Tiny Mind Gazette

Man in Leotard, Bacon, Brooms & Browning: PoliceBLOG

Dazed and Bedazzled
Feb 20, 10:20 p.m. - Distress call from Spritzing Rock Pond. Man injured while figure skating. Hit head on rock after attempting twirl, lesions on chest from impact of rhinestone studs bedazzled onto undergarment. “It’s Under Armour, not a leotard,” he told police. “And it’s figure skating, not ice dancing.” Man explained he was attempting twizzle toe loop into combination salchow camel spin. Name withheld upon request.

Bacon Bit
Feb 22, 2:40 p.m. - Police detail requested for Kevin Bacon look-alike autograph signing. While visiting Waputasset Playhouse to rehearse for upcoming production of “Footloose,” man was swarmed by group of desperate housewives. Local genealogist claiming to be both his love-child and his second cousin was escorted away in handcuffs.

Curling Details to be Ironed Out at Summit
Feb 24, 10:34 a.m. - Skirmish during women’s curling match between two Waputasset neighborhood teams: Clayton Place vs. Bott’s Landing. Team CP claimed Team BL should be disqualified for using a Swiffer rather than a regulation O’Cedar bristle broom. Police intervened. Second skirmish involving team pants (Lilly Pulitzer vs. Norwegian Olympic Curling Team knock-off design) erupted but will be settled at the Chardonnay Center/Recreation Department Summit in early March.

All the Wreaths are Brown (and the skies are gray)
Feb 25 – 3:35 p.m. - 2^nd complaint against home with browning wreath on door. Decoration code violation cited. Bylaws state Christmas greenery may be kept on homes and outbuildings (with the exception of port-a-potties) until Valentine’s Day or browning of greens, whichever comes first. Tasteful white lights may be illuminated until Feb 28; however, the deadline for removing colored lights was Jan 15. Violators will be fined in full.

reported by Agent SS sallysisson.com

“Love is strange—wait ‘til you see my feet.”

I can’t take credit for this headline; it’s from my favorite source of personal ads—the London Review of Books. My husband subscribes for the book reviews, but I go straight to the personals in the back. Truth be told, he does too. Don’t read too much into this; it’s just that they’re a good laugh.

He actually bought me a book of them for Christmas. They Call Me Naughty Lola is a collection of personal ads from the London Review of Books. A bit on the inside flap refers to them as “surreal haikus of the heart.” Some are absurd or self-deprecating, others a bit pervy.

The titles are an art form on their own:

Last time I had this much fun, I was on forty tablets a day.

My favourite Ben & Jerry’s is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer.

Here are some sample ads:

They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill bearded physicist (M, 46).

Romance is dead. So is my mother, Man, 42, inherited wealth. Box no. 7642.

In a certain light I look like Robert Mitchum. In a certain light you look like Kim Novak. More usually I look like Shrek. More usually you still look like Kim Novak. Yes, you’re very unlucky. Now pass me the Doritos and get over it. Box no. 3917.

Hi, I’m an intelligent, attractive, cultured, recently divorced woman in her early forties looking for a man whose maxim in life isn’t ‘pull my finger’ or ‘smelt it, dealt it.’ Box no. 5022.

Mature gentleman (62), aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again. Box no. 4131.

I’m a Pisces—which makes you and me a bad match, but how about your good-looking friend? Non-commital, easily-distracted, fly-by-night F (35). Sorry, I think I just heard my phone ring. Box no. 2541.

I am the hunter and you are my quarry. 117-year-old male Viagra bootlegger finally in the mood for a bit of young totty. Which realistically could be any one of you with working hip joints and a minimum 20% lung capacity. Box no. 3112.

TMG Personal Ads Contest!
Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. Depending on your age, status and state of mind, this either fills you with the warm-and-fuzzies or utter dread. Kind of like New Year’s Eve. But following the TMG ethos, let’s make it fun. And ridiculous.

Announcing the first annual TMG Personal Ads Contest. Submit a personal ad—or two or three—from yourself, your alter ego, or a fictitious friend. We’ll have winners for categories like Most Pathetic, Most Appealing, Best Catch, Biggest Trainwreck… I don’t know, we’ll make it up as we go along.

Just write something and submit it in the Comments section below.
It’s easy!

For those of you who stumble over your words, here’s a nifty online tool to help. My Profile Writer can generate a clever headline and guide you through the writing process. Think Mad Libs for personal ads. Get to it! (Just keep it PG-13. This is TinyTown, after all.)

My Profile Writer
http://www.myprofilewriter.com/form_me.php

p.s. We'll be sharing personal ads throughout February on our Facebook fan page. If you haven't signed up yet, now's the time!

by Sally Sisson (Sally can be reached at: sallysisson.com)

Morning News Shows Embelish Growing Greyote Fears

 

On the set of the Dewey & Dan Show (file photo)

“Greyote-mania” was the main topic of conversation on all 3 cable access (channel 29), morning shows.

On “Dewey & Dan,” the cackling pair expressed their disappointment in the shortening of the “Turkey Run.” Reductions in law enforcement and safety officers (due to the ongoing “Collar-gate” investigation and the influx of mobile news crews) rendered the event impossible to complete. Within minutes of the blast from the starter’s cannon, a pick-up truck-borne trebuchet misfired – sending a frozen turkey careening off of the roof of a Channel 6, Action News Team truck and through the window of the Ted & Steve’s convenience store. No one was hurt but the lottery ticket dispenser was rendered useless after feeling the force of a 20 lb. Butterball. Lottery officials are currently working to bring the machine back online. There has been no interruption in scratch ticket sales.


“What’s Cook’n with Berty,” featured a lengthy discussion concerning the possible high school mascot change (Skippers to Greyotes). Despite a 60%-40% TMG poll victory, recent revelations concerning the possible malicious and violent behavior of the breed have caused a pause in the pro-Greyote movement. Berty remarked, “While ‘Skippers’ may be a goofy (and slightly wimpy) mascot concept, it is quite possible that the Greyote breed suffers from some sever anger management issues and bad eating habits.” Berty went on to remark that she did not feel that this would not be a positive image for the children of our town.


Speaking of kids, “The Capt’n and Mr. Briquet,” our town’s award-winning childrens’ morning show, did a comedic puppet sketch with “Mr. Turkey & Greyote Gus.” The bit concluded with a scene reminiscent of “Thelma & Louise” – where the pair drove off the road in their extended SUV into a sweet potato casserole, drizzled with melted marshmallows. The sketch also included subtle references to “Dead Man Walking,” another Susan Sarandon classic.

Town’s “Center for International Studies” to sponsor new Thanksgiving Tradition

When you you visit the Stop&Chat® grocery store’s, “You be the Employee,” automated checkout system or any of the Sobering Bank®, ATMs – you are given language choice of either English or Español. This should be proof enough that our town is undergoing a cultural revolution/invasion.

To honor our new Spanish-speaking brethren and bretherinas, the Center for International Studies will be sponsoring the town’s first “Running of the Turkeys” on Saturday, November 21 at noon, in front of the abandoned (and most likely haunted) former Hardware Store. Obviously, a holiday twist on Pamplona Spain’s “Running of the Bulls,” the event will be open to all citizens (including those holding  current Green Cards and Temporary Visas), ages 4 and up.
 
The town’s health department would like to remind everyone that although everything will be done to authenticate the event – live turkeys will not be used. Instead, frozen turkeys will be “shot” out of the beds of highway department vehicles, at various locations through out the village. For those with vegan tendencies, frozen TOFUrkey’s will be used in the areas surrounding the health food store.

As a final reminder, when traveling at speeds up to 30 mph, any form of frozen fowl can quickly become a dangerous object. The Department of Safety is urging all participants, including spectators, to wear proper protective headgear.

We look forward to seeing everyone on Saturday!

Tiny Mind Gazette: Headline Rumors | Afternoon Edition

• Musty Slippers to headline "Greyote-pa-looza" during Spritzing Rock Brewing Company's "SummerFest on the Common." Black Katz, Eagles tribute band, recently added to venue.

• Hamilton&Burr Realtors to host weekend open house at Minot's Ledge Lighthouse. Free ferry service will be available, weather permitting.

• Art Center announces new exhibit: Dogs Playing Board Games. Wine & Kibble opening, slated for evening of December 1.

• Spritzing Rock Brewery to open microbrewery/bistro above Limburger Cheese Test Kitchen in old hardware store location.

• Masseuse, new to town, seeks affordable housing 781-383-6601 If no one home, please leave massage.