Tiny Mind Gazette

Weekend Update: Stirring Up Some Leftovers

 

leftover stuffing (TMG office refrigerator)

Sunday, Nov. 29 – Quiet weekend here at Tiny Mind Gazette offices. Lots of activity around town, but no one seems in charge. Local officials all enjoying extended naps.

Tiny Mind Gazette publisher reportedly had an accident with makeshift trebuchet while firing frozen turkeys at "running of the turkeys" event but is recovering. Staff trying to report on various happenings but unable to get straight answers regarding flying frozen turkeys, marsh fires caused by deep-fried frozen turkeys, assault and battery charges at canceled Turkey Trot road race, and persistent rumors about ghost hunters in the haunted Hardware Store.

Scrim Shaw, head of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League), keeps falling asleep in his chair after eating turkey-and-stuffing sandwiches. Meanwhile, there have been several complaints of greyotes brazenly breaking into homes and devouring Thanksgiving leftovers. "He even ate the Birds Eye creamed onions!" exclaimed one caller in disbelief. Scrim's main assistant, Glenn Denver, crashed the Tiny Town High School Class of '79 reunion on Friday night and has not been seen since. The Tiny Town animal control officer has had the weekend off. 

The Tiny Mind Gazette will get to the bottom of all this and more, once the tryptophan wears off and the Starbucks kicks in. In the meantime, residents are advised to not answer the door to hairy-looking strangers, to stay alert (especially if cooking turkey curry, a greyote favorite) and lock windows at night. Better yet, residents who still have Thanksgiving leftovers are advised to throw them out. Your family (and local greyotes) will thank you.

Police BLOG: Virgin Mary Sighted, Trotters Nearly Cited, Marsh Mellowed

Wed, 12:10p.m. Pine Street. Elderly woman called to report seeing image of Virgin Mary in driveway. Described as “white mirage, chalky looking.” Officer called to scene to find Channel 7 news truck and a crowd of onlookers. Officer determined white substance to be bird droppings.

Thurs, 9:30a.m. Pine Street. Officers called to control crowds of people “on pilgrimage” to see image of Virgin Mary in driveway. Homeowner says it is “no coincidence that this natural phenomenon occurred the day before Thanksgiving” and was serving pilgrims turkey sandwiches.

Thurs, 2:40p.m. Bow Boulevard. Man caught marsh on fire while attempting to deep-fry six frozen turkeys in makeshift device. Man explained that while transporting turkeys from indoor bathtub via pulley to outdoor cauldron made from sawed-off garbage can atop Weber grill, a minor rope snag caused domino-effect back-up of turkeys and ruined his operation. Witnesses say bubbling oil splattered into marsh (protected wetlands) when all frozen turkeys dropped into vat at once, sparking small flames. Man blamed – out-sourced, foreign cordage company for rope snag.

7:30p.m. Two relatives of Bow Boulevard man transported by ambulance to South Shore Hospital for treatment of salmonella from undercooked poultry, but soon released.

Thurs, 11:30p.m. Oak Ave. Woman calls to report son, home from college, has broken curfew. Describes son as having grown “long, shaggy hair” and says he is no longer willing to accept house rules.

Friday, 10:05 a.m. Highland Ave, assault and battery. Officer responded to scene. Annual Turkey Trot road race canceled due to rain, but several parents refused to let children sit out and held their own race instead. “No child of mine will be a quitter,” said one father. Two fathers argued over 6-year-old sons in race. Father of second-place winner accused father of first-place winner of “doctoring birth certificate.” In addition, two adults insisted on racing against the children, but were disqualified by officer on call.

reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com

The Tiny Mind Gazette wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Safe travels, relax, and save us some pie!

Moth Infestation May Dampen Seasonal Sweater Sales

 
by TMG Fashion Editor, Chaz Wilmfürke

As local fashion retailers brace for what has become to be know as “Black Friday,” an invasion of small winged creatures is threatening the sale of sweaters and other wool-centric knitted garments. This veering of shoppers, away from potentially wearable moth buffet tables, is credited with a significant up-tick in the sale of fleece and synthetically-based, fabric products. The “pajama pants for everyday dress” market remains strong and shows no signs of a holiday let-up.

Around the Pond

Spritzing Rock Pond | school bus loaded with holiday visitors & relatives

Refurbished Reindeer Suits for the Tingle Bell Walk?

Friday is the traditional Tingle Bell Walk, and every year we all look forward to seeing Santa and his adorable elves and reindeer friends in their tired and matted felt suits arrive by fishing boat. Although many townspeople are smitten with the peculiar costumes, some newcomers feel that a town of such high aesthetic standards should have a more polished presence at public events.

One newcomer described the costumed characters as resembling “something from the Island of the Misfit Toys” and an elderly bystander mistook the reindeer for a pack of rabid coyotes. “They have a crazy look in the eye,” he said with suspicion, rubbing his chin.

However, several townies resistant to the change maintain there’s “nothing wrong with a few moth holes.” The Community Sewing Club and the Other Sewing Club apparently are in disagreement as to refurbishing the costumes vs. creating new costumes. Each will be working up a proposal to pass by the Tiny Mind Design Review Board. In the meantime, let your voice be heard. Should the costumes stay or should they go?

Call to Crafty Artisans! Bedazzle those clam shells!

The Tiny Town Village Fair is right around the corner, so put on your thinking caps, get out those glue guns, and start planning some crafty ideas for ornaments, hostess gifts and keepsakes. Bedazzled clam shells, fruitcake paperweights, wine-cork reindeers, crocheted pet sweaters—you name it! The church is also accepting donations for its annual used book sale. Top requested items include: self-help books from the 1970s, audio cassettes and VHS tapes, and early John Grisham novels.

Holidays, Homecomings & High School Reunions

Thanksgiving in TinyTown means food, family and old friends! Three high school reunions will take place over the long weekend. While some alums can’t wait to reconnect, others are changing phone numbers, dodging emails and Facebook invites. Responses have ranged from “Those were the best years of my life!” to “How the #$% did you track me down?” See our full-length feature in this week’s Tiny Mind Gazette for details.

Your Friendly Reporter @ sallysisson.com

Holidays, Homecomings & High School Reunions

special report by Agent SS

Thanksgiving in TinyTown means food, family and old friends! Three high school reunions will take place over the long weekend. While some alums can’t wait to reconnect, others are changing phone numbers, dodging emails and Facebook invites. Responses have ranged from “Those were the best years of my life!” to “How the #$% did you track me down?”

Class of 2004
The 5-year reunion will take place on Wednesday night from 9pm til 2a.m. After pre-funking at the beach parking, alums will gather for a “techno rave” (as the young people call it) at the American Legion. The menu includes Red Bull - vodka punch, sushi and Miracle Whip crostinis.

Class of 1999
The 10-year reunion will take place on Saturday night from 8pm til midnight and various after-parties at private homes are being planned. Classmates have been sprucing themselves up for the big night, highlighting their hair, doctoring fake business cards, re-learning the Macarena, and squeezing in extra workouts into their schedules. The menu includes Cosmopolitans, micro-brewed beer, Bagel Bites wrapped in prosciutto, and Hot Pockets dipped in Ranch dressing. A 90s cover band will play “everything from Celine Dion and Maria Carey to Backstreet Boys and Pearl Jam.”

Class of 1979
The 30-year reunion will be held on Friday night from 6—10 p.m. so that attendees can be home in bed by 11. Smallgreen's on Route 3A reports a spike in sales of Rogaine, Just for Men, SlimFast shakes and Olay Regenerist anti-wrinkle serum. All are looking forward to showing off their middle-aged dance moves to Earth, Wind and Fire, Bad Company and the Ramones (although the DJ threatens to play nothing but Lynyrd Skynyrd).

Due to dwindling class dues, the class of  '79 has ordered food from the high school cafeteria. The buffet will include choice of Salisbury steak with gravy or Hamburger Helper stroganoff, tater tots or whipped potatoes, boiled carrot coins, and pudding with Cool Whip or Jimmy Carter bars for dessert. Beverages include Harvey Wallbangers, White Russians, wine coolers and a grab-bag of canned beer: Schaefer, Schlitz, Heffenreffer and Michelob Lite.

Stay tuned for party photos next week! Sign up for an email subscription to Tiny Mind Gazette or become a Facebook fan, and keep your finger on the pulse of small-town suburban life. 

In the meantime, here are some clips to get you in a reminiscing mood:

Schaefer Beer / Moog synthesizer commercial

Learn to Dance the Macarena

Will Smith / Gettin’ Jiggy With It

Vertigo U2 iPod Commerical

TMG Thanksgiving Side Dish 2009

Voting is now underway for the Tiny Mind Gazette, Thanksgiving Side Dish 2009 Award. Cast your vote now! Visit the virtual polling station on the front page: www.tinymindgazette.com

HOAX: Den of Abandoned Pet Collars Found to Be Elaborate Stunt by Overzealous Advertising Firm

Details developing. Greyote fears squelched. News crews pull out. Town quiet as ever. Almost too quiet.

Morning News Shows Embelish Growing Greyote Fears

 

On the set of the Dewey & Dan Show (file photo)

“Greyote-mania” was the main topic of conversation on all 3 cable access (channel 29), morning shows.

On “Dewey & Dan,” the cackling pair expressed their disappointment in the shortening of the “Turkey Run.” Reductions in law enforcement and safety officers (due to the ongoing “Collar-gate” investigation and the influx of mobile news crews) rendered the event impossible to complete. Within minutes of the blast from the starter’s cannon, a pick-up truck-borne trebuchet misfired – sending a frozen turkey careening off of the roof of a Channel 6, Action News Team truck and through the window of the Ted & Steve’s convenience store. No one was hurt but the lottery ticket dispenser was rendered useless after feeling the force of a 20 lb. Butterball. Lottery officials are currently working to bring the machine back online. There has been no interruption in scratch ticket sales.


“What’s Cook’n with Berty,” featured a lengthy discussion concerning the possible high school mascot change (Skippers to Greyotes). Despite a 60%-40% TMG poll victory, recent revelations concerning the possible malicious and violent behavior of the breed have caused a pause in the pro-Greyote movement. Berty remarked, “While ‘Skippers’ may be a goofy (and slightly wimpy) mascot concept, it is quite possible that the Greyote breed suffers from some sever anger management issues and bad eating habits.” Berty went on to remark that she did not feel that this would not be a positive image for the children of our town.


Speaking of kids, “The Capt’n and Mr. Briquet,” our town’s award-winning childrens’ morning show, did a comedic puppet sketch with “Mr. Turkey & Greyote Gus.” The bit concluded with a scene reminiscent of “Thelma & Louise” – where the pair drove off the road in their extended SUV into a sweet potato casserole, drizzled with melted marshmallows. The sketch also included subtle references to “Dead Man Walking,” another Susan Sarandon classic.

Crime Scene Investigators Uncover Obvious Link in “Collar-gate” Investigations

“Greyotes! That’s right, Greyotes!,” stated lead investigator, Liam O’Liam (pictured below). “With the evidence that we have uncovered, Greyotes appear to be the root cause of the problem.”

O’Liam is concerned that the media’s recent attention to the Greyote problem has not only heightened awareness, but has changed the behavior of the animals – forcing them to go after sources of food, other than drive-thru takeout bags and to-go containers.

“Only days ago, the Tiny Mind Gazette and other news outlets have asked people to pull their vehicles closer to the windows when engaged in a takeout transaction. This in itself has narrowed the Greyote’s channel for receiving life-sustaining nourishment,” added O’Liam.

As mobile news vehicles continue to roll into town, investigators have set up a 24x7 Command Center in the now vacant (and most likely haunted) hardware store. Despite rumors to the contrary – regarding a Limburger cheese test kitchen, a micro-brewery and a school for training blackjack dealers – the hardware store has yet to find a serious suitor.

Please stay tuned for more news, as we develop it.