“He was a cucumber with a vinegar addiction.”
“Do buffaloes eat chicken wings?”
Discovered an “app” that can make me fly. $4.99 for the full version. 500 ft. / 17 minutes.”
“Nothing embarrassed Mr. Ed more than finding that he had been speaking with hay between his teeth. Go ahead, look it up.”
“Jello Mold. The silent (but jiggly) killer.”
“After 180+ days in underground lab, have successfully invented Columbus Day decorations that can easily be converted into Halloween decorations and then turned into Thanksgiving tchotchkes. Orange and brown paint, constant variables.”
“Went to my polling place and the doors were locked. what’s the deal? did they go out of business? seemed really busy yesterday.”
On Voting Day:
“Once this morning. Once at lunch. Twice around 2:00 PM. Headed back for another ballot-casting around 4:30. Should be able to get in a couple more after that and before the polls close. I am exhausted.”
“GIANTS beat normal-sized team in WORLD SERIES.”
“Anyone know a Gevalia Kaffe? She just sent me an email. I think that we may have gone to barista school together.”
“Looking for tasty squirrel recipes for friend with tree nut allergies.”
“This book is a keeper. Stow it right next to your computer console. Or use it to hoist yourself up in your big boy desk chair.”
“You can’t spell ‘MENTALLY DRAINING’ without ‘RAINING’.”
“Thanks to everyone for your kind birthday wishes! I hereby commit myself to another year of: clean living, upholding positive American family values, and obeying the laws of physics. Oh, and no more driving while texting.”
“At what point in his life, did Peter Pan invent peanut butter?”
“Mold is a poor man’s Mildew.”
“Homemade auto fuel formula deemed unsuccessful. Switching back to gasoline.”
“Is now friends with Mary Todd Lincoln.”
“Wombat missing (again).”
“The Little Dust Mite That Could’: The triumphant story of an individual who despite heavy odds, never gave up their dream of becoming a pollen particle, only to be sucked up by a Shop Vac.”
“Tap Dancing. With your help, we can find a cure!”
“I may be suffering from ambrosia.”
“I will willingly befriend any outspoken and deeply religious person, running for public office and using Facebook as an arena for pontificating their personal beliefs. Not!”
“There was a brief moment, when the head of cabbage thought that perhaps the law firm of COLE SLAW did not have his best interests in mind.”
“He was born a sock but continued to dream as if a shoe.”
“Went to Amazing Kreskin’s family home for dinner.
Not one decent fork in the whole joint.”
“Cottages were once built out of cheese.”
“Dairy Diary or Milk Journal?”
“A good sandwich contains not one grain of sand.
- said some smart Chinese dude."
“I would rather wilt on the branch than be squeezed into cider," a disgruntled apple replied.”
“Vermont architects busily preparing challenging corn mazes for autumn season.”
“I hate the term ‘artsy’ and will be forming a coalition of forces to eliminate that particular formation of letters. Please join. Won’t you?
“WAFFLE: A pancake with ambition or outside the box thinker?
“Polkacide: death by accordion.”
“I am a man for otters (and weasels, on the rare occasion).”
“LOCAL HEADLINE: Quahog Stands Firm As Clam Before The Storm.”
“Toupee chin straps selling out as (Hurricane) Earl approaches.”
“Mildew must be stopped! And Now! – paid for by the Committee to Reduce Mold and Mildew Proliferation (CRMMP)”
“Perfecting toothpaste that tastefully cooperates with orange juice.”
“So when does DIRT become DUST?
Do DUST specks dream of becoming DIRT?
Where does MUD fit in?
GRAVEL must be pretty far up there?
Wherever THERE is.
“MARS. Planet or Candy Bar? You decide. Film at 11:00.”
“Can’t stand the sound of the soil slurping up all the rain. Geesh.”
“Air or Hair? You decide. Film at 11.”
“I keep trying Friend Finder. It keeps coming up empty. Should I be depressed. Or just still lonely.”
“Finally an optimistic economic forecast:
Helium sales up despite recent drop in Anvil futures.
– says ACME Financial Advisors Group LLC”
“ANCHOVIES. Shrewd business-fish or BAIT? You decide.”
“Tarmac. There. I said it.”
“You can’t spell ‘drink’ without ‘ink’
–from the book, "Silly Things That Printers Say" (now in paperback)”
“Shortening or Butter? You decide.”
“If people spent less time reading glasses they might spend more time reading books. – Sh*t Dan Quayle may have said.”
“Shorts without pockets: UNDERWEAR.”
“Busy summer. Finding it difficult to find the time, to finish putting together, the MONSTER in the basement.”
“Earthworms currently combing neighborhood. Selling magazine subscriptions and homemade cookies. Cookies look suspiciously like they are made from dirt.”
“Join the FREE RIP TORN movement!
I would, but I am trying to set a positive example for the younger generation.”
“Do birds TWITTER more than humans?
Latest independent study proves rampant uncertainty and probable doubt.”
“Politician in nosedive, head between knees: I support arch supports and am feeling mixed about supporting support hose but I really could still use your support anyway.”
“My multi-month wait for Curt Schilling to confirm our Facebook friendship is over. Curt, it is your loss.”
“Ketchup. The Kondiment of Kings.”