Tiny Mind Gazette

Fleas, Fainting & Fried Food: It's the PoliceBLOG!

Circus Breaks Out At Flea Party
Wednesday, 10:30 AM – Officer called to maintain order at Flea Party tax rally outside Town Hall. Supporters of “Crazy Old Guy” (who allegedly pulled papers to run for a vacant seat on either the Bored Selectmen or the School Committee) chanted confusing slogans about taxation, Cuba, school busses and nuclear energy while marching to a fife and drum band. Vehicle and pedestrian traffic blocked but re-routed. 

Town Threatened by Twistee
Wednesday, 11:30 AM – Flea Party member tripped, fell into pothole and twisted ankle. Possible broken bone. Member threatened to sue town for poor road maintenance, then demanded ambulance service. Crazy Old Guy made makeshift cast with dirty handkerchief and his signature red suspenders. Public nurse came to help but was told “get your government hands off my ankle brace!”

Delirious Housewives on Detox Diet
Thursday, 3:00 PM – Woman fainted in Stop & Chat supermarket while sipping mango-kale-mung bean smoothie in "go cup." Officer called to assist. Store manager reported seven similar incidents this week. Women all reported being on new “detox smoothie” diet and were dehydrated from running to multiple specialty food markets on quest to find obscure ingredients in between “evacuations.” Driving high-speed from Whole Paycheck to the Hingham Loot Market to Stop & Chat to find organic agave and dandelion roots left the women weak and light headed. The Wapatusset health officer reminds women they should NOT drink their usual intake of Chardonnay while participating in this radical diet. Nor should they smoke the hemp and flax seed ingredients meant for smoothies. Investigators are questioning local yoga center for cult-like indoctrination techniques.

Fasting Lurkers With Fast Food Fetish
Thursday, 4:30 PM – Dentist office called to report suspicious activity in alley behind yoga studio. Mysterious individual “wearing hoodie and yoga pants” lurking in bushes, possible burglary plot. Officer arrived to find woman eating meatball sub in bushes. Woman’s friend located hiding in water boiler room of dentist office basement with bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

reported by Agent SS http://sallysisson.com

“Love is strange—wait ‘til you see my feet.”

I can’t take credit for this headline; it’s from my favorite source of personal ads—the London Review of Books. My husband subscribes for the book reviews, but I go straight to the personals in the back. Truth be told, he does too. Don’t read too much into this; it’s just that they’re a good laugh.

He actually bought me a book of them for Christmas. They Call Me Naughty Lola is a collection of personal ads from the London Review of Books. A bit on the inside flap refers to them as “surreal haikus of the heart.” Some are absurd or self-deprecating, others a bit pervy.

The titles are an art form on their own:

Last time I had this much fun, I was on forty tablets a day.

My favourite Ben & Jerry’s is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer.

Here are some sample ads:

They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill bearded physicist (M, 46).

Romance is dead. So is my mother, Man, 42, inherited wealth. Box no. 7642.

In a certain light I look like Robert Mitchum. In a certain light you look like Kim Novak. More usually I look like Shrek. More usually you still look like Kim Novak. Yes, you’re very unlucky. Now pass me the Doritos and get over it. Box no. 3917.

Hi, I’m an intelligent, attractive, cultured, recently divorced woman in her early forties looking for a man whose maxim in life isn’t ‘pull my finger’ or ‘smelt it, dealt it.’ Box no. 5022.

Mature gentleman (62), aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again. Box no. 4131.

I’m a Pisces—which makes you and me a bad match, but how about your good-looking friend? Non-commital, easily-distracted, fly-by-night F (35). Sorry, I think I just heard my phone ring. Box no. 2541.

I am the hunter and you are my quarry. 117-year-old male Viagra bootlegger finally in the mood for a bit of young totty. Which realistically could be any one of you with working hip joints and a minimum 20% lung capacity. Box no. 3112.

TMG Personal Ads Contest!
Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. Depending on your age, status and state of mind, this either fills you with the warm-and-fuzzies or utter dread. Kind of like New Year’s Eve. But following the TMG ethos, let’s make it fun. And ridiculous.

Announcing the first annual TMG Personal Ads Contest. Submit a personal ad—or two or three—from yourself, your alter ego, or a fictitious friend. We’ll have winners for categories like Most Pathetic, Most Appealing, Best Catch, Biggest Trainwreck… I don’t know, we’ll make it up as we go along.

Just write something and submit it in the Comments section below.
It’s easy!

For those of you who stumble over your words, here’s a nifty online tool to help. My Profile Writer can generate a clever headline and guide you through the writing process. Think Mad Libs for personal ads. Get to it! (Just keep it PG-13. This is TinyTown, after all.)

My Profile Writer
http://www.myprofilewriter.com/form_me.php

p.s. We'll be sharing personal ads throughout February on our Facebook fan page. If you haven't signed up yet, now's the time!

by Sally Sisson (Sally can be reached at: sallysisson.com)

F*-la-la-la-la

A TMG fan shared this heartwarming tale about the season of giving:

So I'm shopping for an ornament for the piano teacher, right? Of course I do this during the lesson. Driving down Route 53 I spy a charming Ye Olde Colonial Shoppe that yet endures among the strip malls, and am lured in by an inviting window display of twinkling lights and decorated trees.

Inside I walk through many cozy rooms with low ceilings and uneven, antique floor boards. Delights for the senses abound: music box carols, blown-glass, glittering hand-made ornaments, themed trees, clove potpourri, a scruffy and friendly Ye Olde Shoppe Dog. I get to the checkout, pleased with my finding, with minutes to spare.

Suddenly the scene, the mood, the senses upend. Earth Mother Proprietor Lady is in a strange altercation with a fierce Island Woman in a leopard print turban. F*bombs flying both ways, fingers pointing, exotic curses crackling in the air. I'm clutching my little gold piano ornament. I should leave, but I refuse to have a giftless piano teacher. More F*bombs. The clock is ticking. Turban lady storms out leaving a wake of threats. Please Hurry Earth Mother Proprietor Lady. My child is waiting. The piano teacher is thinking I'm a bad mother. Alas, now I must listen to the story of Earth Mother Proprietor Lady's unfulfilled life--she doesn't need this crap, she's a trained artist, she could be teaching sculpting classes at the university, people come in and treat her like this all the time. The rant is littered with more F*bombs (she's quoting the rude things her customers say to her now), shards of pottery and tales of entire stolen trees. She holds my change hostage as I plead that I must leave. Yes, yes, I sympathize, but the time!

I am 15 minutes late for pick up, the ornament is delivered at last, and now poor teacher must endure my tale. I think she would have rather done without the ornament and had me pick up my kid on time.

F*bomb ripples in the holiday pond. F*-la-la-la-la.

by Martha Hicks Leta

Special Holiday Joint Report: Tiny Town Police & Health Officer

Thurs, Dec 17, 6:45 p.m. Middle-aged woman suffered temporary amnesia while shopping in Smallgreen’s. After appearing to be in “trance-like state” in stationary position in aisle #4 for 20 minutes, store manager approached woman to ask if she needed help. Woman could not remember her name, address, or what she came to buy. No cell phone, could not find car keys in overstuffed handbag. Officers called to scene.

Shopping cart full with items including: Pet Snuggly, Slim Jims, 8 travel size rain ponchos, a Touch N Brush Hands Free Toothpaste dispenser, a paper shredder, a PedEgg Ultimate Foot File, 5 Reese’s peanut butter Christmas trees, 12 boxes of Mike and Ike candies, a Perfect Brownie Pan, micro-fiber wonder cloths, a DVD of Bonanza episodes, an under-bed shoe organizer, a jumbo pack of marshmallow Santas, a caller ID device, and a George Foreman micro-grill. When questioned why she had 17 bags of Ghiradelli chocolates squares, she replied “I’m not sure, but they were 2 for $5.”

Store manager brought woman to pharmacy area, where she reclined on a pet bed. After administering smelling salts and a concoction of Airborne tablets, Prozac, Gingko Biloba, St. John’s Wart and vitamin D dissolved in Diet Rock Star Cola, the woman came to her senses and was picked up by family members who refused to identify themselves.

John Dodo (left), Tiny Town public health commissioner, says this is a common occurrence around the holidays. All residents, especially women, should stay well hydrated (with alcohol-free, caffeine-free beverages) and carry a high-protein snack and I.D. cards in handbag while shopping. It is important to always have a list.

Be sensible about purchases and exercise restraint, says Mr. Dodo. Choose healthy snacks for children, like sunflower seeds over sugar-filled candy. By buying more and more items for overindulged children, we perpetuate a cycle of entitlement and disillusionment. “When I was a child we each got a tangerine and one walnut," he said. "And that was perfectly fine."

The best advice is to stop shopping. Enough already. It's a recession. And if you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, it's best to just not leave the house. 

Have a safe and healthy holiday.