Tiny Mind Gazette

10 Tiny-Minded Tips for Hyper-Local Holiday Shopping

Smug online evangelists may challenge you to stay away from mega-malls and goods made in China this holiday season. At TMG we take it a step further and say: Why leave the house?? 

Clean out the closets, comb through the dust bunnies, and get creative with what you've got. Here are some nifty, thrifty gift ideas to get you in the right mindset: 

1. Bedazzle a pair of your wife's/daughter's jeans; giftwrap and hide under tree. 

2. Grow your own Giggle smoke.

3. Make your own snowglobe with your own dandruff sprinkled inside a recycled lightbulb.

4. Make your own bathtub gin.

5. Make turkey jerkey: Dry out leftover Thanksgiving turkey in your garage for 25 days. 

6. Grow your own hydroponic Zombie weed. 

7. Shoot squirrels in back yard; use fur to make fake Ugg boots.

8. Steal neighbor's lawn ornaments. Decorate and re-gift. 

9. Mix several different kinds of shampoo together in a recycled bottle. Create an alluring name on a hand-written label. 

10. Rather than the traditional orange-stuck-with-cloves, cut down your carbon footprint and  find local fruit (like an aged crabapple) and decorate with fragrant alternative (Pakalolo stems, old TicTacs...) -- and/or bedazzle for the perfect hostess gift. 

Got more ideas for hyper-local shopping? Leave in the Comments field below! 



 

Irish Riviera Pub Brawl Postpones Annual Columbus Day Parade

Three long-time, blue-blooded members of the prestigious Speedwell Guild were held overnight in a Wapatusset holding cell following a skirmish outside Mr. O’Fooley's Irish Riviera Pub in the village Sunday night. Details are still unclear, but according to witnesses there were heated arguments concerning Invisibines® wind turbines on a disputed Pilgrim settlement and "something about Narraganset Beer."

Chief Liam O’Liam was brought to the scene (actually, he was already at the scene, sitting on his unofficial bar stool) and called in back-up to bring the situation under control.

Two members of the Bored Selectmen also happened to be at the scene (in their unofficial booth), and sprang to action to attempt to mediate. The Selectwoman tried to break up the fight, beginning yet another one of her "In the words of Rodney King..." speeches, but was pummelled with pickled eggs. In the end they all agreed to blame the Water Department.

The following morning, Chief O'Liam agreed to release the Speedwell Three, as they're now being called, but this was after the Bored Selectmen had already agreed to postponed the Columbus Day Parade.

This has been an unfortunate year for parades in Wapatusset. After last spring's debacle (see "St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed Over Potato-Throwing Protest March" and continued controversy over the MLK Day Diversity Parade, the town has agreed to form a citizen's commission to plan upcoming public celebrations. All interested should respond in the Comments section below.

Wapatusset* 4th of July Parade: microMovie® by christopher harting

 

Wapatusset's annual 4th of July parade in under 2 minutes. Oh, and yes, you are seeing the fashionable footwear of renowned videographer, Christopher Harting.

*filmed in Plymouth MA, as a representation of the actual Wapatusset 4th of July Parade, which has sold it's naming rights to an undisclosed foreeign entity.

Easter HAMover? Surviving leftovers week, TMG style

Still nursing that Easter HAMover?

Sandpaper tongue? Sausage-like fingers? Strange dreams involving wheat grass juice and Gatorade? For those of you who woke up feeling dehydrated, bloated and a bit over-pickled Monday morning—and are still trying to detox—this one’s for you.

Easter comes but once a year so grab another piece of ham quiche and try some of these favorite TMG traditions. And please send us any tips and recipes of your own. 

Pucker Up!

Three tips for dealing with a classic HAMover:

1. Hair of the Hog: Don’t attempt to detox right away; get right back on the saddle and start off each day this week with a salty “Porky Mary” (preferably with Beefamato and Bacon Vodka), substituting a dill pickle for the celery. Keep up the salt intake with brined suet, Canadian back bacon, or sausage patty on the side.

2. Ham Smoothie: Crank up the Blendtec and let it rip. Ice, bacon fat and 4 cups of diced ham makes enough to fill up that Big Gulp! cup that has not yet made its way to the recycling center.

3. Frozen Ham Pack: Nothing feels better on an aching noggin than a couple pounds of pig meat. Chill overnight in your icebox’s crisper drawer–strap it on, and you’re good to go!

Go Whole Hog!

Three handy uses for leftover ham:

1. Hang strips of ham on rope in middle of garage. Properly placed dangling meat makes a great parking indicator–a greasy splat in the middle of the windshield does the trick! Additional science lesson benefit: see if it turns into ham jerky by June.

2. Use leaf mulcher to make deviled ham; serve on Ritz crackers or toast points at next cocktail party. Tastes great with Hamtinis, HAMstel Lights or Hamaritas (with a rim of extra salt). Leftover deviled ham? Stuff it inside plastic eggs; freeze and hide for the kids next year.

3. Lure wild animals into the confines of your own yard. Get your “Marlin Perkins” on by chucking that suet-enhanced hambone into the backyard, using that deep fishing rig that you either inherited from a dead uncle or “won” at a silent auction.

25 Best April Fool’s Day Pranks: For Home, Office and On the Road

At Home

1. Replace all of the oxygen in your house with helium.

2. Serve your Amish neighbor morning coffee laced with de-bearding agent.

3. Reprogram kids' cable box to only access only C-SPAN and the 700 Club.

4. Trap a sleeping squirrel in a Dunkin’ Munchkin box and secretly send it to school with your first grader.

5. Call-forward grumpy neighbor’s landline to funeral home reservations desk.

6. Blast noisy neighbor’s satellite dish with double-barrel shotgun; insist you were intercepting an alien invasion.

7. Empty soccer-mom neighbor’s bottle of Chardonnay; refill with Chablis from jug.

8. With empty gum wrappers, duct tape and a leftover piece of Halloween candy, convince gullible 16-year-old that he has won a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s Driving School; provide directions to barn of Amish neighbor.

9. Disguised as an electrician, reprogram annoying neighbor’s electronic doorbell with voice of Nancy Grace.

10. Disguised as a German mechanic, hot-vire neighbor’s expensive sports car and go for a joy- vride.

At Work

1. Disconnect all office mates' devices from wall outlets night before; cover outlets with Greenpeace stickers.

2. Arrive to work dressed in tux or evening gown; announce the start of formal Fridays instead of casual Fridays. Drink heavily throughout the day.

3. Tape cologne-scented magazine ads to bottom of annoying co-worker’s desk drawers.

4. Fill co-workers' trash cans with empty beer bottles and Texas Cheerleader magazines.

5. Hide Filet-o-Fish sandwich in co-worker’s desk drawer; see how long it takes to find it.

6. Put thumbtacks on boss’s chair, banana peel in doorway and TheraBreath breath monitor on desk.

7. Leave tray of Ex-Lax brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

8. Leave tray of hash brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

9. Cover your boss’s overpriced Japanese sports car with brick contact paper.

10. Park SMART car in adjacent cubicle; charge co-workers $1 for each ride up and down service elevator.

On the Road

1. Embark on cross-country mini-van trip with children’s mobile media center locked on either “Ishtar” or cable-access School Committee meetings.

2. Free penguins from local zoo and replace with inebriated office mates wearing tuxedoes.

3. Dress as giant sea gull, swoop down upon unsuspecting drive-thru customers–stealing their cinnamon bagel twists just as they are about to drive away, simultaneously dumping a gallon of white house paint on windshield.

4. Convince children that they are eating KFC when it is actually KFP while refusing to answer frantic phone calls from the zoo.

5. Disguised as Amish neighbor, drive horse and buggy to Apple Store and ask for demonstration of wood-burning iPad2.

10 Hangover Cures for St. Patrick's (Recovery) Day

Feeling a Little Green Today?
Try these TMG-tested pick-me-ups to get you back in the pink.

1. Hair of the Dog Irish Mimosa: Use beer glass instead of champagne flute. Fill half way with plum juice instead of orange juice and substitute one cup of green beer instead of champagne. Shave dog. Add three hairs. Strain through green tiara from night before. Sip.

2. Hangover Helper: Take a box of Uncle's Ben Converted Rice, bring water to boil. Empty out the rice. Cook the box until it is al dente. Sprinkle with celery salt—you, not the box. Serve with Alka-Seltzer. (TMG is going for awesome product placement fees this week).

3. Go to tanning salon. Ask for green filters on the hot lights. Set phasers to “stun.” Cook for 15 minutes.

4. Dunk head in pot of briny corned beef cooking water. Keep submerged for 8 seconds. Gently pat dry with towel.

5. Shove half a cabbage head under the armpit of your drinking arm. Rub the cabbage clockwise in the northern hemisphere and anticlockwise in the south. Stand on one foot.

6. Voodoo cure: Stick 13 black push pins in the cork of the bottle you drank from night before. Spear cans of beer. Cast spell on co-worker.

7. Take your mind off your aching head by retracing your steps from last night to find all your missing clothes and returning the clothes you're now wearing to their original owner(s).

8. The “What Will and Won't Work” Smoothie: (combine remedies from all the experts)

• Take hot shower; fill mug 1/4 full with hot water.
• Take cold shower; fill same mug to halfway point with cold water.
• Get out of shower, get dressed and pour a shot of coffee and a shot of pickle juice.
• Pour shots into shaker and jog to grocery store and get orange juice (with shaker in hand).
• Run back to house and add one shot of orange juice.
• Sleep four more hours.
• Wake up and drink smoothie (with shamrock garnish).

9.  Medieval miracle cure: Chew dried eel for 2 minutes but no not swallow. Make facial scrub with ground swallow’s beak, bitter almonds and salt pork. Do not bathe for 3 weeks.

10. Circle your calendar for March 17, 2011 and start training today!

- compiled by the friendly staff and unpaid interns at TMG

St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed over Potato-Throwing and Protest March

Police chief Liam O’Liam decided yesterday to postpone Wapatusset’s annual St. Patty’s Day Parade due to threats of protests from multiple groups.

Representatives from two local union chapters and a busload of college students from Citizens Against Ethnic Stereotypes arrived yesterday and set up camp on the town green to paint signs. The tone remained civil until Wapatusset’s notorious Crazy Old Guy pulled up in his jalopy and began throwing potatoes at the protestors. Bewildered protestors did not fire back, but police did want to take any chances.

“I just don’t want Wapatusset to turn into another Wisconsin,” said the chief.
“And for the last time, we are not perpetuating any stereotypes here. It’s all good fun.”

The police department’s Dunkin’ Donuts paddy wagon float had already been decorated and community volunteers were already halfway through the keg of green beer when the announcement was made.

The Tater Tot Queen Pageant has been postponed indefinitely as well; stay tuned for details.

- reported by crime and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS

10 Lifesaving Breakthroughs: Strategic Attic Storage of Holiday Heirlooms

1. ) Gather decorations picked up around the house since the last few holidays— like the fake owl you left in the window that was scaring the bejeepers out of the Avon Lady, the fake turkey you forgot in the front bushes (which now has a bullet hole in it from hunting season), and the third wise man who came up missing on January 5th.

2.) Grab Maglite®, ladder, hard hat with favorite NFL logo, and breathing mask to block inhalation of insulation dust (the Pink Panther didn't wear one in the commercials, but then again, he was a cartoon character).

3.) Position stepladder under ceiling attic portal, ascend, and pop the hatch and place hatch cover out of way to avoid boogie boarding down the center of the attic later.

4.) Go back down and review Wizard of Oz for flying-monkey swinging procedures to ensure easy movement through rafters.

5.) Check www.Home-Garage-Help.com for weight disbursement tips; e.g., do not store storing Santa's 4-litre sleigh engine upstairs.

6.) Get New Year’s disco ball and balance on head like an Eritrean villager, ascend ladder, place in accordance with crayoned load plan. Continue in same fashion with boxes of leftover Christmas ornaments found under couch, plastic urn of googly-eye Halloween lights, and blow-up MLK lawn statue.

7.) Bring down life-size log cabin appliqué for front of house, styrofoam Lincoln and Washington dolls, and dangly cupid tree ornaments.

8.) Close hatch to ensure birds that flew in through open louvers don't buzz-bomb you in the spring (wearing those little straw sombreros you had packed away for Cinco de Mayo).

9.) Put away ladder to avoid dancing with it at two in the morning en route to the bathroom.

10.) Sweep up plaster and tape deflated Mylar holiday-appropriate balloons over cracks, foot holes, and any boxes protruding through ceiling.

Dog Paddler's Diary: Post-Christmas Poinsettia Apathy Sweeps the Nation

 
Note: While the majority of citizens of Wapatusset and other fine communities across the country strictly observe self-imposed deadlines (not to mention fear of public shame) for the dismantling and removal of holiday decorations), there are always some that need a gentle reminder. For those with moldy Indian corn in their backporch planters and New Year’s poppers on the mantelpiece, this rant’s for you. – ed.

An American eyesore…

What seemed like a novel holiday gift for mom, grandma or Aunt Fanny has now become a social eyesore! Over the years, supermarket chains have made it the “must have floral extravaganza” to complete the Christmas season. They've oversaturated the nation with no regard for the horticultural nightmare left in the post-holiday tundra.

Are they even aware of the sickening wave of Post-Christmas Poinsettia Apathy (PCPA) that is sweeping the nation from Wapatusset (Massachusetts) to Skunk's Creek (Idaho)?

The leaves have fallen off over the last few weeks, leaving less than spectacular displays of wispy yellow branches, resembling little foil-wrapped buckets of discarded chickens’ feet.

One withering specimen might not be a bad flourish for the top rail of the back porch, but for those grannies with a plethora of well-wishers, the display of hundreds of leafless chickens’ feet might be a little overwhelming.

As Harvey Spindler, director of the Cotton Creek Home Owner's Association, remarked: “Chains competing to make available the largest poinsettias in the universe give no afterthought to the problems for the trashman and his dilemma as to whether to charge for lawn debris pickup or trash.”

…or a Vietnamese obsession?

My neighbor, Dr. Vo Thi Dung (pronounced Zung; better known as “Suzy”), the former Dean of Irregular Botany at the University of Westminster, is also concerned about this growing crisis. She said, “In Vietnam, on the island of Phu Quoc, poinsettias grow over ten feet tall and thrive in the warm climate throughout the year. They line the country roads much like the walls of ivy lining the roads of Wapatusset. Phu Quoc may be better known as the home of the best and most pungent fish sauce in Vietnam, but there isn't anything stinky about the lovely adornment of poinsettias.”

Recycle, renew, replant!

Friends, we have a civic duty! Follow the Vietnamese way! Pick up that poor plant off the front lawn! Give it a little water and haul it downstairs to a nice dark closet and let it recuperate from providing your Christmas joy. Let it stay on its little environmental sabbatical until the spring (see Gardening Know How for more tips)!

Embrace the Vietnamese love of poinsettias, so that we may enjoy the plant year-round (and grow ten foot walls of poinsettias throughout the nation)!

...and while you're at it, pick up that glimmering gold foil poinsettia wrapper that’s flapping against the hedges.

Dr. F

Ask Scrim Shaw: Nor'easter?

Dear Scrim:

How does one celebrate (a) Nor'easter?
Is there such a thing as a Nor'easter Bunny?
Is it against holiday protocol to make snow angels during (a) Nor'easter?
If there is a Nor'easter Bunny, how does he get around?
Snowplow pulled by eight tiny snowblowers?
What does the Nor'easter Bunny bring? Road salted eggs?
I tried to find a card, but the card store doesn't carry Nor'easter cards
(They carry everything else-hmmm the next great Hallmark concept–weather cards)
Not sure what a Nor'easter card would say… "Hop out and enjoy the snow"?

Signed,
Just thinking.

****************************************************************************************************

Dear Just:

In addition to an ingenious idea, you have contemplated a highly potential vein of cash-flow.

The Norwegian four fathers (Sven, Leif, Nordstrom and Gary), would be very proud of you for adding such blatant commercialism to their holiday. Or they may have just stabbed you with one of their big rusty swords.

As tradition would have it, on Nor’easter Eve, ostrich eggs are buried in the newly fallen snow. The first newly hatched ostrich who lifts his head above the white powder and is immediately gutted, cooked and eaten. The second hatchling is showered with lavish gifts and scented perfume.

The entire celebration lasts for 3 days and 3 nights (or until the yogurt runs out).

Up until this point there has been no card or gift exchange. You, my friend, have discovered a way to perhaps prop up the sagging Norwegian economy through the Nor’easter season!

Thanks again for your generous sharing of ingenious information for which you will receive a small mention within the fine print imbedded within the footer of page 53 of our legal documentation.

Okay, I am being totally sarcastic.
My apologies.
Scrim.

follow: Scrim Shaw on Twitter!