Last week’s high heat and humidity resulted in a record number of calls and complaints. Due to the TMG staff’s relaxed summer schedule (and the even more relaxed summer schedule of insubordinate unpaid interns), we are forced to present a much abbreviated account of this week’s happenings.
7/16, 3:52pm – Harried housewife beats seagull to death with Jimmy Choo sandal on Sandy Beach. Blames husband and heatstroke. [Note: This incident is in no way related to the Flock of Seagulls death reported in January 2011 - ed.]
7/17, 6:20pm – Caterer suffers multiple seizures after serving hors d'oeuvres to elderly men wearing multiple patterns of plaid seersucker pants. According to paramedics, victim (from Midwest) had no prior experience with this visual phenomenon.
7/21, 12:10am – Crowd dispersed after complaints of loud noise Wapatusset Harbor parking lot. Surveying evidence (generic brand potato chip bag and crushed cans of Schlitz), police chief Liam O’Liam blames “out-of-town riff-raff.”
- report by crime, fashion and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS