Scientists, ornithologists, busy-bodies and media hounds descended on the tiny town of Wapatusset last week to investigate the mysterious death of hundreds (or, as some have estimated, hundreds of thousands) of seagulls. A makeshift laboratory has been set up next to the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute to conduct toxicology and other tests on the birds. Outreach and fundraising efforts are already underway to support their efforts.
Reports that "Flock of Seagulls" will perform at a benefit concert have yet to be confirmed. Local real estate agent and masseuse Glenn Denver has offered "Black Katz" (his Eagles tribute band) as a fallback, and will sing a selection of Sting ballads.
As unfortunate as this is, it has provided a new sense of purpose for local volunteers like Scrim Shaw, former director of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League). And for the many underemployed and bored townspeople, it's finally something new to talk about.
“This is the most exciting thing to happen in Wapatusset since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Joe McSmith as he took a break from a vigorous walk with his metal detector. Indeed, many notable items have been found washed up on the beaches of Wapatusset, especially during storm season (see "Jimmy Choo washes up on beach.") As Joe says, "In this crazy town, you just never know what will happen next!"
- Rancid clam strips from greasy restaurant in “one of the neighboring towns”
- Collective McMansion Chem-Lawn residue from melt after recent Nor’easter
- Alcohol fumes from recent ladies’ New Year brunch at the Chardonnay Institute
- Electromagnetic disturbances from mass-scale Black Ops video gaming over winter break
- “Bad karma for stealing my sandwich last summer”
Stay tuned for news at it unfolds…
- by CSI, animal control, and current affairs correspondent Agent SS