10. German exchange student has been secretly living in Television
Series section of Wapatusset video store for past three weeks, studying accents
of Thurston Howell the Third. His disappearance was a simple miscommunication
due to confusing accent.
9. “Blue + Yellow” is the new “Green”.
8. Yoga purists remain adamant about the raising of Lycra in
non-cage-free environments and are organizing planned Spandex boycott. Ghandi
Brand® white, 100% organic cotton swaddling cloths become exercise outfit of
7. Disgruntled organic farmer seen guzzling a Diet Coke® and
munching on Cheez-It® Crackers, while driving Hummer® with faulty exhaust
6. Youth baseball coach admits: “If it weren’t for my dedication
to the sport, my uncoordinated, 10 year-old would be riding the pine for the
entire (30 games in 37 days) travel season just like every other uncoordinated
10 year-old on my team.”
5. Limes are garnish of choice for summer cocktail season.
Olive use increases during autumn and winter months, experts say.
4. Domestic violence and dangerous gunplay increases within
homes where home schooling is education option of choice.
3. The Deadliest Intersection: demented highway expert sees
limiting traffic lights as a way of “culling the herd”.
2. Scientist fears
that regular iPhone texting may cause human mutation of hands to bird-like
talons—and has iPhone photo to prove it. “Bird Boy” to travel to schools
throughout state to tell his harrowing tale.
1. Thanks to clever document reimaging, body waxing, and facial
hair electrolysis, 24 year-old, second baseman is able to successfully join 10
year-old team, forcing coach’s son to sit on the bench throughout entire
Jim Simpson, 42, was not trying to make it into the Guiness
Book of World Records. He just wanted to get a decent night’s sleep.
But what began as a half-hour “cat nap” in a hammock in the Poconos somehow
turned into a 282-hour power-sleep for the records.
His wife Pam had planned a full itinerary of “quality family
time” at a family-friendly resort, including mini-golf, boardwalk arcade games,
and visits to SplashCity
water park, a chocolate factory, and a local living-history museum.
“It’s hard to keep the kids entertained for 10 full weeks in
the summer,” Pam explained. “Along with swimming and sailing lessons, our three
kids each went to three different sports and arts & craft camp sessions. Now it’s August and they’re
bored out of their minds!”
Unable to wake Jim from his slumber, the family enjoyed the
activities on their own—except for one evening, when they propped Jim up in
their triple jogging stroller and wheeled him to dinner at the hotel
restaurant. When he failed to wake, Pam explained to the waiter that he hadn’t
had much time off lately.
A well-dressed man at a neighboring table added his two
cents: “Those lazy Europeans have five or six weeks’ paid vacation, plus
they’re all drunk from mid-December through New Year’s Day. No wonder America
is still Number One.”
Jim plans to take a week of unpaid vacation the last week of
August, so he can clean the gutters and stain the deck while his kids go
- reported by crime, travel + entertainment correspondentAgent SS
miners (file photos) Woman Arrested for Serving Miners.
A forty-five-year-old Wapatusset woman was recently arrested
for serving alcoholic beverages to underage miners while hosting a recent house
“These young men work in a dark and dusty coal mine all day,
which makes them incredibly thirsty. I asked to see some identification but
their licenses were so smudged with dirt and grime, I could barely make out
some of the characters,” said newly incarcerated mom, Brittany Spaniel-Dawes.
Her husband, S. Roland Dawes III, mentioned that Brittany’s
eyesight was not what it used to be, and that she refused to wear her reading
With the closest active coal mine located nearly 300 miles
from Wapatusset, local police investigators remain overwhelmingly perplexed.
Wapatusset Cocktail Parties With A New Twist.
Sure, you’ve been to a Wapatusset cocktail party. In most
instances, after a couple of hours of chit-chat, schmoozing, and regular
hydration, you walk away totally hammered. Local resident Meghan Labra-Doodle
has come up with a clever solution. Meghan also serves food at her parties.
“The idea first came to me while scrap-booking,” commented
Meghan. “I was looking through a box of my mother’s old photos and came to the
realization that party hosts of my mother’s generation served some sort of food
substances, in addition to heavily laced alcoholic drink concoctions.”
During a recent gathering, the Doodles experimented with
their new theory. “We could not believe the difference,” remarked Meghan’s
husband, Biff. “The next morning, there were fewer skid marks on our street,
the mailbox was still upright, and we had fewer comatose bodies passed out in
The Doodles are currently planning the Labor Day Block Party
for their neighborhood association. With their recent success, you can be sure
that their upcoming social gathering will include crackers and cheese.
Jogging Stroller Drag Race & Canadian Goose Shoot
Postponed by Wapatusset Merchants Association
Even though local retail sales numbers remain somewhat
stagnant and in need of a strategic marketing boost, the local Merchant’s
Association has decided to cancel two much-anticipated events.
R. Remington Winchester, association co-chair and owner of Sportsman’s
Paradise & Taxidermy Center(covering all your guns, beer and tobacco
needs), said that after a group vote, the organization would rather concentrate
their efforts on the upcoming “Running of the Turkeys.”
“The ‘ROT’ was a huge event last year and with some of the
new restrictions in place regarding trebuchet calibration, we are anticipating
less property damage and serious injuries,” stated Col. Winchester. “Besides,
the precision required to hurl a 20 lb. frozen turkey hundreds of yards requires
an extremely comprehensive understanding of both math and science. We see this
event as a wonderful partnering opportunity with our local public school
In the Next “Around the Pond”:
• What about public parking for Flying Cars? Recently
appointed fact finding sub-committee stares into the future
• New evidence suggests that Wapatusset ‘witch’ burned
at stake in 1694, may have been suffering from eating disorder
• Local firetrucks & rescue vehicles replace tire air with
helium, increasing tread-ware and reducing emergency response time
• Iodine: A Vodka & Tonic’s hidden secret Ingredient
• Scurvy prevention program introduced by local citrus growers
A summer book review by Wapatusset Youth Baseball
& Softball League (WYBSL) commissioner and head baseball coach, “Stitches”
O’Williams. Stitches recently spoke to Wapatusset’s graduating class of 2010
with his forty-minute keynote rant, “Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in
Now that the summer youth baseball season has drawn
to a close (37 games in 30 days), Annie Savoy-O’Williams and I park our lawn
chairs in centerfield and catch up on our summer reading. For this year’s
off-season analysis and breakdown, we have selected a triple-header of titles: a
classic, a classic rivalry, and a book addressing an alternative
Nan Flanders(file photo) The title drew me in like a suicide squeeze but left
me feeling three runs down in the bottom of the ninth. Despite the catchy
title, this supposed literary masterpiece was a no-hitter in my scorebook.
Expecting to read excerpts from classic plate-keepers like Johnny Bench, Roy Campanella
and Yogi Berra, I was left with the field of dreams rants of
outfielder-in-life, Holden Caulfield. Slide this knuckler to the bottom of the
order and search for a pinch-hitter. Three strikes and this dribbler is O-U-T,
This piece of nonfiction
discusses the most significant Indian victory prior to October 2, 1938 ,
when Cleveland Indian pitcher Bob Feller set a modern major league record of 18 strikeouts against the Detroit Tigers.
Feller, Chief Wahoo, 1972 Oakland A's, Rollie Fingers, George Armstrong Custer The story takes place several
spots in the batting order prior to the days of the white-shoed and mustachioed
1972 Oakland Athletics team. George Armstrong Custer—who knocked the sox off the
establishment with his personal alterations to the classic uniform and his
fondness towards facial hair of bush league proportions. There is plenty of hit-and-run
action in this book and Philbrick’s attention to detail really throws this one
around the (Little Big)horn. A grand slam of Ruthian
clout. Slide into your local bookstore and bring this one home!
As a lifelong proponent of crisp white uniforms and
hair that is trimmed around the ear, I picked up this title with slight
trepidation. However, I feel that it is often necessary to strike out and
explore the other lineup card. Also, my online trading card business remains on
the DL in this slumping economy. I’ll trade any marketing advice even if it
comes from one of San Francisco’s (musical) Giants.
Scott and Halligan (the
best one-two combination since Ortiz and Ramirez) have hit a round-tripper with
this literary diamond. The book is well-pitched and efficient and an easy
nine-inning read. Play ball!