Tiny Mind Gazette

Man in Leotard, Bacon, Brooms & Browning: PoliceBLOG

Dazed and Bedazzled
Feb 20, 10:20 p.m. - Distress call from Spritzing Rock Pond. Man injured while figure skating. Hit head on rock after attempting twirl, lesions on chest from impact of rhinestone studs bedazzled onto undergarment. “It’s Under Armour, not a leotard,” he told police. “And it’s figure skating, not ice dancing.” Man explained he was attempting twizzle toe loop into combination salchow camel spin. Name withheld upon request.

Bacon Bit
Feb 22, 2:40 p.m. - Police detail requested for Kevin Bacon look-alike autograph signing. While visiting Waputasset Playhouse to rehearse for upcoming production of “Footloose,” man was swarmed by group of desperate housewives. Local genealogist claiming to be both his love-child and his second cousin was escorted away in handcuffs.

Curling Details to be Ironed Out at Summit
Feb 24, 10:34 a.m. - Skirmish during women’s curling match between two Waputasset neighborhood teams: Clayton Place vs. Bott’s Landing. Team CP claimed Team BL should be disqualified for using a Swiffer rather than a regulation O’Cedar bristle broom. Police intervened. Second skirmish involving team pants (Lilly Pulitzer vs. Norwegian Olympic Curling Team knock-off design) erupted but will be settled at the Chardonnay Center/Recreation Department Summit in early March.

All the Wreaths are Brown (and the skies are gray)
Feb 25 – 3:35 p.m. - 2^nd complaint against home with browning wreath on door. Decoration code violation cited. Bylaws state Christmas greenery may be kept on homes and outbuildings (with the exception of port-a-potties) until Valentine’s Day or browning of greens, whichever comes first. Tasteful white lights may be illuminated until Feb 28; however, the deadline for removing colored lights was Jan 15. Violators will be fined in full.

reported by Agent SS sallysisson.com

Mens Club News: Zambonis, Gunfire, Chili & Taxidermy

The Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.) Mens Club, met Thursday night at their lodge, located in a semi-secret structure on Cliff Street.

Following the Pledge of Allegiance, and the singing the of ‘The Ballad of the Green Beret,’ – Sergeant at Arms, Melvin Cheevers, kicked off the meeting with a lecture and demonstration concerning the conversion of a standard push-type lawnmower into a personal Zamboni (iZamboni, as Mr. Cheevers refers to them) for use on backyard ice skating rinks – which have been springing up, all over town.

After a 90-minute, extremely detailed discussion (and PowerPoint presentation) – concerning lawnmower engine valve compression & displacement, ice-resurfacing principals, and a complete overview of the Zamboni product line (from the early 1940s onward) – the meeting adjourned to the parking lot for a live demonstration of Mr. Cheevers’ iZamboni, built from his former, 21”, Grass Enforcer® Walk Behind (with the 2.3.5 hp Briggs & Stratton engine option).

For some unknown reason, upon ignition, the iZamboni backfired several times with sharp, crisp, reverberations – that sent neighbors running to their nearest telephones and specifically, to the ‘9’ and ‘1’ buttons, incorporated within their V-Mobile® Telephone touch-pads.

Within minutes, the town’s entire squadron of (4) patrol cars arrived at the scene. Following a quick investigation and several eyewitness interviews, an earlier fear of youth gang activity was quickly dismissed. The half-dozen police officers, reluctantly re-holstered their weapons and quickly examined Mr. Cheevers – whose entire body, with the exception of his eyes, (which had been fortunately covered by his round welding goggles/safety glasses) – was covered with a black soot-like substances which had exited the iZamboni’s exhaust system – almost simultaneously with the rifle-like, backfire blasts.

A more comprehensive crime scene investigation, was then unfortunately interrupted by another incoming call – this from the Community Garden Club, meeting in the auxiliary conference room located in the creepy basement of the (occasionally haunted), Town Hall.

It seems as though, 85 year-old, Mrs. Mildred Stermstat, (a Golden-Jubilee member of the Garden Club) had been entrapped by a wandering vine that had entwined itself around both of her ankles – as she dozed during a presentation of “Geraniums: Beauty is Only Stem Deep.” While still engaged in a full-fledged nap, Mrs. Stermstat was released from the rapidly tangling vine by officer, Wendell Wilkes, a member of the Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile Communications, Inc.) auxiliary police force and former professional landscaper who happened to have a set of professional gasoline-powered hedge-trimmers in his nearby panel van.

Returning to the Mens Club’s Lodge:
Mr. Cheever’s ill-fated demonstration was followed by the group’s indulgence of large bowls of chili (with extra ‘con carne’ and beans), served with side dishes of hot peppers and beef jerky. Post-dinner activities included a speech by pro bowler, Earl Anthony-look-alike, Bob Lindowski who presented a multimedia (PowerPoint) presentation entitled, “Xtreme Big Ball Bowling: the Sport of Kingpins.”

Prior to the meeting’s adjournment, the February agenda was announced – including a 6-class, hands-on, taxidermy clinic. Although most of the necessary materials will be provided in the $35 course fee – members are encouraged to gather their own fresh roadkill – as the ‘main ingredient’ to a successful taxidermy project.

The Red Ly’n Inn has kindly offered to house the cadavers in their walk-in freezer, during the 4-week course.This was discussed and confirmed at the Red Ly’n, during a round (or two) of oat sodas, enjoyed by a majority of the club members – following Thursday’s meeting.

report by Bob Frapples, secretary

Creepy Dudes Dressed Like Pilgrims Living in the Woods.

Local nature photographer, Scrim Shaw (pictured to the left), currently on a leave of absence as director of GROL (Greyote Relief & Outreach League), discovered a band of 17th century Pilgrims living in abandoned World War II bomb shelters, nestled in the old military proving grounds, next to the former landfill, which was built on the site of the arsenic plant that was closed in the early 1900’s, following what has become to be known as – “The Unfortunate Accident”.

“When the Greyotes go into hibernation, there is little to do,” claimed Mr. Shaw.” I decided to spend the winter, following my dream as a nature photographer. Besides, I bought a brick of Kodachrome in the mid-1980s and thought that their expiration date was probably about to… you know, expire.”

Mr. Shaw, was apparently, about to photographically capture a frolicking squirrel, when he saw a large man wearing a hat containing a large metal buckle and matching buckle shoes – attempting to drag a late-model, 27” black & white Zenith through the underbrush.

“I saw him but he didn’t see me,” remarked Scrim. “I followed him through the woods until I reached what appeared to be an encampment of approximately, 14-18 individuals (men, women and children) – all dressed as if they had just stepped off The Mayflower.”

“Rather than confront the settlement, I left the scene and returned to The Red Ly’n Inn, just before the second-half kickoff. It wasn’t until the next morning that I pieced things together and realized that something just wasn’t quite right.” exclaimed Mr. Shaw.

Mr. Shaw reported the incident to the local authorities the following morning and led them to what he thought was his point of discovery. Unfortunately, the 8" of snow that had fallen the night before made the search more difficult.

CSI investigator, Liam O’Liam (pictured on the left) is currently developing a Powerpoint presentation based on Scrim’s testimony, for a special event – scheduled for Wednesday at Hal’s Half-Acre Senior Community – located on the site of the former large livestock burial grounds and small pet cemetery. Team bingo will follow O’Liam’s program.

More details to follow, as they become available.

Tiny Mind Profile: Scrim Shaw

Scrim Shaw, 1975

Name:
Morton "Scrim" Shaw

Occupation:
Director, Greyote Rescue & Outreach League

Best day of your life: 

April 30, 1975 when I returned from Canada.

Most fun thing I do:

I am a nature photography buff and often camouflage myself in order to “blend in.”
I also used to fly homemade aircraft with friends of John Denver.

Favorite Season:

I like Fall and baseball season.

Favorite Holiday: 

Groundhog’s Day, I was born and raised near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
Played left tackle for the high school football team – the “Chucks”

Favorite Junk Food: 

Slim Jims dunked in Cheez Whiz

Best Book or Magazine:
magazine: Popular Science (or Field & Stream)
book: Rivethead: Tales from the Assembly Line, Ben Hamper

Best Music:
Anything by Esquivel, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band or Loudon Wainwright

Pet Peeve:
People who DRIVE while: talking on the cell phone, shaving, eating, with a dog on their lap – or any multiple-element combination of these.

Smartest thing I do:
Go to be early (usually before 10:00 pm) and rise early (5:00 am)

Fun fact about yourself:
I am distant cousin to Pat Buttram, who used to play Mr. Haney on “Green Acres and Petticoat Junction”

Goal:
Solve the mystery of D.B. Cooper

Person you would most like to meet:
Andrew Jackson, Edgar Allan Poe or Wild Bill Hikok’s sidekick, Jingles

Biggest Worry:
Greyotes will be blamed for the evil deeds of the kids in town, who wear flat-brimmed baseball hats and flaunt their boxer shorts.

Best part of Cohasset:
The view in the rear view mirror of my Ford F-150. Just joking!

Spritzing Rock Pond on a Sunday afternoon when the hunchback (or whoever it is) is ringing the church bells at Saint Stephen’s Church.

“I had no idea that it was a wild animal!”

Local woman has close encounter with greyote, in her newly remodeled kitchen.

Community socialite and social media expert, Dina Johnson, was caught by surprise in her (newly remodeled) French Provincial kitchen by a Thanksgiving leftover-starved greyote.

Dina had turned her back on the turkey that she was “cubing” for her famous turkey casserole (the one that requires Velveeta cheese and frozen baby onions) to observe a crucial play in the Patriots-Saints football game, Monday night – when the event took place.

“I spent the Thanksgiving weekend in Vermont and on the second day, realized that I might have left my iron on,” said a disheveled Johnson. “In my haste to quickly escape the Green Mountain State, I left many of my personal items on the potbelly stove, next to Mr. Haney’s checkerboard.”

One of the more critical abandoned personal items was Dina’s pair of lavender (progressive) bifocal eyeglasses. The vision-challenged Johnson was left only with her wraparound, Jennifer Lopez-esque, heavily tinted sunglasses.

“My sunglasses offer the same correction as my everyday glasses, but they tend to make the room significantly darker. In fact, where under usual circumstances, I can see Bill Belichick from across the room but with these shades, I am forced to stand about 6 inches from the glowing TV screen – leaving me feeling extremely dizzy – and only halfway through the second quarter.”

A slightly vision-handicapped and disoriented Johnson, heard the kitchen door open behind her, but thought that it was just the family dog, Rusty.

It was at this moment that Dina realized the impossibility of this being factual, as she had also accidently left Rusty in the Maple Sugar State – curled up on the floor next to Mr. Douglas.

“I heard a loud snarfing sound and although the image was quite blurry, I could see a large coyote-like animal – devouring the 3 and a half cups of cubed Butterball,” said Johnson. “I screamed and grabbed my Swiffer – running towards the hungry beast.”

The final sequence of events went something like this:
Dina took a swing at the greyote* with her Swiffer, knocking a casserole dish of creamed squash on to the kitchen floor. The greyote leapt on to the counter, grabbed the emaciated turkey carcass in its teeth and made a run for towards the back door. While winding up for another swing, Dina lost her footing on the slippery squash – causing her to fall backwards and flat on to the tastefully tiled floor. Seeing a clear getaway, the greyote dropped the carcass, grabbed the newly opened brick of Velveeta, ran out the door, and disappeared into the nearby forest.

“Luckily, Dina was wearing her replica Tom Brady helmet when the whole ordeal took place,” stated CSI lead investigator Liam O’Liam (pictured on left). “Otherwise, she may have experienced some pretty hefty head trauma,” he added.

Dina is resting comfortably and anxiously awaiting a FedEx delivery – containing her personal items – including her (progressive) bifocal eyeglasses. Rusty will be returning from the Black & White Cow State soon, but for now is hanging with the Ziffel family and their pet pig, Arnold.

*As later determined by the TinyTown CSI Unit and other “local authorities”

Weekend: 30-Second Wrap-Up

Highlights from the week that was.

The Town Library
Guest Speaker, author,  Millian VanDorn will read from her new book, Horse: The Enchanting Story of a Unicorn That Lost His Horn. Millian is also the best-selling author of, I am Gnome, soon to become a major motion picture.

H1N1 Distress
A barefoot woman in tie-dye T-shirt crashed the H1N1 vaccine sign-up line at the Cohasset High School on Thursday morning. She was holding a sign that said “I need a miracle” and trying to barter brownies and bootleg tapes for a low number on the list.

Greyote-Mania!
Get your Greyote Crunchies! Local girl scouts will be selling homemade dog biscuits (called Greyote Crunchies!) to benefit the Greyote Rescue  & Outreach League (GROL). Look for their booth at the Village Fair on December 5, right next to the Limburger Cheese and clam chowder stand.

Now on the social docket: Greyote Gala (date TBD,  late winter 2010), a charity wine-tasting and auction event (not to be missed).

Musty Slippers
Local marching band, Musty Slippers to be featured in regional Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade to be held at South Shore Plaza on Thanksgiving Day.

Musty Slippers to headline "Greyote-pa-looza" during Spritzing Rock Brewing Company's "SummerFest on the Common." The band promises a Duran Duran tribute and is currently perfecting the rock ballad, Hungry Like a Wolf.

Minot’s Ledge Lighthouse
Hamilton&Burr Realtors to host weekend open house at Minot's Ledge Lighthouse. Free ferry service will be available, weather permitting.

Semi-Squelched lighthouse rumors:
Renowned Mad Scientist eyes Minot's Ledge Lighthouse for relocation of his evil lair.

Local realtors deny that Patriots' quartrback, Tom Brady posturing to purchase Minot's Ledge Lighthouse – although Gisele was reportedly spotted trying on capri pants in Ports and has been invited by a certain local socialite to headline a charity fashion luncheon for underprivileged models at the Red Lion Inn.

The Art Center
Art Center announces new exhibit: Dogs Playing Board Games. Wine & Kibble opening, slated for evening of December 1.

The Abandoned (and possibly haunted like Town Hall) Hardware Store
Local realtors deny that old hardware store to become Limburger Cheese test kitchen.

Spritzing Rock Brewery to open microbrewery/bistro (above possibly future Limburger Cheese Test Kitchen).

Town Common
Paving company has asphalt surplus and offers to cover town common. Board of Selectmen were drawn into emergency meeting on Thursday and have yet to be seen leaving town hall.

There are plans under way to build 3 gingerbread MacMansions on the town common (next to Spritzing Rock Pond) as a fundraiser for the town's new Multi-cultural Center and Pancake House. The full-size, candy-covered homes would be open to the public through Valentines' Day.

High School Sports
Thanksgiving Day high school football game will feature "throwback" uniforms. Plimouth Plantation has donated attire for both Pilgrim and Indigenous People teams.

Plans are underway to change the high school's mascot from "Skippers" to "Greyotes." The TMG, has been in touch with a mascot costume fabricator that has been contracted by a booster group, to build a 9'-high Greyote "suit." (Unfortunately, it will not be available until mid-2010). GROL has supplied photographs, fur samples, and other forms of reference material to assist in the suit's construction.

Town Pond
In case you missed it, Tiny Mind Gazette readers spoke! Town pond was secretly renamed “Spritzing Rock Pond.” There is no known association with the Spritzing Rock brewing Company.

Spritzing Pond development plan includes enclosed water-centric theme park and beer garden. Local realtors remain silent.

The Hypothetical Thought of the Day: A PARENTATHLON would consist of the following events… (you fill in the blanks)

Every year we watch buffed athletes run, bike, and swim through town – in their swelt-fitting unitards, drinking their fancy protein spritzers. What if there was a multi-stage sporting event designed for the average parent? What would the events consist of?

Send us your thoughts – by commenting to this post.

Police BLOG

A barefoot woman in tie-dye T-shirt crashed the H1N1 vaccine sign-up line at the Cohasset High School on Thursday morning. She was holding a sign that said “I need a miracle” and trying to barter brownies and bootleg tapes for a low number on the list. An officer was called to the scene and agreed to drop charges after being offered a brownie and two tickets to see the Dark Star Orchestra at the Music Circus.

Late Thursday night a resident called to report a suspicious looking coyote peering into this window. Reported a “strange look in his eye” and said he thought he was looking for something “other than Scooby Snacks.” Dispatcher noted this was same resident who called last week to report the meteor, UFO and swingset incidents.

A Cohasset man was apprehended for shoplifting at Best Sports on 3A. He was described as athletic looking and well dressed, wearing two-tone Pearl Izumi bike shorts. Was stuffing neoprene booties into his pocket and reaching for a pair of triflex tights when stopped by Groton, the shop keeper. Man confessed to having dipped into his son’s college fund in order to purchase a carbon pro platinum racing bike and now couldn’t afford the necessary accessories. Said he needed to train this fall and winter to get an edge over his neighbors in next spring’s triathlon. Officer dropped charges after the man agreed to enter counseling.

- reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com