Tiny Mind Gazette

Fleas, Fainting & Fried Food: It's the PoliceBLOG!

Circus Breaks Out At Flea Party
Wednesday, 10:30 AM – Officer called to maintain order at Flea Party tax rally outside Town Hall. Supporters of “Crazy Old Guy” (who allegedly pulled papers to run for a vacant seat on either the Bored Selectmen or the School Committee) chanted confusing slogans about taxation, Cuba, school busses and nuclear energy while marching to a fife and drum band. Vehicle and pedestrian traffic blocked but re-routed. 

Town Threatened by Twistee
Wednesday, 11:30 AM – Flea Party member tripped, fell into pothole and twisted ankle. Possible broken bone. Member threatened to sue town for poor road maintenance, then demanded ambulance service. Crazy Old Guy made makeshift cast with dirty handkerchief and his signature red suspenders. Public nurse came to help but was told “get your government hands off my ankle brace!”

Delirious Housewives on Detox Diet
Thursday, 3:00 PM – Woman fainted in Stop & Chat supermarket while sipping mango-kale-mung bean smoothie in "go cup." Officer called to assist. Store manager reported seven similar incidents this week. Women all reported being on new “detox smoothie” diet and were dehydrated from running to multiple specialty food markets on quest to find obscure ingredients in between “evacuations.” Driving high-speed from Whole Paycheck to the Hingham Loot Market to Stop & Chat to find organic agave and dandelion roots left the women weak and light headed. The Wapatusset health officer reminds women they should NOT drink their usual intake of Chardonnay while participating in this radical diet. Nor should they smoke the hemp and flax seed ingredients meant for smoothies. Investigators are questioning local yoga center for cult-like indoctrination techniques.

Fasting Lurkers With Fast Food Fetish
Thursday, 4:30 PM – Dentist office called to report suspicious activity in alley behind yoga studio. Mysterious individual “wearing hoodie and yoga pants” lurking in bushes, possible burglary plot. Officer arrived to find woman eating meatball sub in bushes. Woman’s friend located hiding in water boiler room of dentist office basement with bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

reported by Agent SS http://sallysisson.com

“Crazy Old Guy” Running for Town Office

News reverberating out of Waputasset Town Hall indicates that the town’s “Crazy Old Guy” has “pulled papers” – a clerical warning shot, stating that he intends to run for either: one of the two, empty Bored Selectmen seats or for a position on the town’s School Committee.

The “Crazy Old Guy’s” campaign platform has been built on the following planks:

• “Keep Waputasset as it is. The town has been good to me for 86 years and there is no need to change it.”

• “Lets not let the ‘Johnny-come-latelies’ and the ‘carpet-baggers’ turn our town into a fancy-pants community with high-falutin' ideas.”

• “Eight solid years of education will take you far enough in life. If you want more, you pay for it – and not on my dime.”

• “If the spoiled-rotten kids are too lazy to walk to school, let them pay for their bus transportation. When I was a boy, we walked everywhere – and I am a better man for it!”

• “Sports! Who needs ‘em – don’t you have cows to milk, water to carry, and ditches to dig in the backyard?

With Spring elections right around the corner, according to town officials, “Crazy Old Guy” is currently running, unopposed. More details, as they develop.