

The Tiny Mind Gazette, has learned that the binder contained the recipe for Formula 02025 and the dozen or so plastic bottles contained the only known premixed bottles of the super-secret solution – known locally as Blonde Ambition or The Blonde Side.

“Imagine if the Colonel’s secret recipe was missing or better yet, if some Commie Russians cracked the Big Mac code for the special sauce!,”stated cosmetologist-in-training and salon assistant manager, Chris Follicle. “I am sure that not even Hairdo-Guru, Paul Mitchell, had to deal with entanglement like this – even on his worst bad hair days."

For a town with a female blonde population that greatly exceeds any Scandinavian country’s per capita statistics– the heist of Wapatusset’s favorite hair dye is not only a severe blow to the local hair care industry but experts fear a severe disruption in the village’s collective positive self-esteem.


Lahmp in 'lighter mood' file photo

“Even in my dreams, I see myself as a blonde. I am not sure if I am capable of going through life as a brunette – or worse yet, a redhead! – OH (long pause) MY (long pause) GOD!,” stated a severely verklempt, Tiffany Lahmp, Reigning Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves and 2008 Miss Wapatusset Water Department, runner-up.

O'Liam says police department remains 'clueless'. file photo

Our own investigative news team was able to reach lead CSI detective, Liam O’Liam, who had this to say – “We need to get to the roots of the problem before someone else dyes.”

Pines, candlelight vigil expert & co-owner of Wapatusset Parrafin Supply Company file photo

An ecumenical candlelight vigil will be held at 7:30pm on Thursday evening at the Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower. The service will be lead by Reverend Torrie Pines, a recovering Toe Head, who has recently allowed himself to go gray.

Please stay tuned for late-breaking updates as we continue to comb for more details.

Your Horoscope By Beau Doni

An erratic feature of the Gazette that will appear whenever the Great Seer has revelations.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)—Oooooo, good 

one this month! Someone in your family is plotting to kill you! But don’t worry. This is just your paranoia being played out by others. Eat bananas to stay calm.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—This is an excellent month to eat more fruit. We have a great deal for our readers. Please call Beau Doni Fruit Sales at 666-678-1000 for specials on fruit. Hurry—supplies are limited.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 19)—No, others do NOT hear the sound of the ocean crashing all day long. Get out and see more of the world. Sheesh.

AlsaceLorraine The Region (March 20)—This is definitely the time to make a job move. Ask for a desk closer to the boss. Hold off on using the copier as a personal x-ray until next month.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19)— Your in-laws suspect it was you who left the thing in the place. Either retrieve it or blame it on Ernest. Also: buy a blender; they’re great for making smoothies.

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)—I see lots of fruit in your future. Probably tropical.  You need more fiber to keep your temperament in check. How recently have people asked you to “Puh-leeze keep your s*** together???” See what I mean?

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21)—This is a terrible month to attempt gardening, because Venus is in retrospect. Instead of growing it, stock up on fruit from outside sources.

Lexus The Luxuriant (Memorial Day Weekend)—Strangers will come to your door with bibles and messages from God. Invite them in and keep plenty of fruit on hand to serve them.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—With the moon’s ascendance, this becomes an excellent month for working, working out, and exercising. Build up a good appetite and eat all the major fruit food groups at least five times a day.

June Brides (The Zillas)— Jupiter is on a spiral axis with your socks, so wash them twice a day (after removing them). A great month for wearing your hair up in French Revolution style and for getting that “secret” tattoo bleached. Yes, you ARE cuter than Miley Cyrus, and that’s (mostly) a good thing.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—This will be a month of tough decisions and financial uncertainty. Set aside a small fund to keep an adequate but secret supply of an important food group. (Need we say more?)

Iglesias The Crooner (Toad Hop Day)–Indulge more in music during this period, and by indulge, we mean hum while eating apples, pears, and mangoes, preferably at different times. Though some will tell you otherwise, avoid seeds and the seeding of others this month.

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22)—Use extra moisturizer the next few weeks, especially on your skin.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—The moon is in catharsis this month, so be wary of making any major decisions. If the first couple of days go poorly for you, just stay inside with your blinds drawn all month. Fill your tub with jello.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21)—Floss more this week. Speak kindly to those stupider than yourself. Dance as if no one was looking. Disregard my videocam.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)—I had something really important to warn you about but I couldn’t remember by my deadline. Damn, my bad. Ha ha—what can you do? Anyway, stay alert. Meanwhile, eat a quart of strawberries and two pounds of bananas every day.

By Beau Doni, Great Seer, Smeller, Taster, Fruit Vendor Extraordinaire

Tiny Mind Gazette’s: 7 Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering

 

There are several indications that it is Fundraising season in Wapatusset. The former (and still practicing) high school prom planners have refreshed their blond rinses and have thrown out the first ‘Save the Date’ notices.

To those new to this season of bright and breeziness, we thought that it might be a good time to publish the Tiny Mind Gazette’s Seven Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering.

As a refresher, and to those who have recently entered the circle of high society (and low sobriety), this event usually precedes an event of high alcohol consumption and an under-abundance of hors d'oeuvres (what the French call ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ and ‘Bacon Stuffed with A Single Tiny Scallop’). Participants circle tables filled with ‘Objets d’ Art’ and ‘Dreamy Getaway Packages.’ Upon spotting a desired article or activity, they sign their name to a clipboarded list (usually with their opposite writing hand since they are trying to balance a vodka and tonic, shrimp puff, paper plate and cocktail napkin) and jot down an ever-escalating price point.

Upon the conclusion of the evening’s activites and prior to the parking lot fight that is guaranteed to break out between two heavily sauced Little League coaches – the clipboards are collected and the ‘winning’ parties flip open their checkbooks. This time they sign their name with their correct writing hand but in comparing the signatures, the first is a little less shaky, the ‘t’s’ are crossed and the ‘i’s’ are dotted.

The Seven Rules.



1. The Summer Cottage, Weekend Getaway.
Beware of the word ‘Quaint.’ English language scholars have found great disparity in the way that this word is individually interpreted. When considering a vacation home, it is better to look for terms like: Plumbing, Electricity, Rodent-free and Roof. Check the availability. ‘New Hampshire Lakefront with plenty of boating,” means NOTHING in the middle of March!

2. Autographed Sports Paraphernalia.
Although a legendary third baseman, Smelts Blankstrom never wore that shirt, never intended to wear that shirt and on the same day, he and his 4th grader signed 75 jerseys just like that. A ‘Dogs Playing Cards’ reproduction will have more long-term visual interest, hanging on the wall of your ‘Man Cave.’

3. If it is knitted, quilted or contains the word macrame – PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.

4. Sea Glass. Just say NO.
Sea Tarballs? Currently very popular, not a great long-term investment.

5. A Decorated Basket filled Homemade Jam, Colorful Dish Towels and a Tea Sampler.
Unless you plan to visit your grandmother who lives in the deep, dark forest – Let it Go! Besides, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is just going to steal the goodies and eat you with them.

6. Sporting Event Tickets.
Sure, you love the hometown team. They are winners and are going to ‘Go All The Way’ this year. Please, pay attention to the opponent. The Royals, Lions, Rams, Nets, and Orioles have moved into their owner’s basement and refuse to come out. These are tickets that NO ONE WANTS! Get it?

7. Learn to Walk the High Wire. Five Lessons with Renowned Former Circus Performer, Chuckles Fernby
Obviously, the V&T in your hand is not your first and probably should be your last! “Run like the wind, Bullseye!”

Best of luck out there. And remember, we tried to warn you!

From Mega-Mansion to Casino Royale?

Seems like there’s a new rumor swirling around Wapatusset each week about the $66 million compound up for grabs at the Cove. Last week we reported that a celebrity movie-star couple with six kids was eyeing the grounds to build an international orphanage and nanny training camp.

This week the buzz is all about gambling. Owners of a mega casino complex in New Jersey are said to be brewing plans for an exclusive seaside gambling and entertainment resort with action-packed gaming options, all-you-can-eat buffets, shopping and nightlife galore!

Reactions from residents have been mixed. “The old-money oil barons must be rolling in their graves,” said Midge Higgins, chair of the Hysterical Society. “This will give the nitwits and naysayers their just desserts,” said old timer Nod Clogsworth, though he declined to elaborate.

“This is exactly the kind of buzz this sleepy town needs,” said Cynthia Smith, real estate agent and newcomer. “Women in Wapatusset and surrounding communities need more full-service spa options. And many of the men who work in finance really miss the thrill of high-stakes trading. Financial regulation has got them down in the dumps, and this could be just the adrenaline boost they need!”

Meanwhile, another rumor has it that members of a long-forgotten Pilgrim tribe (see “Creepy Pilgrim Dudes") are plotting to lay claim to the land around the Cove. This is the same group that was trespassing at the Crook Estate (see “Pilgrims Gone Wild”).

They private group is planning a closed-door meeting at the Speedwell Guild lodge. Miles Broadbrush, current leader of the Speedwell Guild, is also a voting member of the Wapatusset Zoning Board, which could spell a conflict of interest. He was not available for comment.

Reported by Agent SS

Ask a Deli Meat Slicer: Evenhanded Advice from Stop&Chat Deli Manager, Karl Havarti

Dear Karl:
I just discovered my husband has been secretly TiVoing "Glee." Does this mean he's gay?
- Concerned Wapatusset Wife

Dear Concerned:
Like wow!
You confused me there for a minute. When you said GLEE, I thought you were referring to the cleaning spray we use to clean up the egg salad spills. Now I get it, you were referring to the TV Show.

No. Your husband is probably not gay, although he may be some sort of Metrosexual. Check between the seats of the Camry he and see if some guy-liner may have dropped out of his pocket. That is usually a clue.

Other than that, I am clueless.
- Karl

Dear Karl:
I live in Michigan and have never heard of a Greyote. I thought it was something people smoked in Arizona. Or Mexico. Do I need to lock my snack cupboards and garage door in Kalamazoo?
- OM Hubbard

OM (if that's your real name, as if!):
Kalamazoo, awesome! Those are those things that you hum through and it sounds like music, right? I made one for my thesis project in high school out of a pocket comb and a Kleenex. It was so awesome. What were we talking about? Oh, Greyotes. Duh!

Here is my rule of thumb, “Wild animal let it be, hide your snacks up in a tree. You will have it for another day, just beware of birds of prey.”
–Karl

Dear Karl:
Yesterday, I ordered a pound of sliced turkey – you may remember me, I was number 368. Anyway, you sliced it so thin that when I went to make my son’s sandwich for his school lunch – I was picking through turkey shreds rather than slices. How hard is it to cut deli meat assuming, of course, that meat slicing is most likely one of the top three bullet points in your job description?
- Perplexed

Dear Perplexed:
I sincerely apologize for my turkey slice thickness miscalculation. Usually, by the twelfth slice, I realize that – “Houston there may be a problem!” At least I messed up on your pound of luncheon meat and not the Hubble Telescope!

Here is what I would do – take the turkey shards, put them in a bowl, add a cup or two of MiracleWhip®, add a dash of salt and a sprinkle of pepper – stir – wicked fast. Va-la! Karl’s Turkey Salad Supremo!

Bone Appetite!
Karl

Celebrity Spotting: Movie-star couple eyes multi-million-dollar compound for multicultural orphanage and opium den

Undercover spy photos of mysterious movie star couple, provided by Wapatusset Queen of Realty 2010, Patty Prine

A famous movie-star couple (to remain nameless) is reportedly checking out the fresh-on-the-market $66 million property at Wapatusset Cove. A bedraggled looking man with peculiar beard and six children in tow was initially questioned by police, after a neighbor reported a “vagrant” outside the estate grounds.

The compound includes a 12-bedroom estate, plus a hotel, restaurant and underwater lair. If the sale goes through, the couple plans to hire local town architects to renovate existing buildings and update the New England look to "something a bit more postmodern." Plans would include an opium den, tattoo parlor and sword museum on the ground floor of the home, and a vegan restaurant on the Cove. The hotel would be converted into an international orphanage and nanny training camp.

Stay tuned for breaking news.

- Agent SS

Scrim Shaw, Local Hero Missing (& Presumed Dead)

LATE-BREAKING & ATTENTION GETTING NEWS TIDBIT!

Regular Tiny Mind Gazette contributor and director of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League) Scrim Shaw, has been reported missing and potentially a recent recruit within the ranks of the ‘un-living’.

Details to follow as they are developed.

Web of Evil, Ding! Dong! Greyote Calling!, Drunken Joyride

Evil Interweb
Elderly woman called to say she had received suspicious emails about Mexican pharmaceuticals and tooth whitening products over the “Interweb.” She suspected either the Mafia or Marsh Vegas drug lords might be involved. Dispatcher suggested she delete the emails. Woman asked if department had paper shredder.

Oddball
Caller reported man acting in a peculiar manner in Stop & Chat parking lot. Said he seemed “dazed and confused” and was stumbling, possibly intoxicated. Officer responded to scene. Upon checking driver’s license and learning the 53-year-old man was a Wapatusset resident, the officer apologized and said he was just “a bit of an oddball.”

 

What Happens in Vegas…
Man called to say he had lost his Rolex watch, diamond cufflinks and credit card in Las Vegas on a business trip. Dispatcher advised him to call Las Vegas police. Man replied that he was a Wapatusset taxpayer… and added, “besides, the Las Vegas police didn’t believe me.”

Land Shark?
Caller reported Greyote disguised as Avon lady going door to door in neighborhood. Dispatcher advised caller to keep cats indoors and snack foods sealed in Tupperware containers.

Lawn Party
Noise complaint. Middle-aged man out for evening joyride on lawnmower. Driver cited for speeding, open container (flask) in vehicle, and driving unlicensed machine on paved surface.

 

Reported by Anonymous Agent