A 45-year-old mother of three has been sentenced to a two-hour detention session for failing to sign and complete her children’s school forms by the deadline. Although she had completed the emergency contacts and medical history forms for all three children, she failed to submit two of the five subject-specific “expectations” outlines for sixth grade classes by the required due date.
Parents attending detention are required to report at 7:25 a.m. equipped with two 1 ½ inch 3-ring binders, one 2-inch binder, loose leaf paper, three sets of dividers (one 8-tab and two 5-tab), one composition book, two spiral bound notebooks, a set of colored pencils, four highlighters, a school calendar, a personal calendar, a laptop or PDA, and a label maker. Coffee is NOT allowed on the premises.
After rounds of timed math-fact recitations, parents will be challenged to collate, file and color-code stray pieces of paper in alphabetical, numerical and chronological order. These exercises are designed to sharpen deteriorating middle-aged minds and build the parental skills necessary for student success. (As the Clutter Chick exclaimed in her 8:00 a.m. kick-off seminar, "Show me an alphabetized spice cabinet and I'll show you a family of straight A students!")
“This should serve as a wake-up call for parents who don’t quite understand the magnitude of the situation," explained a school spokesperson. "This community has a disproportionately high percentage of parents with both MBAs and OCD. Children of slackers are at a distinct disadvantage."
Speaking off the record, a nearby aide said, “Basically, parents need to get their sh*t together. And fast. No more sitting on the couch, drinking Chardonnay and watching CSI re-runs. Summer's over, people.
Reported by education, crime + style correspondent, Agent SS