Muddy, Muddy Sunday
Sunday, 11:00 AM – Man rescued from sinkhole in golf course after training for triathlon during Nor’easter. Claimed pond formed by floodwaters presented “serendipitous swimming opportunity” that he couldn’t pass up and that adjacent swamp sod created perfect training ground for “uphill mud sprinting” to strengthen calves. While mud-sprinting the man twisted his ankle and slipped into sinkhole below mudslide (created by mud-sprinting). Records show same man apprehended for shoplifting neoprene booties at Best Sport last fall.
Aquagenarian
Tuesday, 1:30 PM – Elderly woman stranded in 2002 Toyota Camry after attempting to drive through 3 feet of water covering Tiny Harbor causeway. Lois Blatts, 84, had made three attempts to “gun” the car through the flood, saying she’d heard about the special acceleration feature on the Today Show. Charged with several violations, including wreckless endangerment.
A Splash of Soylent Green
Wednesday, 3:15 PM – Three young housewives treated for dehydration after drinking St. Patty’s day “detox Cosmopolitans” at the Chardonnay Center following pilates class. The pureed algae, bok choy and pine needles were so pungent, claimed the women, that they could not taste the alcohol. Women requested Irish soda bread from Whole Paycheck to sober up, but were given hot cross buns from the day-old bin at Stop&Chat instead.
Dumpster Dog Days
Thursday, 7:45 PM – Several reports of dog-like animals (determined later to be Greyotes) rummaging through dumpsters and lurking by drive-through windows. Said to be “dry mouthed and haggard,” hunting for leftover egg and cheese breakfast sandwiches. One particularly desperate Greyote squeezed through a cat flap of a private home and wolfed down an entire plate of corned beef hash. Animal control officer said many of the animals causing trouble had come into town from the bordering “Irish Riviera” after a night of revelry in sports bar dumpsters. No Wapatusset animals were implicated. One out-of-towner is being questioned in connection with Thanksgiving turkey leftover heist.
- reported by AgentSS