1. Your face is magic-markered onto the milk carton in your girlfriend's fridge (with the words "I hate him").
2. There's a large, empty valentine-shaped candy box under the couch with your name on it.
3. Mr. Cuddles, the cat you gave her last Valentine’s Day, is mysteriously being “rescued” at the local Pet Smart, as Mr. Heez-A-Jerk.
4. You receive a “nice gift” of a single movie pass dated 14 February, on 12 February.
5. Your boyfriend has been humming that old song “50 Ways to leave your Lover” for a week.
6. Your monogrammed hand towel in the bathroom is now a “voodoo towel” stuck with safety pins (and your back has been feeling like pins and needles this week).
7. Your half of the sweetheart heart carved into the old oak in the back yard was mysteriously “hit by snow lightning.”
8. There's a volcano of fake fur and foam stuffing clogging the garbage disposal and last year's special Valentine’s Day teddy bear is missing from the couch.
9. Your special someone's “In a Relationship” status on Facebook has suddenly changed to “It’s Complicated.”
10. You got the “I've been thinking… voice-mail on your new phone—voiced by her new best friend.
11. She asks you what you are doing on Valentine's Day with your new girlfriend.
12. Your daily texts from him went from 4,000 to three spam texts for a dating service.
13. “Burglars” broke into her house and took all of your photos off of the wall and stomped on them with very petite shoes.
14. The loveseat you both picked out has now been downsized to a “chair.”
15. Your e-mail announces “You've got Hate Mail.”
Here’s a favorite Valentine’s Day song to get you in the mood for your favorite February holiday (aside from Groundhog Day, President’s Day and Single’s Awareness Day, that is):
– by The Mysterious Dr. F.