2. Leave plastic bag of giblets inside bird cavity.
3. Strangle a wild turkey in the woods; pretend you got it at organic free-range farm.
4. Forget to de-feather said wild turkey; call it authentic Pilgrim culinary custom.
5. Build faux turkey out of Papier-mâché and chicken wire, fill with stiff oatmeal, call it “Vegan Delight.”
6. Substitute mystery roadkill for turkey; call it venison.
8. Buy live turkey, name it, introduce to guests, involve in children’s party games, cook and serve.
9. Attach 1-2 sets of extra drumsticks to Butterball turkey.
12. Do not wash dishes while cooking; stack in sink and on every inch of kitchen surface area.
13. Cook turkey until juices run pink.
14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.
16. Have male family members dress in indigenous costume and greet guests wearing only loin cloths.
18. Serve too much alcohol.
19. Invite random strangers from Indian casino to dinner; convince spouse they’re long-lost relatives.
21. Place “kid's table” in dining room, seat adults in unheated garage/basement.
24. Instead of everyone’s favorite pies, experiment with a new dessert tradition, e.g. frozen Cool Whip turkey sculpture.
25. Politely decline all offers to help clean up; at the spur of the moment, invite everyone to stay over and enjoy curried turkey omelets for brunch.
Happy Thanksgiving to all our Tiny Mind Gazette readers!