Please allow me to thank all of the concerned citizens of Wapatusset who have stepped forward, encouraging me to throw my well-worn and tattered hat into the local no-holds-barred political wrestling ring. At this moment in time, following excruciating thought and only partially divisive deliberation, Morton Scrim Shaw has officially entered the race for Wapatusset Animal Control Officer.
To this elected position, I bring forth the following experience:
- former government agent
- movie stunt stand-in for renowned actor Stephen Segal (in Hard to Kill, Under Seige, and briefly in Fire Down Below)
- former witness protection program candidate
- NASA intern
- cross-dressing roller derby star (during stint as unpaid gonzo journalist for Rolling Stone)
- seasonal Hickory Farms cheese-sample attendant
- director of the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League
I have elected to move my career into new and unchartered territory—giving back to the community (for a modest salary and above-average medical benefits).
My current platform involves the following key points. As my campaign continues to evolve and fester, I will surely provide a sharper lens and more focused thought.
Since the founding of Wapatusset in the early 1600s, rumors have circulated about a half-human/half-beast that has roamed this hamlet’s nearby forests. Some refer to him as a Sasquatch, others Bigfoot—and to younger generations, “that whacked out hippie dude that lives in a tree.”
As director of the Office of Animal Control, I promise to capture this creature, bringing an end to centuries of fearful curiosity and irregular tourism. Imagine the tourist dollars that a caged Yeti will bring to our cash-strapped town: customized “Monster of Wapatusset” t-shirts, coffee mugs, earth-friendly water bottles, and magnetic mini-van decals.
(Don Wingood of Wingood Graphics, I am counting on at least one of your votes.)
As a new revenue source, and as an effort to combat the injustice that lingers in terms of household pet ownership, my office and my appointed Animal Control Cabinet will institute a town-wide licensing program for all non-canine pets.
For an over-extended period of time, dogs have borne the unfair brunt of Wapatusset’s pet licensing requirements. Owners of cats, domesticated rodents, reptiles, fish and large poisonous spiders have been unfairly exempt from paying licensing fees.
Sure, it is nearly impossible to fit a collar around a neck-less fish. However, my exploratory team is looking into color-coded, adhesive licenses that may be applied to the exterior of fish tanks. Licensing fees will be determined by the number of (live) inhabitants within each water-filled tank. For the office waiting rooms of doctors, Chinese restaurants, and grocery stores,* there will be an additional surcharge for aquariums receiving significantly greater daily viewership.
Similar research is currently being conducted for the licensing of snakes and large poisonous insects, where a traditional pet collar/license is not feasible.
“Paris Hilton” Purse Dogs:
Yes, yes. I have received several complaints about these creatures (and their owners).
Apparently I am not the only one creeped out by the blonde Wapatusset cougars who insist on carrying around their unusually coiffed, rodent-like purse dogs. (From a purely visual standpoint, I’d say they are actually closer to a marsh rat than to man’s best friend.) However, I am thinking that perhaps we should not do a thing about them. As my dearly departed mother used to say, “If you ignore them they will just go away.”
While on the topic of demented furry creatures, my office is instituting a campaign that will hopefully make individuals more aware of diseased wild animals. Check out this for a bumper sticker: “If it Foams, Let it Roam!”
(Mr. Wingood, here is another business opportunity—if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.)
I had a fifth point but with lunchtime approaching, I’ll get to that one later. I am Morton “Scrim” Shaw, and I want to be YOUR Animal Control Officer!
*For grocery stores where tank inhabitants are sold for human ingestion (i.e. lobsters), temporary licenses will be made available on an as-needed basis.