Rapture Preparation Checklist: Don't let the end of the world ruin your weekend!

1. Weed-whack around religious yard ornaments
2. Remove all "archived" religious icons from attic or storage unit and distribute evenly throughout the home
3. Unplug the iron
4. Display Holy Bible or similar religious doctrines in prominent place, simultaneously removing any questionable or suggestive reading material
5. Spend at least 15 minutes brushing up on familiar hymns, chants, Bible verses
6. Contact cable company and cleanse your package of any networks/channels that contain "mature content"
7. Plan flameproof, rapture-appropriate outfit (sensible footwear encouraged)
8. Aggressively dab on sunscreen (every 15-20 minutes) to build up 2-3 inch layer of a skin protection
9. Purchase large-lensed, wraparound Foster Grant's with maximum glare-reducing lenses
10. Avoid foods with pork listed as a key ingredient
11. Consider flame retardant fanny-pack instead of traditional purse/satchel/handbag
12. Saturday morning t-shirt choice: OZZY or Jesus Saves? Hello?
13. Consider spending most of Saturday involved in church, temple, or mosque related activities
14. Cancel the newspaper and stop the mail
15. Brush up on the Ten Commandments (memorizing at least seven)
16. Delete cell phone call history
17. Honk for Jesus
18. Floss