THING of Addams Family fame, offering a helping hand to dairy section of grocery superstore? MicroMovie by Christopher Harting christopherharting.com
THING of Addams Family fame, offering a helping hand to dairy section of grocery superstore? MicroMovie by Christopher Harting christopherharting.com
Now that Charlie Sheen has begun getting it all out of his system, it seems CBS has gotten him out of theirs. Aside from calling Alcoholics Anonymous a "bootleg cult" and that whole porn star in the potty debacle, Tiny Mind Gazette's undercover reporters say he's been seen hollowing out award statuettes and filling them with a combination of vodka and Four Loko.
Now that the Two and a Half Men time slot is officially open (though still listed as a current show on the network's website), CBS is exploring new ideas for highly ignorable sitcoms. Among them:
Despite the stellar considerations being whiteboarded, we don't believe CBS will deliver anything worth the 30 minutes of airtime. We predict they'll be back with the more expected sequel, One Man and a Horny Teenager.
Photo Credit: Hollywood Reporter
Our invitation to an exclusive unveiling of the iPad 2 suggests the much-lauded and highly anticipated device will primarily be a huge red and white calendar that can be peeled away each day to reveal the iPad underneath.
It's an odd design choice not even David Pogue could have predicted. Something certainly seems amiss at Apple, but we'll just have to roll with it (and so will you).
As we count the days before we crank the engine on our Lear jet, perhaps you'll help us ponder the following items:
Only time will tell, but if you have any ideas, assumptions, or actual knowledge of iPad's next iteration, please let us know. We'd love to hear from you.
1. Your face is magic-markered onto the milk carton in your girlfriend's fridge (with the words "I hate him").
2. There's a large, empty valentine-shaped candy box under the couch with your name on it.
3. Mr. Cuddles, the cat you gave her last Valentine’s Day, is mysteriously being “rescued” at the local Pet Smart, as Mr. Heez-A-Jerk.
4. You receive a “nice gift” of a single movie pass dated 14 February, on 12 February.
5. Your boyfriend has been humming that old song “50 Ways to leave your Lover” for a week.
6. Your monogrammed hand towel in the bathroom is now a “voodoo towel” stuck with safety pins (and your back has been feeling like pins and needles this week).
7. Your half of the sweetheart heart carved into the old oak in the back yard was mysteriously “hit by snow lightning.”
8. There's a volcano of fake fur and foam stuffing clogging the garbage disposal and last year's special Valentine’s Day teddy bear is missing from the couch.
9. Your special someone's “In a Relationship” status on Facebook has suddenly changed to “It’s Complicated.”
10. You got the “I've been thinking… voice-mail on your new phone—voiced by her new best friend.
11. She asks you what you are doing on Valentine's Day with your new girlfriend.
12. Your daily texts from him went from 4,000 to three spam texts for a dating service.
13. “Burglars” broke into her house and took all of your photos off of the wall and stomped on them with very petite shoes.
14. The loveseat you both picked out has now been downsized to a “chair.”
15. Your e-mail announces “You've got Hate Mail.”
Here’s a favorite Valentine’s Day song to get you in the mood for your favorite February holiday (aside from Groundhog Day, President’s Day and Single’s Awareness Day, that is):
– by The Mysterious Dr. F.
An erratic feature of the Gazette that will appear whenever the great seer has revelations.
Capricorn the Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: The planets are aligned for you this month. Kiss more. Drool less. Leave your bib home on the next date.
Aquarius the Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) :: A very good time to try a date within your own species. (The parts are basically the same but the mechanics may be different. Rinse and repeat.)
Pisces the Fish (February 19 to March 19) :: You have been prone to loving your neighbor too much. This is a good time to gear back a little and consider the legal consequences.
Alsace-Lorraine the Region (March 20) :: It’s not you, it’s me. No…wait…it is you.
Aries the Ram (March 21 to April 19) :: Buy a new picture frame and use the included photo in your Match.com page. Magic could happen.
Taurus the Bull (April 20 to May 20) :: It’s time to get over a disappointment from the past. When JT didn’t kiss you in the 3rd grade, it wasn’t personal—it was because of your lip fungus. Move on with your life. (And see a dermatologist immediately.)
Gemini the Twins (May 21 to June 21) :: Everyone loves surprises! A terrific time to change your racial and gender profile on Facebook.
Overlapping sign: June Brides (The Zillas) :: Don’t let others control your thoughts, particularly in affairs of the heart. The voices are challenging you and this is a good time to talk back—especially in public places so they know you’ll have witnesses.
Lexus the Luxuriant (Memorial Day Weekend) :: Write a deeply erotic poem. Mail it to someone anonymously in your office. Watch the fun. Clean out your desk.
Cancer the Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Don’t commit this month. Play the field. Sniff everyone.
Leo the Lion (July 23 to August 21) :: Take up a dead language, and wear scarves in the shower. Drop hints that you know how to make fishing line from cinnamon. Laugh with your eyebrows only.
Iglesias the Crooner (Toad Hop Day, August 22) :: Skip a turn. Lose one month. Pay $200.
Virgo the Virgin (August 23 to September 22) :: Nobody is buying that virgin crap. Get real, for gawd’s sakes.
Libra the Scales (September 23 to October 22) :: The moon is in cheddar this month, which makes for a tasty sandwich. Set up two dates for the same evening and be the sandwich yourself.
Scorpio the Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21) :: No one can truly understand the laws of attraction, so take some chances this month. Try walking on one foot only, or introduce yourself to potential soul mates by singing your name, or eat soup with chopsticks. These will get you noticed.
Sagittarius the Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Great news for you, the Archer. Valentine’s arrow will surely find your heart in the next few days. (But just in case, wear a cup.)
By Beau Doni, Seer, Smeller, Taster, Hearer, Feeler
It's the end of the work week; a time for those inconsiderate strangers to use up their rollover minutes in the hammer lane, the mall parking lot, and even through three red lights just to keep you on your driving toes. A time to use those defensive driver skills you learned with Mr. Hamm in 10th grade Driver's Ed.
Thoughtless drivers don't need a season to celebrate their blessing on humanity. Here are some thoughtful gifts for the aggressive driver who has everything:
1. Turn Signal Kit: Easily installed in those BMWs, Mercedes, and twelve-ton meat trucks that obviously forgot to buy the turn signal kit with their initial vehicle purchase.
2. Mental Turn Signal Transmitter: For those amazing Kreskins of the highway who nudge over into your lane without warning and assume you saw their wheels slinking to the left. The microcomputer on this skull-tight skullcap reads the driver's intentions and signals for them.
3. Merge App for the GPS: Announces that a turn signal would be nice instead of riding the shoulder when racing along in the merge lane to pass others who thoughtfully got into the other lane two miles prior to the merge.
4. Laser-Guided Following Distance Measuring Tool: Calibrated to the proper stopping distance; activates an air-raid-quality horn inside car to remind driver that stopping on a "dime," not stopping "within a dime's distance," is the rule of thumb.
5. Motion-Activated Jesus on the Dash: Detects distraction due to driver cell phone usage or heads turned to discuss the latest sales at Dollar Tree with the passenger and announces "Eyes on the road, my child!"
6. Time Out Driving Mentor: Keeps track of non-use of turn signals, tailgating, and "California stops." After three violations, gently guides the culprit's car to the road shoulder for a ten minute "time out."
7. Red Light/Right Turn/Wait Windshield Flag: This spring-loaded beauty pops up to cover the aggressive driver's windshield when he/she attempts to turn right on red and cut off other cars traveling through green lights in cross-traffic.
And while you're at it, buy a couple of nifty sympathy gifts for yourself!
The rear mounted horn, for that aggressive driver who is following too close.
Fluorescent obscenity signs in ten different languages. Perfect for Grandma and the kids to hold up in the back seat. No need to keep them out of the fun.
Law of Gross Tonnage Magnets for the side of your car. They're stylish. They're fun! ...and they let everyone know that "He who has the biggest vehicle goes first!"
–The Mysterious Dr. F.
crazy4u, So. Wapatusset
“Home” is just a metaphor (that means “symbol”) for a “destination” some of “us” refer to when returning to the place of “origin” of the “document,” not the place of our “birth” or upbringing or where we store the Wii. In many software programs, words such as “mailings” and “Acrobat,” do not bring us glamour magazines or circus performers. You see, a certain level of technical “sophistication” must be learned and earned—we cannot simply grant it from our “nest” on the fifth floor.
I hope this helps.
Johnny, Techmeister of the Year
Sometimes I hear strange noises coming from a funny box near my desk and lots of very thin white stuff with magical scrawling comes out of it.
Runwitsizzas, Zone 479
Not to worry; this is a common occurrence. We use software such as Word (many letters in small and large bunches), Excel (numbers and money things), and PowerPoint (pictures, arrows, dark and light areas), to produce “documents.” Sometimes we want to “print” such documents in color. In those instances, we “send” them to the big bright machine behind you to “print them out,” And thus the noise and white stuff. So don’t worry about those funny sounds; it means someone, somewhere, in your building is possibly doing something useful. Maybe. Probably one of the bosses. Hey—it could happen.
Johnny, Your Office Helper Guy
How do I become one your tech groupies?
Starryeyed456, Outside your office window
While we have unlimited capacity at Planet Spazmatonic, we do not have unlimited patience. We must separate the wheat from the barley, and then ferment the barley. Therefore, please send me a photo of yourself embedded in a Word document (or whipped cream), along with a 25-word statement as to why you would qualify as a Deputized Sheriff in the Great Techno KnowItAll Squadron, Secret Agent spaz’s Electronauts.
Slogan: “We’re not just technical geniuses, we floss, and use surge protectors, too!”
Motto 1A: “If it has electorific parts and wires, we know where the plugs are!”
Motto 1B: “We friggin’ love punctuation!%$#!”
Secret club password: SecretClubPassword. (This will be sent to you upon acceptance. You’ll be able to decode it with your Deputy badge. Hint: the hint is in the password.)
Brother Spaz, Lord of the Ether
Dear Delusional “Guru,”
Is Microsoft—or even anyone at TMG—aware you are disseminating this drivel?
jhg, Wapatusset Dept of Truth
First of all, no one has ever called me a “Guru” before—thank you. (And you know we love the extra punctuation marks! Cool!) I understand your eagerness to learn more. It took me months before I learned drivel. To access drivel in Microsoft Word, open HOME, open OPEN, open EDITOR folder, open SCRIM SHAW, and just start sorting through the documents. (Caution: Do not open anything if you have a mouth full of liquid! He he!)
Thermo Spaz, The IT Vacuum of Knowledge
Tech Tip of the Season: Every keyboard (except for laptops) has a number pad.
Try tapping 2, 4, 6, or 8 and see what happens!! (I know!!!! Cool, huh????)
Winter weather got you down?
Co-workers tired of your kvetching?
Too broke for a tropical vacation?
Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.
This stylish model features a built-in MP3 stereo, air freshener (Arctic Blast, Mountain Pine or Fish & Chips), dawn/dusk light simulation, and spray-tan spritzer.
The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).
“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.” – Helen W.
“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.” – Bill T.
The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.
As the Associated Press made the world aware of the “Snowpocalypse,” hundreds of web-links picked up the weather/human interest aspect of the crisis and crowned a young Wapatusset lady as the “Snow Princess.”
Captions read “Getting ready for the snowstorm in Massachusetts with her rake as New England braces for a foot of snow.”
On Wednesday, newspapers from Honolulu to Washington, London to Beijing chose the heart- wrenching vision of a tiny 13-month-old clearing the family driveway with…
to illustrate the magnitude of the blizzard.
On Thursday headlines across the planet read “What?? No Shovels?”
The picture has united a charity drive of global proportions.
Brooms are arriving from mainland China (with “Made in India” stickers), barn shovels from the Polish Highlands. Even the latest Ergo-S models are pouring in from Internet well-wishers.
Wapatusset postal clerk (and lead drummer of the Musty Slippers) Justin Case reported Friday that the tiny Wapatusset Post Office parking lot has reached maximum capacity as it is filled with crates of donated shovels from all over the world.
The Nigeria Daily News posted the picture and now Interpol warns of a new Nigerian Internet scam as in-boxes across the globe are being spammed with suspicious requests for cash donations to “send a snow shovel to Uncle Osagioduwa in Wapatusset” (which, translated from Nigerian, means “God show me the way to wealth.”)
Bob Geldorf has announced Snow Aid 2011 in Carmel, California to raise funds for both shovels and snow removal. Ozzy Osborne has also announced that proceeds from his Monsters of Snow Tour (not be confused with the Yeti) will also support snow removal efforts.
The Bored Selectmen of Wapatusset are grateful for the international show of support and have begun distributing the shovels to neighboring (and less fortunate) communities throughout New England. As their fleet of Range Rover snowplows is stretched to the limit, they appreciate any type of outreach (and publicity) on their behalf.
- article by the mysterious, Dr. F