Aquarius (January 20 to February 19) :: Consider the arts. Consider the sciences. Now consider that in most zoos, the appropriate position of the creatures inside the bars and outside the bars are tragically reversed.
Boehner the Resistor (February 19.1 to February 19.9) :: Call up someone important today. Oppose any attempts to compromise your true feelings, no matter how uncertain you are. Visit North Korea. Stay there.
Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: Travel travel travel. Buy maps and a GPS and a fine walking stick, and away you go. Bring scented soap and a recipe for making stew from oak leaves. If you can’t speak a foreign language, make one up.
Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Hope is not a plan. You must get out and participate in life. Move your money into safer investments such as iron. It’s really heavy and much harder to steal than software. Take more walks in the starlight. Be open to love. But carry Mace.
Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: Embrace your inner child. Drool freely and often. Poop whenever and wherever you like. Nap often. Throw food you don’t like. Stare at breasts if it relaxes you.
Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: The twins experience a rough period. But then things cool down. Then they ramp up again. Then they relax a bit. But JUST when they get comfortable, something goes really haywire. But they get over it and eventually all is smooth. But only for a half-hour, then friggin’ mayhem again. Best to stay home under the covers for a while. Bring canned goods and a flashlight.
Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Others will notice your change before you notice it yourself. They may compliment you, but don’t believe it—it is a way of covering shock. Once you identify the problem (hint: mirror), get yourself to a veterinarian as fast as possible and have it removed. Then, before you reenter social company, be ready with a really good explanation, because that stuff hasn’t happened since the days of LSD.
Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: Take advantage of the New Year by reinventing yourself. This is an intellectual, not a biological exercise. Previous readers have misplaced essential body parts. Remember, “wearing your heart on your sleeve” is just a figure of speech.
Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: This is an excellent month for you to eat foods that begin with the letter “R.” But remember to ramp up your exercising. Love may be waiting right around the corner, but if it jumps out of a cardboard box, keep walking.
Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: Give vent to your compulsive side. Plan a “Dance to Autumn” party. Send out invitations today and allow the event to entirely consume you for the next six months. Assign, reassign, and reassign seating arrangements once more until you get writer’s cramp. Visit numerous flower shops and bakeries. Make giant origami from sheets of industrial aluminum. Audition bands in your basement. Pass out leaflets at elementary schools. Carry cash for bail.
Scorpio The Scorpion (duh.) (October 24 to November 21) :: Be more fun at the workplace. In your next meeting, pretend you’re an astronaut and there’s no bathroom on board. When you turn in your next report, sign it in ketchup. Have a wooikie record your voicemail message. Watch how people start reacting to you differently.
Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: It’s time to clean up your language. Respect others more and you’ll gain more respect. Water your plants and your pets on alternate days. If a policeman steps up to you, whistle show tunes as rapidly as possible.
Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: Romance is in the wings, perhaps an old flame will renew or a new one will ignite. In any case, wear asbestos over vital areas. Now is not the time to be shy. If an attractive person approaches you, declare your feelings: “You’re hot!” or “You make me feel like a natural woman!” or “Boxers or briefs?—who cares?—let’s all go commando for the weekend!”
For February, Beau Donie is available for free personal psychic consultations every Monday through Thursday, 6-9pm at the main branch of the Wapatusset Library. “Find me under “s” for “sychic.””