Liam O'Liam, acting police chief (file photo)
Fashion Police
The Wapatusset police department has requested a special budget override in order to upgrade its uniforms and accessories. Police chief Liam O’Liam explained that recent events have revealed the need for the force to update both its equipment and its image. As his assistant Tony D’Anthony put it, “The light blue short-sleeved shirt is so 1992.”
Given the department’s new diet and fitness mandate (issued by O’Liam after the recent manhunt), several officers have had to tailor their uniforms or use safety pins to keep their pants up. “With more officers on bicycles and kayak patrols, we have different apparel needs,” explained the chief. “Wapatusset is a very fitness- and appearance-oriented community. Image matters.”
The department has requested two-tone reflective bike polo shirts and matching stretch zip-off bike pants; Pearl Izumi PRO Versa camouflage bike shorts with cushioned Coolmax padding; and XTerra Vendetta wet suits.
Puffy Pig, Al, Bill, and Steele (file montage photo)
Reno 9-1-1 vs. Remington Steele
D’Anthony explained that due to dramatic weight loss throughout the force, they have had to rummage through boxes of 30-year-old hand-me-downs to find shorts that fit. “It's like forcing Remington Steele to wear Bill Clinton's running shorts," complained Tony D. "Some of these are totally Reno 9-1-1."
"In terms of image, I'd say we're much more CSI. We could use some decent Dockers at the very least.”
CSI: Wapatusset
Liam O’Liam explained that in order for the force to “leverage its core competencies” it needed “best in breed” products that perform under pressure. The recent incident with the faulty belt buckle served as both an embarrassment and a wake-up call to the department. “If an officer ends up with his pants around his ankles, it can be a life-or-death situation,” said O’Liam. “This is no laughing matter.”
As for accessories, the force seeks to upgrade its Smith & Wesson handcuffs from the nickel finish to brushed steel. Stating that “the synthetic leather is just not cutting it,” it seeks to upgrade all belts to Brooks Brothers and holsters to Blackhawk Level II in a matte finish. Tony D. explained the need for multiple holsters per officer. “We’ve got a lot to carry, especially in summer—tasers, handguns, animal repellent, sunscreen, dog biscuits, handcuffs and Crystal Lite.”
Residents will have the opportunity to vote on this budget override on Saturday at the Wapatusset Town Hall.
- reported by Agent SS