Tiny Mind Gazette

Fleas, Fainting & Fried Food: It's the PoliceBLOG!

Circus Breaks Out At Flea Party
Wednesday, 10:30 AM – Officer called to maintain order at Flea Party tax rally outside Town Hall. Supporters of “Crazy Old Guy” (who allegedly pulled papers to run for a vacant seat on either the Bored Selectmen or the School Committee) chanted confusing slogans about taxation, Cuba, school busses and nuclear energy while marching to a fife and drum band. Vehicle and pedestrian traffic blocked but re-routed. 

Town Threatened by Twistee
Wednesday, 11:30 AM – Flea Party member tripped, fell into pothole and twisted ankle. Possible broken bone. Member threatened to sue town for poor road maintenance, then demanded ambulance service. Crazy Old Guy made makeshift cast with dirty handkerchief and his signature red suspenders. Public nurse came to help but was told “get your government hands off my ankle brace!”

Delirious Housewives on Detox Diet
Thursday, 3:00 PM – Woman fainted in Stop & Chat supermarket while sipping mango-kale-mung bean smoothie in "go cup." Officer called to assist. Store manager reported seven similar incidents this week. Women all reported being on new “detox smoothie” diet and were dehydrated from running to multiple specialty food markets on quest to find obscure ingredients in between “evacuations.” Driving high-speed from Whole Paycheck to the Hingham Loot Market to Stop & Chat to find organic agave and dandelion roots left the women weak and light headed. The Wapatusset health officer reminds women they should NOT drink their usual intake of Chardonnay while participating in this radical diet. Nor should they smoke the hemp and flax seed ingredients meant for smoothies. Investigators are questioning local yoga center for cult-like indoctrination techniques.

Fasting Lurkers With Fast Food Fetish
Thursday, 4:30 PM – Dentist office called to report suspicious activity in alley behind yoga studio. Mysterious individual “wearing hoodie and yoga pants” lurking in bushes, possible burglary plot. Officer arrived to find woman eating meatball sub in bushes. Woman’s friend located hiding in water boiler room of dentist office basement with bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

reported by Agent SS http://sallysisson.com

Mens Club News: Zambonis, Gunfire, Chili & Taxidermy

The Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.) Mens Club, met Thursday night at their lodge, located in a semi-secret structure on Cliff Street.

Following the Pledge of Allegiance, and the singing the of ‘The Ballad of the Green Beret,’ – Sergeant at Arms, Melvin Cheevers, kicked off the meeting with a lecture and demonstration concerning the conversion of a standard push-type lawnmower into a personal Zamboni (iZamboni, as Mr. Cheevers refers to them) for use on backyard ice skating rinks – which have been springing up, all over town.

After a 90-minute, extremely detailed discussion (and PowerPoint presentation) – concerning lawnmower engine valve compression & displacement, ice-resurfacing principals, and a complete overview of the Zamboni product line (from the early 1940s onward) – the meeting adjourned to the parking lot for a live demonstration of Mr. Cheevers’ iZamboni, built from his former, 21”, Grass Enforcer® Walk Behind (with the 2.3.5 hp Briggs & Stratton engine option).

For some unknown reason, upon ignition, the iZamboni backfired several times with sharp, crisp, reverberations – that sent neighbors running to their nearest telephones and specifically, to the ‘9’ and ‘1’ buttons, incorporated within their V-Mobile® Telephone touch-pads.

Within minutes, the town’s entire squadron of (4) patrol cars arrived at the scene. Following a quick investigation and several eyewitness interviews, an earlier fear of youth gang activity was quickly dismissed. The half-dozen police officers, reluctantly re-holstered their weapons and quickly examined Mr. Cheevers – whose entire body, with the exception of his eyes, (which had been fortunately covered by his round welding goggles/safety glasses) – was covered with a black soot-like substances which had exited the iZamboni’s exhaust system – almost simultaneously with the rifle-like, backfire blasts.

A more comprehensive crime scene investigation, was then unfortunately interrupted by another incoming call – this from the Community Garden Club, meeting in the auxiliary conference room located in the creepy basement of the (occasionally haunted), Town Hall.

It seems as though, 85 year-old, Mrs. Mildred Stermstat, (a Golden-Jubilee member of the Garden Club) had been entrapped by a wandering vine that had entwined itself around both of her ankles – as she dozed during a presentation of “Geraniums: Beauty is Only Stem Deep.” While still engaged in a full-fledged nap, Mrs. Stermstat was released from the rapidly tangling vine by officer, Wendell Wilkes, a member of the Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile Communications, Inc.) auxiliary police force and former professional landscaper who happened to have a set of professional gasoline-powered hedge-trimmers in his nearby panel van.

Returning to the Mens Club’s Lodge:
Mr. Cheever’s ill-fated demonstration was followed by the group’s indulgence of large bowls of chili (with extra ‘con carne’ and beans), served with side dishes of hot peppers and beef jerky. Post-dinner activities included a speech by pro bowler, Earl Anthony-look-alike, Bob Lindowski who presented a multimedia (PowerPoint) presentation entitled, “Xtreme Big Ball Bowling: the Sport of Kingpins.”

Prior to the meeting’s adjournment, the February agenda was announced – including a 6-class, hands-on, taxidermy clinic. Although most of the necessary materials will be provided in the $35 course fee – members are encouraged to gather their own fresh roadkill – as the ‘main ingredient’ to a successful taxidermy project.

The Red Ly’n Inn has kindly offered to house the cadavers in their walk-in freezer, during the 4-week course.This was discussed and confirmed at the Red Ly’n, during a round (or two) of oat sodas, enjoyed by a majority of the club members – following Thursday’s meeting.

report by Bob Frapples, secretary

A Seasonally Distressed Police BLOG

Flagrant Flamingo Violation

Sun, Jan 17, 2:48 pm – South Plain Street
Violation of Holiday Decoration by-law. Caller reported “flock of hot-pink flamingos” in neighbor's front lawn, interspersed with existing Christmas decorations. Design Review Board, noting the pink clashed with the traditional red Christmas balls, issued citation and asked them to be removed. Homeowner complied, explaining he’d been suffering from the recent Patriots’ loss as well as Seasonal-Affective Disorder.

Townie Bar Unseats Townie Wanna-Be

Sun, Jan 17, 8:32 pm – Plain Street
Argument at Ye Olde Towne Pub. Newcomer seated at designated Townie bar stool, drinking “designer beer.” Townie asked him to leave stool. Newcomer defended seating right, saying he’d lived in TinyTown for 12 years. Townie Bartender suggested booth instead. Newcomer "got defensive" and asked to see "written rules" about how to achieve "Townie status." Townie Policeman sided with Townie (his second-cousin) and suggested newcomer try the Gilded Lighthouse Lounge at the harbor instead.

Harried Housewife Held Hostage

Wed, Jan 20, 6:45 pm – Titanic Ave
Woman called from cell phone to report children had “taken her hostage” and locked her in closet. Special child-friendly SWAT unit dispatched. Spent 15 minutes dismantling alarm unit and then searched 7 walk-in closets before finding hostage in guest-room accessories closet. Distraught woman said husband had been on extended business trip, three of her children had strep throat, puppy was “out of control,” and none of them had left house for four days. Said she’d been “living on Annie’s Macaroni & Cheese and Chardonnay” and needed to “get out of this freakin’ tiny town.” Woman advised to "get a grip." All referred to family counseling.

reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com

 

Hackers Cyber-Attack TMG Photo Library

Liam O'Liam, TMG Photographic Database item: TMG999

The Devil, TMG Photographic Database item: TMG666

In last night’s, LATE EDITION of the Tiny Mind Gazette, in the story entitled, “Creepy Dudes Dressed Like Pilgrims Living in the Woods,” a photograph referenced as Liam O’Liam, lead CSI for the TinyTown police department, was replaced by a photograph of The Devil.

“This was an extremely unfortunate incident, and most likely the work of either a cyber-terror network or kids from the skatepark,” replied a distraught Liam O’Liam, who is leading the investigation.

O’Liam’s wife, a tearful Lianne O’Liam (far left), cannot figure out why anyone would wish to harm her husband. “He is a great father and husband and does not deserve such negative and outright harassment.”

TMG IT SVP., Brant Grant (above, right), is also leading an internal investigation. “The imagery in our photographic database is controlled by a sophisticated system of coding. For example, Liam O’Liam’s photograph is referenced by the code, TMG999, while the Devil’s portrait is TMG666. Besides a well-orchestrated, cyber-terror attack – there is a slight possibility that the unpaid, TinyTown Online Community College (TTOCC) intern in our layout department, juxtaposed some of the coding. However, I feel like this is a far-fetched thought and beyond the realms of an emotionally detached, logical perspective.”

 Friends and neighbors of the O’Liams have been kindly dropping by with brownies  and Bundt cakes hoping to offer comfort to the distraught family. Community Outreach organizer and Reigning Queen/Fall Festival of Leaves, Tiffany Lahmp (below) had this to say – “We provided strict instructions to participants, encouraging them NOT to provide the O’Liam family with Satan-based desserts such as Devil’s Food Cake, Devil Dogs, or anything Flambe-related. Most have complied.”

 

So What's the Deal with 7:23 AM?: It's the Police BLOG!

Grim & Bare It
Sunday, 7:23 AM- Woman called to report “nude man with snow blower” in neighbor’s driveway. Dispatcher reminded caller that town bylaw refers only to nude leaf-blowing. Officer called to scene to investigate. Man with snow blower was wearing “ecru colored” long underwear made with form-fitting Comfortrel fabric. “It’s so comfortable, I feel like I’m nude!” he exclaimed. Police noted that this was same man who was investigated for nude vacuuming last fall and also clubbing a possum to death with a garden spade in 1999.

Helicopter Mom vs. SUV
Tuesday, 7:23 AM- Helicopter mom walking 12-year-old boy to school was nearly hit by SUV driven by distracted uber-mom on cell phone. Uber-mom slammed on brakes just in time, causing her six children to spill organic chocolate milk and Starbucks smoothies on laps. Luckily, woman had entire contents of entire Boden catalog in trunk, along with mix-and-match separates from Hanna Andersson, J. Crewcuts and Oilily. All seven children were late to their respective schools after being re-dressed and checked out for whiplash. Asked why no one had taken the bus to school, uber-mom said the bus was “gross.”

Businessman Strangles Wild Turkey
Thursday, 7:23 AM- After waiting 3.5 minutes for a swarm of wild turkeys to cross the street, a 42-year-old man got out of his BMW and lunged at the flock while waving a golf club over this head. Most scattered, but one “with a stupid look in his eye” stayed in the street. A witness reported the man dove into the street and strangled the turkey before coming to his senses. The man apologized and said he’d been very agitated ever since the commuter train crossings had disrupted his carefully calibrated morning commute. He was later found downing shots of Wild Turkey at the Speedwell Guild (for members only, Refreshment Center and Groggery).

reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com

 

 

Top 10 Predictions for 2010.

For the past few weeks, TinyTown has been for a quiet. In fact, you could almost say that it was deader than “The King of Pop”. Oh sure, there were a few roadside holiday parties – the abandoned Goldschläger Cinnamon Schnapps bottles and trash bags filled with empty Narragansett cans, offer undeniable proof.

For you see, during the Christmas holidays, a majority of the town’s inhabitants travel north for skiing, partying, and resting fireside at the lodge – with their next door neighbors and best pals – from TinyTown.

For those that stayed behind, winter left a healthy blanket of snow that was replenished on a regular basis throughout the past week and a half. The winter high tides were a bit higher than usual. There were many times during the week, that waterfront streets were totally submerged in sea water.

Even more prevalent, were the knuckleheads, that insisted upon driving through the knee-deep, salt water. A common remark by roadside by-standers (especially those who had once owned a rusted-out, circa-1970’s Maverick, Pinto or Vega) was, “Lord God, I hope that car is leased!”

Well, it’s Monday morning and time to get the virtual presses of the Tiny Mind Gazette up and running. In our weekly editorial meeting, we decided that it might be a good time to announce our predictions for the coming year. These are our top 10:

1. The abandoned and most likely haunted hardware store will be torn down and replaced with a Lululemon Superstore & Pilates Rehabilitation Center.


2. Miniature Invisibines® will be made mandatory for all gasoline burning urban assault vehicles that seat more than six passengers. 


3. For these same vehicles, it will no longer be mandatory for the vehicle operator to engage in cell phone conversations while navigating the village’s narrow and winding streets. However, it will still be necessary to drive with a small designer dog on your lap. Reading a newspaper or ingesting snacks is also encouraged.


4. Upon awakening from hibernation, a pack of greyotes will encircle the town’s pet grooming studio, taunting the exiting newly-coiffed Labberdoodles, Cocker-huahua and Arubanese Rescue Collies. The town’s Animal Control Officer will be alerted and forced to leave his command post at the Red Ly’n Inn.


5. All of the town center’s commercial and retail businesses will be packed-up and moved to the Independence Hall, mini-mall that has been built next to the commuter rail station.


6. The town center’s abandoned buildings will be torn down to provide additional parking for the newly expanded Lululemon World Theme Park, the Lululemon Pilates Rehabilitation Center – as well as the soon-to-be-founded, American Center for Chardonnay Studies. 


7. The commissioner of the town’s Miniature League Baseball Association will organize a coup d'etat – overthrowing the town government and enacting military rule. Lights will be added to the TinyTown baseball triplex – making 24x7, youth baseball a reality.


8. Donning pitchforks and lighted torches, inhabitants of homes surrounding the baseball triplex will take to the streets – bringing down the horrible MLBA regime. The disgraced commissioner will be forced into exile. Donkeyball will be named the official town sport.


9. All of the town’s naturally growing grass and foliage will be replaced by artificial turf.


10. The Tiny Mind Gazette will receive a Lilly Pulitzer Prize for both excellence in journalism and fashion commentary.

Happy 2010! Hang in there!

Special Holiday Joint Report: Tiny Town Police & Health Officer

Thurs, Dec 17, 6:45 p.m. Middle-aged woman suffered temporary amnesia while shopping in Smallgreen’s. After appearing to be in “trance-like state” in stationary position in aisle #4 for 20 minutes, store manager approached woman to ask if she needed help. Woman could not remember her name, address, or what she came to buy. No cell phone, could not find car keys in overstuffed handbag. Officers called to scene.

Shopping cart full with items including: Pet Snuggly, Slim Jims, 8 travel size rain ponchos, a Touch N Brush Hands Free Toothpaste dispenser, a paper shredder, a PedEgg Ultimate Foot File, 5 Reese’s peanut butter Christmas trees, 12 boxes of Mike and Ike candies, a Perfect Brownie Pan, micro-fiber wonder cloths, a DVD of Bonanza episodes, an under-bed shoe organizer, a jumbo pack of marshmallow Santas, a caller ID device, and a George Foreman micro-grill. When questioned why she had 17 bags of Ghiradelli chocolates squares, she replied “I’m not sure, but they were 2 for $5.”

Store manager brought woman to pharmacy area, where she reclined on a pet bed. After administering smelling salts and a concoction of Airborne tablets, Prozac, Gingko Biloba, St. John’s Wart and vitamin D dissolved in Diet Rock Star Cola, the woman came to her senses and was picked up by family members who refused to identify themselves.

John Dodo (left), Tiny Town public health commissioner, says this is a common occurrence around the holidays. All residents, especially women, should stay well hydrated (with alcohol-free, caffeine-free beverages) and carry a high-protein snack and I.D. cards in handbag while shopping. It is important to always have a list.

Be sensible about purchases and exercise restraint, says Mr. Dodo. Choose healthy snacks for children, like sunflower seeds over sugar-filled candy. By buying more and more items for overindulged children, we perpetuate a cycle of entitlement and disillusionment. “When I was a child we each got a tangerine and one walnut," he said. "And that was perfectly fine."

The best advice is to stop shopping. Enough already. It's a recession. And if you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, it's best to just not leave the house. 

Have a safe and healthy holiday.

BAILOUT! Investment Group, Benchley Wentworth, Rides in on White Stallion & Rescues TMG @ 11th Hour.

 
Wall Street tycoon, Sohier Wentworth (left), and his investment group, Benchley Wentworth has purchased a significant stake in the Tiny Mind Gazette. As of Friday, the struggling blog appeared that it was on the same path as LIFE, LOOK, and Gourmet. Although on life support, The Tiny Mind will continue with uninterrupted publication and distribution.

The former Tiny Mind leadership group had proposed a Facebook Fan Drive – that fell 41 fans short at Friday’s midnight deadline.

A grassroots organization and Tiny Mind support group, The No-Brainers!, formed a well-orchestrated 24-hour, virtual sit-in– where the more than 37 members, duct-taped themselves to their keyboards in support of the weblog.

“It was the tiny-minded supporters and the no-brainers that proved to us, that there was an audience that we could contend with,” remarked Sohier Wentworth. “We look forward to moving the publication forward in the coming months.”

Sohier was reached at his Nantucket residence, where he was hosting his daughter Lizzi Wentworth and his grandchildren.

TINY MIND Internal Memo: Office Holiday Party 2009 Etiquette

FOR INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY. NOT TO BE PUBLISHED!

For many of you, this is your first Holiday party at the company, and we certainly hope it won’t be your last, so our president wisely asked me to pass on these few notes to make sure no one embarrasses himself or herself during this festive event. (One study showed that up to 93% of employees in some companies lose their jobs over holiday party “incidents.” Some 11% do find them the next Monday, but many wish they hadn’t.)

The Boss says: “We want to keep you safe, keep you happy, and keep you here.”

ALCOHOL: There will be alcohol. Enjoy it responsibly. But do not use it to “hydrate.”

MUSIC APPRECIATION: The Boss will be playing the piano. He’s quite accomplished, and this music is his holiday “gift” to the company. However, a $1 tip is adequate and appreciated; $5 if you make a special request. It is impolite to request him to “stop playing those damn show tunes.” Also, if the Boss asks you to accompany him, do not sit on his lap, but sit next to him on the piano bench.

FOOD: With the passed hors d’ouevres, the procedure is to take one, and a napkin. Do not take the tray from the server, as this is a “shared” item, not delivered specifically to you.

Do not bring baggies to the party for “take out.” This is an eat-in party. (Same goes for nalgene bottles at the bar.)

It is best not to make “sandwiches” from nachos. They tend to split and splash and ruin the beautiful expensive shirt your beloved bought you a month ago and positively wreak havoc on what should be a lovely Friday evening at home after the party and instead turns out to be a hellish nightmare of recriminations of why you spoil everything good and suck the life out of the most joyous time of year by your slovenly habits and total disregard for the commonsensical behaviors of even the MOST PRIMITIVE MEMBERS of the HUMAN RACE—you ID-I-OT!!!!!  So we suggest going with the single-dip-and-bite method.

ALCOHOL:  Sip responsibly. Do not speak while sipping. Practice speaking silently before speaking aloud. If you cannot pronounce simple words in your head, such as your name, put the glass down and request a cab home.

SALUTATIONS: We call it a Holiday party to be inclusive,  but it is fine to say “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah,” “Joyous Kwanzaa,” or even “Rapturous Festivus.” But do not say, “Wow, you could definitely play Santa!” Or “I finished all my shopping already! How about you?” Don’t say those things. Really.

MUSIC PERFORMANCE: If you decide to sing Christmas carols, make sure you are singing the same one as everyone else. At the same speed. Within at least two keys of the leader. Do not affect the style of a lounge singer unless you have a sequined gown, or a sequined jacket.

ATTIRE: If you have either a sequined gown or sequined jacket, please do not come to the party.

ALCOHOL: Try not to burst into tears for no apparent reason. The reason Lee never kissed you in 4^th grade had nothing to do with that haircut. Trust us.

MISTLETOE: The practice of “honoring” a sprig of mistletoe is a completely OPTIONAL act, not a requirement. Except if you see me standing under one, or simply holding one over his head. In that case, it is important to cheer me up, tell me I am “a valuable and loved member of society,” and “a shirt can always be replaced,” and “maybe a kiss will make you feel better.”

ATTIRE: when you arrive, carefully observe your shirt, pants, skirt, blouse, jacket, and or suit. When you leave, try to remember if they are the same. If not, check out Frankie in shipping.

ALCOHOL: Do not pull a barstool up to the bar. It’s not that kind of bar. Do not start pouring out your life’s tragedies to the bartenders. They are just local student temps and have their own angst over exams, and love, and the meaning-of-life and truly: they don’t really don’t care about you. Do not yell out “Drinks for everyone! On me!” We have tried this four  five years in a row, and apparently it is still not funny.

CO-WORKERS:  If you are standing close to anyone who shouts, “Hey, watch this!” do everything in your power to stop them.  (Sales reps on bungie cords, and department managers bowling with punch bowls, are just not holiday entertainment.)

FUN: Remember, this is an office party. So have fun. (All things considered, raises can always be rescinded; what seems hilarious and entertaining in your mind may not look hilarious as you dance “like Beyonce;” accounting jokes are really only funny to accountants; and most important of all: if you wouldn’t say it or do it any other day, why would you say it or do it NOW?)

So now that you are totally clued in, enjoy. We hope to see you again Monday. Really. Maybe in a nice clean shirt.   – J. DiCocco

Welcome to My World! with Lizzi Wentworth, society editor

 

I live in a town where all the women are stick-thin and blonde; the man's car of choice is a BMW and roadside trash is empty bottles of Moët and empty packages of Dexatrim. I myself am from a proud stock, well educated and staunchly "blonde-by-choice". The town of Tiny Mind is wonderful and as for my mind, well I am very satisfied with its size. Many citizens of surrounding towns have not-so-nice nicknames for us. But I believe this is because they envy our socio-economic position. After all, who wouldn't want our lives? We look rich, we act rich and we're beautiful. Not many town beaches can boast that they are chock-full of bikini clad yummy-mommies!

Speaking of yummy, we also have an award-winning espresso bar in town. They serve th-e-e-e best steamed, fat-free milk, triple caffeinated, espresso. The baristas are hunks and we sneak away every chance we can to drink-up the best looking views in town. Oh yes, and we never, never, never bring our children. We save our obligatory daily outing with our children for the bagel shop. The properiter is just so-o-o-o-o sweet! He doesn't mind at all that our children throw food, scream and run around. This is a life saver on rainy days! For our little ones, it's an extra gym class! Thankfully our nannies and au pairs take care of attending that germ festival. As much as we would like to go with them to Gymmy-Gym day we just find it impossible. We are exceptionally busy women. We spend tremendous amounts of our day working out, tanning, at mani-pedi appointments and garment shopping. Every day is exhausting, but we never complain and we never tire of our regiment. After all, one never knows when they might be "on the market" again. It's a heavy cross to bear.

Speaking of on the market, some of the homes in our town are amazing. In fact, a neighbor just finished a "to die for" project. I have a feeling that she drew her creative inspiration from Disney's Beach and Yacht Club. The house is traditionally New England-ish and boasts a lighthouse detail that just screams – coastal! Her architect is now "in demand". I am just so happy for her. She furnished it completely via catalog. It's totally Pottery Barn and Frontgate! As I said, I am just so happy for her. Our book group was her cornerstone of support during her renovation. We were there for her every step of the way. That's just the kind of friends we are. We might not really be a book group. I mean, we pick books but we don't really read them. We're too busy for that. Usually we just discuss the cover and the flap inside. I mean if you read the flap, you know the whole story. Once in a while I might squeeze in enough time to read the last page. It's a trick I learned early on. Everyone then thinks you read the book and they "o-o-o-h" and "a-h-h-h" over your time management abilities. Oh! Perhaps I shouldn't have told you that because now my secret's out. Let's just keep it between us.

I must run, busy, busy you know. TTYL
Lizzi