Tiny Mind Gazette

Gifted Insect Entertains & Educates

The Grundel Hives

Retired Navy Seal, amateur videographer and now full-time beekeeper, Ed Grundell (pictured on left), has discovered a member of his hive with a very special gift. Alex, is a European honey bee that was born into his Wapatusset bee family nearly two weeks ago.

“I knew there was something special about Alex from the day that I saw him first take flight,” stated Mr. Grundell. “I have studied bees for many years and have paid strict attention to their natural flight patterns,” he added.  “Alex has always been different in that he is more independent and less eager to hang with the other bees. His erratic flying habits drew my attention almost immediately. Initially, I feared that he suffered from a wing disorder which was causing his quick turns and sporadic darting.”

It was not until Ed observed slow-motion videotape that he realized Alex’s natural ability to spell not only English words, but complete sentences. “I have a habit of videotaping all members of my hive for identification purposes and as a means to discourage bee rustlers. Think in terms of cattle ranchers and their need to brand their cattle. I have tried a similar method with bees, but the miniature branding iron is way to difficult to operate and nine times out of ten, has a detrimental effect on the tiny insect’s behavior and overall well-being,” Ed confessed. “Besides the branding process was causing me to go cross-eyed.”


Alex Grundell (file photo)

Alex’s spelling ability has rapidly increased during the past few days. Simple words such as ‘Dad’ and ‘Pollen’ have now turned into complete phrases such as ‘Do you remember when we met? That's the day I knew you were my pet. I want to tell you how much I love you’ – coincidently a stanza from the Honeydrippers 1984 hit, Sea of Love.

With a bee’s lifespan lasting between 28 and 35 days, Ed’s new mission is to expose as many people to Alex and his amazing gift. Please stop by the Wapatusset Middle School on Sunday to see this amazing spelling bee.

reported by Sandy Beaches, former tightrope walker and amateur entomologist

Mens Club News: Zambonis, Gunfire, Chili & Taxidermy

The Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.) Mens Club, met Thursday night at their lodge, located in a semi-secret structure on Cliff Street.

Following the Pledge of Allegiance, and the singing the of ‘The Ballad of the Green Beret,’ – Sergeant at Arms, Melvin Cheevers, kicked off the meeting with a lecture and demonstration concerning the conversion of a standard push-type lawnmower into a personal Zamboni (iZamboni, as Mr. Cheevers refers to them) for use on backyard ice skating rinks – which have been springing up, all over town.

After a 90-minute, extremely detailed discussion (and PowerPoint presentation) – concerning lawnmower engine valve compression & displacement, ice-resurfacing principals, and a complete overview of the Zamboni product line (from the early 1940s onward) – the meeting adjourned to the parking lot for a live demonstration of Mr. Cheevers’ iZamboni, built from his former, 21”, Grass Enforcer® Walk Behind (with the 2.3.5 hp Briggs & Stratton engine option).

For some unknown reason, upon ignition, the iZamboni backfired several times with sharp, crisp, reverberations – that sent neighbors running to their nearest telephones and specifically, to the ‘9’ and ‘1’ buttons, incorporated within their V-Mobile® Telephone touch-pads.

Within minutes, the town’s entire squadron of (4) patrol cars arrived at the scene. Following a quick investigation and several eyewitness interviews, an earlier fear of youth gang activity was quickly dismissed. The half-dozen police officers, reluctantly re-holstered their weapons and quickly examined Mr. Cheevers – whose entire body, with the exception of his eyes, (which had been fortunately covered by his round welding goggles/safety glasses) – was covered with a black soot-like substances which had exited the iZamboni’s exhaust system – almost simultaneously with the rifle-like, backfire blasts.

A more comprehensive crime scene investigation, was then unfortunately interrupted by another incoming call – this from the Community Garden Club, meeting in the auxiliary conference room located in the creepy basement of the (occasionally haunted), Town Hall.

It seems as though, 85 year-old, Mrs. Mildred Stermstat, (a Golden-Jubilee member of the Garden Club) had been entrapped by a wandering vine that had entwined itself around both of her ankles – as she dozed during a presentation of “Geraniums: Beauty is Only Stem Deep.” While still engaged in a full-fledged nap, Mrs. Stermstat was released from the rapidly tangling vine by officer, Wendell Wilkes, a member of the Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile Communications, Inc.) auxiliary police force and former professional landscaper who happened to have a set of professional gasoline-powered hedge-trimmers in his nearby panel van.

Returning to the Mens Club’s Lodge:
Mr. Cheever’s ill-fated demonstration was followed by the group’s indulgence of large bowls of chili (with extra ‘con carne’ and beans), served with side dishes of hot peppers and beef jerky. Post-dinner activities included a speech by pro bowler, Earl Anthony-look-alike, Bob Lindowski who presented a multimedia (PowerPoint) presentation entitled, “Xtreme Big Ball Bowling: the Sport of Kingpins.”

Prior to the meeting’s adjournment, the February agenda was announced – including a 6-class, hands-on, taxidermy clinic. Although most of the necessary materials will be provided in the $35 course fee – members are encouraged to gather their own fresh roadkill – as the ‘main ingredient’ to a successful taxidermy project.

The Red Ly’n Inn has kindly offered to house the cadavers in their walk-in freezer, during the 4-week course.This was discussed and confirmed at the Red Ly’n, during a round (or two) of oat sodas, enjoyed by a majority of the club members – following Thursday’s meeting.

report by Bob Frapples, secretary

Waputasset (formerly TinyTown) Annexed by Telecommunications Services Provider, V-Mobile.

Waputasset’s bored selectman were reportedly engaged in a 12-hour, “Call of Duty,” video game marathon, against bitter rivals, the Speedwell Guild* – when upstart telecommunications services provider, V-Mobile swept in and stole the “keys” to town hall.

Apparently, the V-Mobile Group Inc., frustrated over local cell tower regulations and the resulting spotty cell phone coverage, made a decision late last week to annex the Town of Waputasset, by toppling the local government.

“It was the steeples that they wanted,” insists TMG IT department head, Brant Grant (left). “The spires of the two town common churches offer perfect locations for well-concealed, as well as, aesthetically appealing cellular antennas.”

Additionally, under their current military rule, V-Mobile has forced the two other competing telecommunications service providers, to pack up there super-slick marketing tents and leave town.

 “We are very much relieved,” stated town citizen, Sohier Wentworth. “Having to choose between the new challenger, Verizon FiOS, and the once, only-game-in-town, Comcast was way too difficult and stressful. Thankfully, the choice has been made for us – we will all be signed up with the new V-Mobile, Luvix product.”**

More updates will be posted as additional information becomes available.

*Not to be confused with the Creepy Pilgrim dudes who live in the woods.
**Not to be confused with the anti-depressant medication with a similar name.

Easy-to-Follow, Cut & Paste, Holiday Letter

Happy Holidays from the (Your Name Here), 2009.

Mother Constance and I are doing well, and we’re so happy to report the children are blessed and growing, each in his or her own way.

Sister Feeka, now 9, who insists on being called “Princess Swirling Hair” during the holidays, has been rehearsing for the “Mary Alice Montgomery Elementary School Grand Pageant of the Feathers,” an annual ritual attended by the pageanteers, their parents, wards of local state prisons, and two hundred thousand starving birds who peck the popcorn out of the costumes.

Little Bimbo is now three, and has asked Santa for her own North Pole, so she can practice dancing and prancing, the little vixen.

Baby Bumpee is learning his ABCs and 123s (though he is still struggling with number 2 at all the wrong times). His favorite is a crowded elevator, but he’s making progress, bless his screwy little heart.

The triplets Harpo, Peebo, and Gumbo are hard at work on their annual talent show, featuring gymnastics, miniature bicycles and ramps, and a new secret act involving boiled root vegetables, a hammock, and a Gila Monster named Vanessa.

Brother Yupo is trying to grow hair under his arms “so my voice will change in time for the caroling competition.”

Shanana is making great progress on her website and gets calls from all across the country. Goodness, that child can talk a blue streak—heaven knows what she has in common with all those people at all hours of the night, but she is putting together a nice little bankroll. Ever since the “tour guide” from the “vacation outlet” stopped by, we have pretty much left her to her own devices.

Welkie is doing so well at college. He almost made dean’s list, except for the C- in hygiene, and two Ds in second semester Spanish. He was taking it twice this semester, with two different professors.  As you know from our letters, he’s been trying this with French, Portuguese, Texan, Irish, and Australian the past seventeen years, but you have to admire his determination. We just keep writing the tuition checks and he keeps sending notes of thanks and that’s all a parent could ask. He’s turning 35 this year, so we expect he’ll be coming up on graduation soon.

Hermie is now Haroku Numori, having moved to Japan and “converted.” He asks for all of you to visit anytime, but not to mention “Purr Hahbuh.”

Brammy is still in his goth phase, wearing black cloaks and knee-high boots, even in bed, and counting everything at the top of his lungs. “ONE! TWO! THREE! pancakes. ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! steps to the driveway…” And on–and-on.

Lastly, our high school senior Skubidoo has finished her dental work and will begin prepping for the upcoming swim team’s big season. With the oars, wings, flaps, rudders, and struts removed from her mouth, she figures to be a strong contender in the freestyle. Not to mention the hallways.

We visited Uncle Turlo just before the holiday and he showed us around the airport he’s been building in his Dorchester basement. “Getting the tower up was tough, but it all kinda fits. Next year, I’m building a jumbo jet, a really, really, jumbo jumbo jet,” he smiles. “This year Muriel and I are settling for the helicopter on the roof, but it kind of aggravates the neighbors” [they live in a three-decker].

We left him with a Costco-sized case of cranberry juice (he loves it in his weekly bath). Muriel was happy to see us, and thanked us for visiting the airport. “Better you than the FBI,” she said nervously. “Every time someone walks by, they stare, so I think we’re under surveillance.” We think they’ve done really nicely with their driveway, given all the cement and asphalt trucks, the cranes, and FAA vehicles that rumble through each hour.

Grandma Sam is still living with us, and she’s working on the crossword she hopes to send to the New York Times. We keep telling her the theme of ‘1930s cusswords’ probably isn’t going to be accepted, and then she tells us to go *%##%* ourselves. Whatever that means. (Last week, we had a little scare. That rascal Bumpy was loading some peanut butter into Grandma’s IV tube, but we caught him in time.)

Mother has been packing all week for Uncle Jeffie’s visit, but I keep telling her, “He’ll leave us when he’s ready. Now go put his things back in the guest room.”

We’ll be having the usual big feast with turkey and all the trimmings. This year Mother is determined “to turn the stove on, damn it!” because we all got sick last year after pretending for her sake “that it was cooked just fine.” Don’t ask.

Even our little dog TrentLott is in the holiday spirit, chewing off his leg hair in a candy cane pattern.

And I in my kerchief have just settled down to finish this long winter’s note.

Lastly, we give thanks to the almighty, the pretty mighty, the almost mighty, or the totally-distracted-ethereal-being who allowed that idiot Bush to become President twice, for all the blessings on this holiday season, our family, friends, and most of all, that guy who has mixed up his bank account number and paid our mortgage online the past three months.

Grandma adds: “Have a happy  sp%3*#$%&#  holiday! Or kiss my pl#&*%#@*#.”

With love, J.

J. DiCocco works for a local academic institution (of higher learning) and submits his rantings to the TMG, from time to time.

Tiny Mind Profile: Scrim Shaw

Scrim Shaw, 1975

Name:
Morton "Scrim" Shaw

Occupation:
Director, Greyote Rescue & Outreach League

Best day of your life: 

April 30, 1975 when I returned from Canada.

Most fun thing I do:

I am a nature photography buff and often camouflage myself in order to “blend in.”
I also used to fly homemade aircraft with friends of John Denver.

Favorite Season:

I like Fall and baseball season.

Favorite Holiday: 

Groundhog’s Day, I was born and raised near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
Played left tackle for the high school football team – the “Chucks”

Favorite Junk Food: 

Slim Jims dunked in Cheez Whiz

Best Book or Magazine:
magazine: Popular Science (or Field & Stream)
book: Rivethead: Tales from the Assembly Line, Ben Hamper

Best Music:
Anything by Esquivel, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band or Loudon Wainwright

Pet Peeve:
People who DRIVE while: talking on the cell phone, shaving, eating, with a dog on their lap – or any multiple-element combination of these.

Smartest thing I do:
Go to be early (usually before 10:00 pm) and rise early (5:00 am)

Fun fact about yourself:
I am distant cousin to Pat Buttram, who used to play Mr. Haney on “Green Acres and Petticoat Junction”

Goal:
Solve the mystery of D.B. Cooper

Person you would most like to meet:
Andrew Jackson, Edgar Allan Poe or Wild Bill Hikok’s sidekick, Jingles

Biggest Worry:
Greyotes will be blamed for the evil deeds of the kids in town, who wear flat-brimmed baseball hats and flaunt their boxer shorts.

Best part of Cohasset:
The view in the rear view mirror of my Ford F-150. Just joking!

Spritzing Rock Pond on a Sunday afternoon when the hunchback (or whoever it is) is ringing the church bells at Saint Stephen’s Church.

nudity, clumpy substance, strange animal, veal parm: It's the Police BLOG

Indecent-behavior complaint. Woman calls to report male neighbor vacuuming in the nude. Police explain that new town by-law applies only to nude leaf-blowing and not indoor vacuuming. Woman advised to put down telescope.

A 48-year-old Bow Street resident called police about a white, clumpy substance in his yard which he suspects is vandalism. Resident claims the substance was deliberately placed in a crop-circle formation surrounding the site of an earlier swing-set abduction. Officer thinks the white substance may be bird droppings. Resident has requested extra patrols. In the meantime, the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL) has offered two of its watch-dogs-in-training.

Suspicious activity. Caller reports she saw a person wearing “Goth” makeup and a Hull sweatshirt walking in the town parking lot.

A walk-in to the police station, who wished to remain anonymous, turned in a toolbox with dog biscuits, a macramé belt, massage oil and a pair of binoculars to police at 8:34 p.m. on Tuesday (Nov 10). He found the items stashed under a bench at Spritzing Rock Pond. Police have not received any calls about the missing items.

Beechwood St., animal complaint. Caller reports a strange looking animal “kind of like a cross between an emu and a wolverine” walking toward ballpark. Police have enlisted the help of a freelance sketch artist.

Older couple traveling north on Rte 3A accidentally took a right turn into the exit lane near the Livingston Taylor Methodone Plaza. A minor “fender bender” occurred but no one was hurt. They reportedly were looking for an Italian restaurant and were confused by a sign for the new Blackstone Cavern. “For God’s sake,” the man complained. “How far does a guy need to drive to find a decent veal parm under $8.95?” His wife was a bit shaken up, saying she thought they were going out for a Mexican meal or a pu pu platter.

reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greyote Attacks Increase: use caution at drive-thru windows

For the seventh time in two weeks, an unsuspecting drive-thru customer has had their food stolen by a hungry Greyote.

Saturday morning, Pollie Graham had just ordered a Seasonal Squash & Ginger (low-fat) Latte and Tofurkey Breakfast Burrito Combo, from the local Starbucks. During the food/credit card transfer – a hungry greyhound/coyote (Greyote) ripped the white food bag from the barista's grip, and ran into the surrounding protected wetlands to devour the “Combo #7”.

Other Greyote attacks have occurred at 8 of the 14, (Route 3A South) Dunk’n Donuts, located between the Hingham rotary and the Scituate town line. There have been no reported injuries but the number of food bags stolen has increased daily.

Greyote: What is it?
According to high school science teacher, Robert Frapples, a Greyote is a greyhound and coyote mix. “Since the 1996 Greyhound breakout at the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park, the Massachusetts Greyote population has been on a steady ascent,” remarked Mr. Frapples. “Evidently, there was a fairly large pack of Coyotes at the Rayhnam-Taunton facility, probably of the dumpster-diving variety, who were attracted to the leftover food substances, following each night of dog-racing,” he added. “Obviously, there was some feremonic-energy that brought the two groups together, spawning the first-generation Greyotes that are currently on the prowl.”

A Coyote on Caffeine?
Where Coyotes tend to be calculating and sly, a Greyote is fast (reaching speeds up to 40 mph) and neurotic. A Coyote tends to dine on rabbits, voles, mice and other small animals while a Greyote prefers food prepared for human consumption. Bob Frapples also commented, “We think that there is some associated between the white takeout bag, common at most drive-thru locations, and “Swifty”, the white, mechanized bunny that draws Greyhounds around the racetrack.” Scientists refer to this event as a Genetically-Induced Synaptic Flashback (GISF).

Greyote Rescue League: Fried Dough Testing
In independent testing, The Greyote Rescue League, a local animal rights organization, has found that a single serving of Fried Dough, will almost immediately attract, as many as 14 Greyotes. The research was conducted using Slow-Speed Video Technology (SSVT) and Fried Dough samples provided by Steve’s Fried Dough, a local supplier to the South Shore Arts Festival.

Please Use Caution.
The Tiny Mind Gazette will continue to provide updates on the Greyote Population Explosion. In the meantime, when picking up your drive-thru order – please park as close to the window as possible – without ripping off your rear view mirrors, of course.

Swine Flu Vaccinations Sold Out: children of lackluster parents at a disadvantage

reported by UndercoverCohasset392 sallysisson.com

At approximately 8:15 p.m. last night parents of students in grades 6-12 at the local public school received a recorded message from the principal, stating that a limited number of H1N1 vaccines would be available next week on a first come, first served basis. Parents were instructed to download a form, sign it and return it to the school nurse to receive a number indicating place in line or wait-list.

At 10:13 a.m. a Tiny Mind reporter, who also happens to be a parent at the school, submitted her form to the school nurse, only to find she was #242 on the list and that there were fewer than 200 vaccinations available. Said reporter had been “feeling pretty good about herself” that morning, having showered, brushed teeth, cared for sick child at home, done an hour or so of work, and “gotten her act together” to download form, fill it out and drive to the school.

Clearly that was not good enough. The school nurse reported that when she arrived at work at 6:45 a.m. there was already a line of parents waiting at the door. By 10:20 a.m. there were only a few stragglers in the parking lot. All reported feelings of inadequacy.

The school would not disclose names of people on the list, so Tiny Mind did its own investigating.

We found #36 at Starbucks. She said she finished her sunrise yogalates routine early to get a place in line. “Sure, I had to make some sacrifices,” she said. “But wouldn’t you wake up an hour earlier if you really cared about your child?”

In the village we spoke with #17 and #123. They were grateful to have a place on the list but sent their condolences to those who didn’t make the cut. “I feel for the children,” said 17. “I mean, it’s not their fault. I know one kid whose mother is addicted to prescription pills and rarely makes it to the bus stop. My other neighbor is addicted to Facebook and probably doesn't even have a clue about the list.”

“Oh, and that deadbeat dad down the street? I hear his child is #389,” remarked 123.

Apparently no one knows the identity of #1. But many talked glowingly about #5. “She is the uber-mom,” said 49. “I had no doubt she’d make the list. Her house is immaculate, she does six triathlons a year and her four kids get straight As.”

We talked to a dad in the post office who had to wait at the bus stop with his younger child before joining the vaccine waiting line. His middle-school child did not make the cut but he thought the system was fair nonetheless. “Thank God we don’t have socialized medicine,” he said. “In Canada they probably have to wait weeks or even months for the vaccine.”

Our preliminary analysis indicates that families with live-in nannies were most likely to make the list. Families with middle- or high-school age children, but no younger siblings, were the second most likely. Families with disorganized parents or sick children at home were the least likely to make the list.

 

Invisibines Wind Turbines: green energy from virtually nowhere

These promotional photographs (provided by the manufacturer) show-off the newly developed, clear, wind turbines– Invisibines.^® The unretouched images were taken on  a desert-based wind farm, containing over 50 of these unobtrusive, energy-generating marvels.

Each 100% transparent Invisibines^® Wind Turbine offers unobstructed views and can produce enough power (within 30 minutes) to power a commercial-grade leaf blower for up to six hours.

Shown here, a smaller model of the Invisibines^® Wind Turbine (IB-230) has been placed within 30 feet of the highway. As you can see from this photograph, the beautiful desert sky has not been violated by the 50 foot tower and 6 - 30 ft., rotating blades.