Circus Breaks Out At Flea Party
Wednesday, 10:30 AM – Officer called to maintain order at Flea Party tax rally outside Town Hall. Supporters of “Crazy Old Guy” (who allegedly pulled papers to run for a vacant seat on either the Bored Selectmen or the School Committee) chanted confusing slogans about taxation, Cuba, school busses and nuclear energy while marching to a fife and drum band. Vehicle and pedestrian traffic blocked but re-routed.
Town Threatened by Twistee
Wednesday, 11:30 AM – Flea Party member tripped, fell into pothole and twisted ankle. Possible broken bone. Member threatened to sue town for poor road maintenance, then demanded ambulance service. Crazy Old Guy made makeshift cast with dirty handkerchief and his signature red suspenders. Public nurse came to help but was told “get your government hands off my ankle brace!”
Delirious Housewives on Detox Diet
Thursday, 3:00 PM – Woman fainted in Stop & Chat supermarket while sipping mango-kale-mung bean smoothie in "go cup." Officer called to assist. Store manager reported seven similar incidents this week. Women all reported being on new “detox smoothie” diet and were dehydrated from running to multiple specialty food markets on quest to find obscure ingredients in between “evacuations.” Driving high-speed from Whole Paycheck to the Hingham Loot Market to Stop & Chat to find organic agave and dandelion roots left the women weak and light headed. The Wapatusset health officer reminds women they should NOT drink their usual intake of Chardonnay while participating in this radical diet. Nor should they smoke the hemp and flax seed ingredients meant for smoothies. Investigators are questioning local yoga center for cult-like indoctrination techniques.
Fasting Lurkers With Fast Food Fetish
Thursday, 4:30 PM – Dentist office called to report suspicious activity in alley behind yoga studio. Mysterious individual “wearing hoodie and yoga pants” lurking in bushes, possible burglary plot. Officer arrived to find woman eating meatball sub in bushes. Woman’s friend located hiding in water boiler room of dentist office basement with bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
reported by Agent SS http://sallysisson.com