Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: Time will reverse for you sometime mid-month. A tip-off will be when people will start saying, “Jeepers, you don’t know if you’re coming or going these days.” Another tip-off is the word “jeepers” itself. Check your calendar regularly and carry a change of underwear for yesterday.
Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Eat well this month, and exercise frequently, for there will be unusual demands on you during this time, demands that will test your will, sap your strength, and change your zipcode. Wear hoodies when outside and avoid giving the “power finger sign” to other drivers.
Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: Plan your wedding while the Moon is in high entourage, even if you have not yet found a mate. Mates are a dime a dozen, but your day of matrimony is priceless.
Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Stand in your office chair and practice ski poses at work, particularly if you have glass walls, and even better if you work in a cubicle. Extra points if you’re a welder on high altitude buildings. The increased attention will boost your confidence for when “the right one” walks through your door sometime later this month.
Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Instead of Saturday and Sunday, start a new trend by referring to these days as “The Week-end.” Say it slowly so people “get it.” Use finger quotes for the slower ones. If in France, call it “Le Weekend.” They’ll eat it up and adore you. Carry a DVD of an old Jerry Lewis movie and you may get a prime table in smart cafes.
Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: Resist the urge to whisper to cheese during this time, for it is likely to rebound back in unforeseen ways. Remember what happened to Prince Charlemagne of Aquitaine? Well, neither does he, so there you go.
Boehner the Resistor (January 20 to February 19) :: Take a stand and then back away from it several times this month. Keep them on edge with your ever-vigilant truculence. Walk backwards with a huge smile on your face and your hand extended as if you were actually approaching.
Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: An excellent time for exercising your wanderlust, but not the other kind. Spend time alone, hiking and exploring the nether regions wherever you may be.
Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Hop often during this time, particularly when entering or leaving churches, mosques, and synagogues. Instead of prayers, whisper recipes and see if anyone notices. Sing all hymns backwards, just to break up the routine. If you make it to hell, tell them Tiny Mind Gazette sent you.
Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: Here at mid-summer, it’s a great time to try new sports. Such as mime, perhaps. Remember, everything has its time and place and ringtone. Brush often, especially your tongue, because we know where that’s been.
Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: Resist the urge to get a pet, even though there will be heavy pressure from relatives to get one. It’s easy for them because they will have no pet duties. Paint as many things red as possible now because there will soon be a shortage of red pigment and this will position you ahead of the curve.
Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: You’ve been too demanding the last few months and you can see where this has led. So this is an excellent time to relax your standards. Smile at everyone, flirt with DMV employees, and laugh wildly at weather shows while standing in the TV section of BestBuy.
Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.