As you might imagine, this was a very tough assignment for the disgruntled and grossly underpaid tiny editorial staff of TMG. Although our home-base of Wapatusset provides a rich cast of characters, we do pack up the Winnebago (TMGRV) and hit the road for our more far-reaching news assignments. Using advanced satellite technology (we purchased a former Soviet, 1970s model off eBay – and with a few spare Ford Pinto parts it works like a charm), we telexed this report in to the unsympathetic and overbearing publisher, who is holding down the fort at TMG headquarters. Stay tuned for his report on the most UNpatriotic people in America. (Or in Wapatusset. We're under a tight deadline.)
The Most Patriotic People
“Born in the U.S.A.” (Bruce Springsteen), “Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On” (Conway Twitty)
In preparation for July 4th, Mel spent the last four months painstakingly recreating the pinup image of Sarah Palin wearing an American flag bikini on the silo of his red barn. The svelte 2-D Sarah totes a 3-D rifle, constructed of recycled Marlboro cigarette cartons and scrap metal.
Mel drives a red Dodge Ram truck; drinks PBRs; wears denim on denim; eats only white bread and always wears white Fruit of the Loom briefs (bleached and boiled on the stovetop weekly by his Korean mother-in-law).
His mission is to beautify America, one block at a time. Call for a free calendar or quote on your desktop publishing or airbrush artistry needs.
“Live Free or Die, Dammit”
Deep-fried Slim Jims
Hotlips is living the American dream, working three different jobs: NASCAR usherette, New Hampshire Tax-Free liquor store checkout clerk, and seasonal fireworks demonstration artist. In her spare time she fights against motorcycle helmet laws in neighboring states, the “cafeteria police” in her grandchildren’s school district, and the Dixie Chicks.Mottoes:
“Get a Haircut” “Nuclear Power or Bust”
Favorite junk food:
Wispride port cheese spread on a Carr’s water biscuit; Brigham’s frozen pudding
William F. Buckley
Mr. Clogsworth, we tip our straw hats to you!