Is an overzealous Animal Control campaign to blame?
They’re everywhere! They’re everywhere!
Sciurus carolinensis (the Eastern Gray Squirrel) has taken over Oak Street.
The winter breeding season and the recent southern migration due to a rumored frenzied Animal Control campaign in the northeastern U.S. has caused an exodus of herds of gray squirrels to southern locales.
In an attempt to keep spring plantings and porch plants safe, residents have exhausted all home remedies in combatting these pesky varmints.
The word on the street
“Squirrels supposedly hate red peppers, so I mixed up hot sauce and hot water in the squirt gun and sprayed every last one of them…all I got was ‘FU’ dug into my lawn where they had planted earlier caches of my stale holiday nuts,” said Agnes O’Day.
“I tried trapping and relocating them to a park twenty miles away,” said another Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps. “All they did was recruit more squirrels on the way back… I even tried marking them with spray paint to track them. Now I have two dozen pink tailed squirrels residing in the sweet gum out back,” states Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps.
“I tried being nice to them and throwing them peanuts for a few weeks,” said one resident,” but when the food ran out, they started stealing anything wood to chew on… wooden knobs, old holiday ornaments, and even sections of the back screen door.”
Tree trimmers go berzerk
Neighbors heeded the warning words of northern animal control experts and have attempted to reduce the food source of these pesky critters. The Gonzalez and Martinez families on the corner chopped down 50- year-old oaks and reduced eight-foot hedges to toothpick size.
Swarms of tree trimmers were seen yesterday swinging with chainsaws from the branches of the 100-foot sweet gum in Mohammed’s yard in the middle of the neighborhood. All others have followed suit.
As the last tree on Oak Street fell, squirrels could be seen holding their ears and slowly sneaking off to Elm Street.
With the last “Tim-ber”, a two-foot-wide nest of twigs, leaves and scrap cardboard rolled down the lane. One could glimpse one final message as the dwelling broke open: “Scrim Shaw for Global Animal Control.”
Reporting from the acorn-enriched and foliage-depleted wasteland –Dr. F.