1. Forget to defrost frozen turkey.
2. Leave plastic bag of giblets inside bird cavity.
3. Strangle a wild turkey in the woods; pretend you got it at organic free-range farm.
4. Forget to de-feather said wild turkey; call it authentic Pilgrim culinary custom.
5. Build faux turkey out of Papier-mâché and chicken wire, fill with stiff oatmeal, call it “Vegan Delight.”
6. Substitute mystery roadkill for turkey; call it venison.
7. Substitute bald eagle for turkey; explain it was Ben Franklin's original idea for Thanksgiving.
8. Buy live turkey, name it, introduce to guests, involve in children’s party games, cook and serve.
9. Attach 1-2 sets of extra drumsticks to Butterball turkey.
10. Begin drinking before noon.
11. Wait until guests arrive to iron creases out of tablecloth and hunt for matching dinner napkins.
12. Do not wash dishes while cooking; stack in sink and on every inch of kitchen surface area.
13. Cook turkey until juices run pink.
14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.
15. Cancel portion of cable TV that includes any sports/football programming.
16. Have male family members dress in indigenous costume and greet guests wearing only loin cloths.
17. Encourage guests to engage in friendly musket fire with live ammo.
18. Serve too much alcohol.
19. Invite random strangers from Indian casino to dinner; convince spouse they’re long-lost relatives.
20. Initiate lively conversations about politics and religion.
21. Place “kid's table” in dining room, seat adults in unheated garage/basement.
22. Invite ex-fiance/ee to Thanksgiving dinner; introduce to your spouse immediately following Jell-O salad course.
23. Run out of alcohol.
24. Instead of everyone’s favorite pies, experiment with a new dessert tradition, e.g. frozen Cool Whip turkey sculpture.
25. Politely decline all offers to help clean up; at the spur of the moment, invite everyone to stay over and enjoy curried turkey omelets for brunch.
Happy Thanksgiving to all our Tiny Mind Gazette readers!
